Zoom funeral - family estrangement

RetSol

I lost an aunt-by-marriage recently and her funeral is next Tuesday, 30th March.  My cousin, her son, texted me this morning to say that he is going to send me a Zoom link for the funeral.  I do not know the precise arrangements for the funeral and was, for some reason, a little surprised that it is being held on Zoom.  I may telephone my cousin this weekend to find out more about the arrangements.  The reason for my hesitancy about contacting my cousin is that I have had no direct contact with him for decades.  The last time I saw him was at his father's (my uncle's) funeral in 2009.  However, he kindly informed me when his mother was nearing the end of her life and his wife phoned me to tell me that my aunt had died.  A further complication is that I have had no contact with the rest of my family (including my mother) for seven years.  Had the funeral been taking place under "normal" circumstances, I am not sure that I would have attended as it would have been likely that my mother and other family members would have been there.  When my cousin's wife phoned me following my aunt's death, I explained to her that I was unlikely to attend the funeral as I was inclined to think that my aunt's funeral was not the right time or place to re-engage with my family.  I asked her however to let me know about the funeral arrangements.  Now that I know that the funeral is on Zoom, I feel that I will probably "attend" but I would like to know in advance what I might be able to expect the arrangements to be.  I wonder if anyone on the Forum could give me a general idea of what to expect on the day.  My aunt is likely to be cremated.  Having already read some threads on here, I appreciate that the arrangements vary greatly and it may be difficult to give advice in advance. 

Marcon

RetSol said:

I lost an aunt-by-marriage recently and her funeral is next Tuesday, 30th March.  My cousin, her son, texted me this morning to say that he is going to send me a Zoom link for the funeral.  I do not know the precise arrangements for the funeral and was, for some reason, a little surprised that it is being held on Zoom.  I may telephone my cousin this weekend to find out more about the arrangements.  The reason for my hesitancy about contacting my cousin is that I have had no direct contact with him for decades.  The last time I saw him was at his father's (my uncle's) funeral in 2009.  However, he kindly informed me when his mother was nearing the end of her life and his wife phoned me to tell me that my aunt had died.  A further complication is that I have had no contact with the rest of my family (including my mother) for seven years.  Had the funeral been taking place under "normal" circumstances, I am not sure that I would have attended as it would have been likely that my mother and other family members would have been there.  When my cousin's wife phoned me following my aunt's death, I explained to her that I was unlikely to attend the funeral as I was inclined to think that my aunt's funeral was not the right time or place to re-engage with my family.  I asked her however to let me know about the funeral arrangements.  Now that I know that the funeral is on Zoom, I feel that I will probably "attend" but I would like to know in advance what I might be able to expect the arrangements to be.  I wonder if anyone on the Forum could give me a general idea of what to expect on the day.  My aunt is likely to be cremated.  Having already read some threads on here, I appreciate that the arrangements vary greatly and it may be difficult to give advice in advance. 

Given that only 30 individuals can attend a funeral, it seems to have become quite common for further people to be invited to view the ceremony via Zoom - and that's what seems to be happening here. It is likely to be a 'watch' only type of Zoom call (as opposed to an interactive one, but you always have the option to switch off your own camera and audio if you prefer).

JGB1955

When my father died in June there were only 10 people allowed at the cremation.  The service was broadcast on a link (not Zoom) which went live just a few minutes before the service.  This was set up by the crematorium and access was via an access code provided by the funeral director and crematorium.  I know a couple of my cousins watched, as did my brother who was (and still is) stuck in lockdown in Singapore.  Friends in Australia were able to watch on 'catch-up' a few days later.  There was no interaction between the funeral party and those watching (although we DID give a little wave to my brother as we left...).  I have no idea who else may have watched.

Surfbabe

My mums cousin died last year and her funeral was broadcast from the crematorium so we could see an hear everything but no-one can see you. It was a very lovely way to feel part of the celebration and remembrance of her life as we were unable to be there because of Covid retricitions. 

Malthusian

Check with the cousin but it is likely to be "watch only" as Marcon says, so no chance that there would be any kind of confrontation.

You could probably even sign in under a pseudonym so that nobody apart from your cousin knows you attended. (I'm thinking something like "User 123" rather than "bunnylover89".)

RetSol

Given that only 30 individuals can attend a funeral, it seems to have become quite common for further people to be invited to view the ceremony via Zoom - and that's what seems to be happening here. 

I think that is probably right, @Marcon. 

Check with the cousin but it is likely to be "watch only" as Marcon says, so no chance that there would be any kind of confrontation.

You could probably even sign in under a pseudonym so that nobody apart from your cousin knows you attended. (I'm thinking something like "User 123" rather than "bunnylover89".)

Good thinking, @Malthusian. 

It was a very lovely way to feel part of the celebration and remembrance of her life as we were unable to be there because of Covid retricitions. 

Thank you, @Surfbabe .    Despite the difficulties with my family of origin, I feel that there is something about my aunt's death which I need to honour. 

poppystar

If it is with Obitus rather than Zoom as many are (am thinking here your relatives might be using Zoom as a generic term - Hoover rather than vacuum type of thing) then they will give you a link, a user name and a password. These are not unique to you but to the particular funeral. You should also be able to watch it at some point during the next 28 days if the family have approved a recording. You will see a view from the top back of the room so a clear view of coffin and celebrant but the back of everyone else’s heads. They have no idea you are watching and won’t know if you do or don’t. Hope that helps.

RetSol

If it is with Obitus rather than Zoom as many are (am thinking here your relatives might be using Zoom as a generic term - Hoover rather than vacuum type of thing) then they will give you a link, a user name and a password. These are not unique to you but to the particular funeral. You should also be able to watch it at some point during the next 28 days if the family have approved a recording. You will see a view from the top back of the room so a clear view of coffin and celebrant but the back of everyone else’s heads. They have no idea you are watching and won’t know if you do or don’t. Hope that helps.

Having thought about it further, this is the sort of arrangement which I anticipate that my cousin is making so thank you, @poppystar. 

gettingtheresometime

OP
I was in your position recently and whilst I was asked if I wanted to attend in person, I felt it more appropriate not to.

The process is just as poppystar described though I found out later that the recording was only available for 7 days so that might be worth checking.

In my case I chose to record it using an app so I could choose to watch it when I felt ready to.

RetSol

The process is just as poppystar described though I found out later that the recording was only available for 7 days so that might be worth checking.

Thank you, @gettingtheresometime, for your very supportive response.  

RetSol

My aunt's funeral took place yesterday and I "attended" via Zoom.  It was a church funeral (followed by a cremation ceremony which was not on Zoom) and the Zoom call was a DIY effort by the vicar and his wife.  The vicar knew my aunt as she attended the church and the funeral was attended in person by a number of family members and by others from the locality.  There were also a few of us on Zoom.  The funerals of my grandmother and my uncle also took place at this church and  I am very glad that I attended yesterday as it helps to close my association with the locality and a chapter of my life.  Thank you for the responses to my post.  They helped me to crystallise and overcome my concerns about attending.