What to do with DH???

glitterycloud

I am trying really hard to MSE but my DH has other ideas. I am trying to pay off our debts (both mine and DH) with our joint wages but all DH keeps doing is spending. We recently got married and have some wedding money in an account for our future, we plan to emigrate back to his country. I am trying to make this happen as he wishes he was already there, he says he is only over here for me.
We both had debt when we met and we had agreed to pay this off and not take any more loans/cc/finance. I do all I can to keep to this and have joined Mystery Shopping, Pigsback, quidco ect to add to our wages.
I found out the other day that his clear cc now has over £350 on it! and I said ok lets pay it off with the savings (that I have contributed to most) and told him under no terms is he to use it again. (I tried to get it off him but he accused me of treating him like a child)
He isnt in a well paid job and i am the higher earner so i have bailed him out alot during the relationship due to his impatient nature.
Now his mother has called abroad and wants him to buy her something that is quite expensive from the wedding money she gave us (story goes that when she gave us the money I politely said that it was too much (it was a couple of hundred pounds) and she said well keep it for when they come visit)
now all I can see is the wedding money and my saving money going to waste and not going toward our goal of moving.
I feel like taking the money and paying off some debt so that the money isnt there available for his mum, I know, I know not very family like is it but it is going to be used anyway and this way it goes towards something postive.
DH wants to move so badly but does nothing to help, I try to keep things going forward when I dont want to move that much i'm only going because I love him and want us to be happy.
Sorry for going on and on but i needed to get this off my chest.
Do i sound selfish for not wanting to spend our wedding money on his mum or should I respect the fact she said to leave it for her? Why did she give us money in the first place if we cant use it on ourselves??
Thanks for listening.

Grace_

Must be difficult for you trying to save on one hand, and having your OH unravel all your hard work through his own expenses.
I think you should sit your husband down and have a good chat. Gather all relevant documents, and tell him just how much his spending is hitting your pockets.
With regards to the money that your mother in law gave you, surely she gave it as a wedding gift? Once you have given something as a gift you cannot expect it back. Unless it was loaned to you...I personally would use it to pay off some debts, and mention that times were hard and that money came in useful..."Thank you mother in law for your help" etc.
Your not being selfish.

glitterycloud

The money wasnt loaned to us, basically we went abroad back to DH country for our wedding, as we were in the uk trying to organise the wedding his mother became a bit too involved and ended up booking and paying for a big wedding that was not what me and DH wanted, not to upset anyone we went along with it and paid half of what it cost his mother. So when she gave us a wedding gift of money it was a bit overwhelming so to come across as gratefull I said it was too much - well it backfired as she said to keep it for when they visited.
I have talked to DH on many occasions about his spending and to be fair he has stopped alot of his spending, i just wish he would think about what he wants a bit more and join me on our joint venture of moving. If im honest he is a good man with his money and im a bit (well alot!!) of a worrier where money is concerned.
I think I will use the money for paying off debts and thank MIL for helping us.

Savvy_Sue

Of course, there's the brutally honest option of telling him that IF he wants to move back sooner rather than later, THEN he needs to do X, Y and Z, and that as you don't mind whether you move sooner or later, him delaying it by spending rather than clearing debt is just fine by you ...

Although DH and I keep joint accounts, in your position I would make sure I had some in a personal account. I would concentrate on clearing your debts, and discuss with your DH how the pair of you are going to clear his. Decide how much he can afford to pay towards debt each month, and how much you will pay, and then leave him to get on with it.

Obvious question, does he resent you earning more than he does? In his culture, is that 'acceptable'?

lynzpower

good questions from Sue as usual.

I would be sitting down too, and ask him what motivates him to sabotage the plans that you are working for and saving up for. A "reasonable" person might ask whether he really wants to move overseas or not, after all if he cant keep his spending under control all your hard graft is being unravelled.

As an aside, me & OH also had debts. I paid mine off by being just a skinflint basically. As he is not able to get himself ship shape to budget properly, when Ive bought things ( say for the house) I ALWAYS split it halfers and he owes me. I know not a lot of people agree with this, and im sure to get slammed as I usually do for this, but hes an adult and I wont have him freeload off me and vice versa plus he wouldnt want to anyway. So if I buy a kettle for 20, he can owe me 10. We have a spread sheet running. once hes paid off his interest bearing debt, he will start paying me back.

it is WHOLLY about taking financial responsibility for his *and my* actions. and if I bankrolled him, he wouldnt have a clue how much life actually costs.

Gale_10

Quote from Lynzpower: "As an aside, me & OH also had debts. I paid mine off by being just a skinflint basically. As he is not able to get himself ship shape to budget properly, when Ive bought things ( say for the house) I ALWAYS split it halfers and he owes me. I know not a lot of people agree with this, and im sure to get slammed as I usually do for this, but hes an adult and I wont have him freeload off me and vice versa plus he wouldnt want to anyway. So if I buy a kettle for 20, he can owe me 10. We have a spread sheet running. once hes paid off his interest bearing debt, he will start paying me back. "

I actually totally agree with this. You are only preventing yourself getting ripped off, and after reading what men do on this website, I think it is a totally wise idea. My husband is bad with money, he works and I am a SAHM, and I deal with all the finances. Like you say if you didn't do this and let him think money grows on trees, he wouldn't even realise about money in the real world. Isn't it a shame that some parents haven't actually taught their kids the meaning of money?

