Care homes for retired Army Officers or their spouses? 13 February at 5:12PM edited 13 February at 5:13PM in UK Armed Forces MoneySaving 13 replies 409 views

elljay

Afternoon all.  Mother is in a care home where she is desperately, desperately unhappy and says she has nothing in common with the people there - even those who were once in the Army don't share her experiences and she feels very isolated with nobody to talk to about her past life/ her husband - she says they think she's a snob (possibly true but hey ho -  she's a product of her life!).  I've done a bit of searching to no avail but just wondered if anyone has heard of a care home that might suit her better - obviously doesn't have to be Army but any of the 3 forces where she can talk about life on camps in Germany, quarters, etc.  Since retiring she and my father have always lived around other retired officers - very few civilians - and now he's gone, as have most of the others, she's feeling very alone.

Any ideas so very gratefully received - thank you.  

Liz

molerat

Not sure if all are relevant but a starting point

https://www.britishlegion.org.uk/get-support/care-and-independent-living/our-care-homes

https://www.ssafa.org.uk/get-help/welfare-and-benefits/residential-housing

https://www.rafbf.org/files/pdf-rafbf-factsheet-c---care-homes-with-links-to-the-services-or-the-raf-benevolent-fund.pdf

https://starandgarter.org/

elljay

Thank you so much molerat for your help, I will follow these up.  Staff at the care home have helpfully sat her at a table with another Service widow but Mother says this lady says she feels uncomfortable sitting with the Brigadier's wife.  Ho hum.  This is hard!!

Thanks again.

unforeseen

I'm not surprised. From my experience of the forces, officers wives, especially senior officers, expect to be treated as though they carry the rank.
The number of times I have heard "do you know who my husband is.?"

Indigo_and_Violet

I have zero relevant experience (apart from dealing with parents who have quite fixed ideas about correct stations and proper social conduct), but reading through the post one thought popped into my mind, which you might have already considered. 

Your mother is an unusual service widow in that she was the Brigadier's wife. It also sounds like she's is not willing to let that slip, fair enough. As I understand it, even at an all-officers facility, she would be relatively 'high-ranking' and thus might experience what she has found at her current home - either she or her companions being uncomfortable mixing with across ranks. It definitely seems worth looking into services facilities to see if you can find one with a good group of 'socially suitable' companions. However, would it also be worth looking at a civilian but posh facility? Clearly it depends on funds, but it might be the case that she is more comfortable with a non-military group of wives of diplomats, captains of industry etc who would recognise her elevated social position and be willing to be regaled with tales of her exciting life with the forces? Finding a place might be tricky, since care home populations are necessarily changing and having just one good friend makes a world of difference, but it might be worth looking into if none of the forces options work out. Good luck!

MACKEM99

unforeseen said:

I'm not surprised. From my experience of the forces, officers wives, especially senior officers, expect to be treated as though they carry the rank.
The number of times I have heard "do you know who my husband is.?"

The answer is:
"If you don't know how should I".

unforeseen

MACKEM99 said:

unforeseen said:

I'm not surprised. From my experience of the forces, officers wives, especially senior officers, expect to be treated as though they carry the rank.
The number of times I have heard "do you know who my husband is.?"

The answer is:
"If you don't know how should I".

I liked my wife's answer when a Wg Cdr's wife tried it on her. It was
"you're a serviceman's wife just like me. Nothing special. " 

Silvertabby

unforeseen said:

MACKEM99 said:

unforeseen said:

I'm not surprised. From my experience of the forces, officers wives, especially senior officers, expect to be treated as though they carry the rank.
The number of times I have heard "do you know who my husband is.?"

The answer is:
"If you don't know how should I".

I liked my wife's answer when a Wg Cdr's wife tried it on her. It was
"you're a serviceman's wife just like me. Nothing special. " 

That's one of the differences between the Army and the RAF.  

The brigadier's wife will have automatically  assumed the role of 'chief wife' and the junior officers will have told their wives to follow 'her rules'.

We in the RAF, however - and I'm speaking as both a former SNCO and Service wife - took much less notice of rank when off duty.  Even if/when the Station Commander's wife tried it on.

unforeseen

The worst I came across was my Chief Tech's wife. She wouldn't talk to myself or the wife because I was only a Cpl. I got my third and suddenly it all changed. 

Silvertabby

unforeseen said:

The worst I came across was my Chief Tech's wife. She wouldn't talk to myself or the wife because I was only a Cpl. I got my third and suddenly it all changed. 

I have to say that's unusual.  Chf Tech's wives (of which I was one) normally have more common sense! 

Mind you, the fact that I was a wife with 3 chevrons in her own right did cause a bit of muttering among some of the other wives, seemingly because they had added up our total salaries, but most didn't bother at all.  

Getting_greyer

The officer's wives are pudding and pie...