Feel sick, need some help

Jami74

iwannabefree said:

The wife’s smoking is a scary £330 per month. She is starting patches provided for free by the NHS as of Jan 1st.

The smoking cessation offered by the NHS is great. Giving up smoking isn't that hard, however, weaning off nicotine is extremely difficult and can take a long time. Many people try to do it too fast which leads to them smoking again. If she drops down before she's ready then the withdrawal will be horrible (for all of you) and she'll end up smoking again. Even if she has to supplement nicotine replacement herself (patches, gum, lozenges etc) then it'll be worth it in the end even if it takes a year. Please, let her know that it might not be a quick process and to not be disappointed if it takes longer than the few weeks the NHS provide patches for.

Will check what we owe in the water so there may be a saving there too. .

Read your meter regularly and submit readings. We worked hard to reduce our water usage but when I phoned the water company and asked for the direct debit to be reduced because we were using less, they thought I meant I was having difficulty paying it and kept offering me a payment plan. I cancelled the direct debit and set up a standing order instead, now I submit regular readings and can adjust the standing order as appropriate to avoid over or under paying.

Andyjflet

I would just like to say that in some ways my level of debt was similar. I discovered Dave Ramsey and followed the baby steps and now on the last leg to being consumer debt free.
You can look him up on Podcasts and his you tube channel, you can do this. 

iwannabefree

Well, we have literally just finished checking out direct debits etc. Our OD charges are circa £35 per month which isn’t as bad as I was expecting, still could do without though. Made a couple of small reductions in things like Sky, baby steps as people have been saying.

However, checking our bank statements has thrown up a big issue which I didn’t know about. A certain spend on Apple which my wife was using several times a day at times 😞 She got really upset and apologised for not telling me but this has explained a lot. It stems from her depression which she is on medication for and being scared to tell me about the spending. We have cancelled her card and hopefully this will be the end of this problem which she agrees was stupid, it’s done now though.

on a brighter note, we have gone through our SOA again, increased the allowance a few things and things look a little better. Funny how a lightbulb moment and a taking stock of things makes things a little better. I decided to tell our daughters (23 + 21) we were having issues and to not take it personally if we end up having arguments or shouting bouts. Our eldest has said she is upping her monthly contribution by £100 as she is about to finish paying her car loan off, very kind indeed. Our youngest is a poorly paid TA and also studying for her teaching degree so can only afford a nominal amount. All helps though.
So, having talked with my wife, through tears and hugs, we have come up with a plan to start paying back a bit more and to finally take a firm grip of our finances. 

This has been a big wake up call for both of us. My wife for spending un-necessarily and me for not taking more of a hands on approach to our finances. We are keeping a weekly spending diary, and my wife a daily no smoking and well-being diary. Hopefully we can turn this around soon.

thanks for all the replies so far, very helpful and encouraging.

Naomim

It's true that once you look, you feel much more in control and things do look brighter. 

I'm so pleased you and your wife are in this together and hopefully will help your wife's MH to know you are supporting each other. Also having the kids on board. Mine are younger but I still explained we were clearing debts and I was working to a budget. 

Baby steps are the way to go. It takes years to get into debt and there is no quick fix.

Good luck

Naomim 

Aspiration

Although not easy it feels like it’s really helped getting to the truth of the issues.

You must be proud of your daughters and it’s great you’ve shared it with them. 

I think having debt can feel like a taboo subject and no doubt you’ll be able to achieve more with the family behind it. 

Aspiration 

Smashingitnow

This sounds really positive. Things should look and feel v different this time next year.

Agentmomo

Hi, I just wanted to post some support for you and a little advice...
Firstly very well done for your post, doing so must bring some slight relief? Your eyes are open and you are willing to tackle your debts.
Everyone on this forum in my experience, either has debts, has been in debt or is willing to help with advice.
I have been in significant debt and still have some debts and as other posters have mentioned, getting to grips with why you are in debt is the real light bulb moment. For me it was many "sod it" moments. Particularly around holidays... Sod it, lets get a holiday booked (on the CC), let's use another CC for our spends whilst there, Before you know it you have several CC's and a couple of loans that run into the 10's of thousands.... I'm not perfect, have done well sometimes then slipped back into debt. However (several years later), I have around 6k debt outstanding on CC's (all at 0%), no loans.
Here is my advice:
1) In the very 1st instance, get your credit cards all set up on a monthly DD if you haven't already. Make your DD's to these just above the minimum payment e.g. if the minimum on one is £45 set the DD to £50. Then just before you get paid, what ever surplus you have left in your account, throw this at your debts. Yes it's boring, but ultimately gratifying in the long term
2) Do a snowball calculator, Lemon fool is the one I have used (Google it), a great tool as it will tell you which of your debts to prioritise (Make sure you are very honest on your SOA)
3) An emergency fund is crucial I think, this will give you some peace of mind should the worst happen, one of you loses your jobs as an example. (Be sure to include this on your SOA). Don't put ridiculous amounts of money in this, just a small amount every month and this will really start to add up.
I wish you all the best on your debt free journey. Good luck!

iwannabefree

Thank you all for your kind comments. Really helpful. New year, new start. Slept quite well last night so things are looking a little brighter.

Babybelles

Well done on facing up to your debts & posting on here. You’ve made that first massive step so things can only get better right? I keep thinking my debt now will be the highest & every month those numbers will keep going down. It will be a long hard slog but so worth it in the end.
I’ve had debt previously & fell into the trap of using CCs without a care in the world, building up debt, paying it off & starting again. It’s a vicious cycle so I’d just say try to get to the bottom of why the debt occurred & what you can change to never fall into this cycle again.
Debt is awful, it can be shameful & all consuming but you can get out of this. You & your partner are tackling this together along with the support of your lovely girls.
You’ve got this.