To the OP: I would definitely sit down and explain it all to him. I would then pay every penny you could off the debts, not worry about saving to move out of this country. Make sure you pay your debts off first. If he doesn't like this, then I would say to him that he is responsible for his debts and you are responsible for yours. I would also tell him that you are going to save up half of the moving costs and he is liable for his half. If he is so desperate to move then he will pull his finger out and put forth the effort needed.

I do have to say I am worried about you moving to another country for this man. It seems he is moving you away from any support or normality that you have known just for him. I hate to worry you but this is also a tactic of a controlling man - to take you away from all support so that he has total control over you. It is also something that precedes violence in a great many cases. Just be very careful, keep some savings hidden from him, and hope for the best. I am not saying he will definitely turn out that way - far be it - but I am seeing a pattern emerging here.


That said, I wish you all the best.

Gale

poppycracker

Lynz, I wish I had the guts to do what you do with my OH.

Gale, that's a good point about the isolation. My friend's last boyfriend did something very similar to her. Luckily he was too scared of me (!) to keep her away from us too or she would have been totally isolated, and we helped her get away.

OP, you are quite right to be annoyed, it is really hard when one person in a relationship expects the other to support them but do what THEY want to do. I agree with Gale, get rid of YOUR debts with YOUR money, and make it clear to him that if HE wants to move, HE needs to get his finger out and help make it happen.

lynzpower

poppycracker wrote: »

Lynz, I wish I had the guts to do what you do with my OH.

Gale, that's a good point about the isolation. My friend's last boyfriend did something very similar to her. Luckily he was too scared of me (!) to keep her away from us too or she would have been totally isolated, and we helped her get away.

OP, you are quite right to be annoyed, it is really hard when one person in a relationship expects the other to support them but do what THEY want to do. I agree with Gale, get rid of YOUR debts with YOUR money, and make it clear to him that if HE wants to move, HE needs to get his finger out and help make it happen.

Oh hun its not about guts, ( although I do have plenty of those!) its more about equality. I am modern through and through and honestly believe that if im not treated as an equal he cant love me.

I completley agree with the bottom part of the post tho, you sort yourself out.

If he doesnt give a damn that hes dragging YOU down financially, then take gales advice and stash a bit away. In any case its always nice to have a little pot somewhere that OHs cant get thier mitts on especially if they have a pechant for buying rubbish!

I have to say- my OH is bloody marvellous- he doesnt waste money and we are working towards the same goal. We want to be married and he will not plan the wedding till hes out of debt, and that includes the money he owes me.

Does he find the debt overwhelming? My OH does tbh. but its only when we sit down once a month, look what moneys where, what extra incomes we have coming in, and that extra is going off the debt, that he can see its not so bad when both of you are side by side. I dont give him my salary to pay off dbt with, buty extras like quidco ( most of which is house stuff anywy) all go direct to paying his debt off we are a team, but not dependant.

Does that make sense!!

loveandlight

Posted by Gale_10
I do have to say I am worried about you moving to another country for this man. It seems he is moving you away from any support or normality that you have known just for him. I hate to worry you but this is also a tactic of a controlling man - to take you away from all support so that he has total control over you. It is also something that precedes violence in a great many cases. Just be very careful, keep some savings hidden from him, and hope for the best.

Not all men who want to move abroad do it because they want to control their wives. There are a lot of good men around who want to emigrate simply because they feel strongly that both parties can have a much better, happier life generally, abroad.

I think we need to be careful that we don't start looking for problems for the OP that may not actually be there.

The OP did also say quote:

I have talked to DH on many occasions about his spending and to be fair he has stopped alot of his spending, i just wish he would think about what he wants a bit more and join me on our joint venture of moving. If im honest he is a good man with his money and im a bit (well alot!!) of a worrier where money is concerned.

I have known a lot of men who have dreamt of moving abroad but it has been the woman behind them that has made it happen!

buxtonrabbitgreen

If you use the money on your debts maybe your OH will use his credit card to buy his mum what she wants. You don't want him to do this either.

glitterycloud

Thanks for all your replies, i sat down with DH this afternoon and we talked things through, he didnt like the fact that I earn more money than him and control the finances more but at the moment thats the way it has to be. I told him that i needed his support to pay off our debts and after alot of talking he said that he does need me to be in control of the finances as its the only way we will get to move away, and that he will support me more and that together as a team we will pay off debts and get away.
My husband is not a controlling man he is simply sad at being away from his family and friends, which I understand. It hurts me so much that he is sad and down because he doesnt see his family more than once a year, thats why i put so much effort in to get us over there so he can be happy, WE can be happy.