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How to not offend interfering parent(s)?
foreversomeday
Posts: 1,011 Forumite
Hi everyone. Bit of a moral dilemma here. Hope someone can help!
My wonderful bf proposed to me "unofficially" (I insist on calling it that as no engagement ring to be seen yet) and we have told his parents and my mum so far. My mum is really happy & excited for us (I love my mum!) but his parents immediately sat us down and had a loooong chat about it. The chat ranged from "You can have your brother as the best man!" to "You ought to go on that programme on ITV2 where they do your wedding for under £1000!" to "The bride's parents usually pay, don't they?"
My thoughts on this are:
What if OH doesn't want his brother as the best man? They aren't overly close and to be honest I think he'd prefer one of his mates - but will he just pick his brother to avoid causing offence? (The brother in question overheard btw and joked that he was busy on that day, although in reality I don't think he'd turn the offer down)
There is no way in hell I am going to get married on TV, thank you! I'm sure I can plan a moneysaving wedding on my own. (This may have been a joke, I'm not sure. She sounded worryingly serious.)
This is the one that's stressing me out the most. My parents are divorced and my mum who brought me up was on benefits since I was about 7. I don't know much about my dad's finances, but I don't think he has loads to spare either. I don't know whether it was the way I was brought up or not, but I've always been overly conscious of money and I never would have dreamed of just expecting someone else to pay for my wedding. However, OH's parents are the kind who gave us loads of lovely stuff for our flat and probably would help out financially. I get the feeling from other discussions the (extended) family very much rely on each other to help out with money if times are tough, and the family as a whole are fairly well off - OH has quite a bit tucked away in savings, signed into a high-interest account not to be touched until 2009.
His mother's a bit of a control freak - as you might have guessed from first paragraph. Worryingly enough, so am I - for example, when cooking dinner with my OH sometimes I'll stop him and do something myself, because I prefer it done that way. She's also a traditionalist, and basically my greatest fear is that she'll offer us quite a bit of money for the wedding and then step in and organise it all herself - and I don't want a boring traditional wedding! I want my wedding! To be honest I'm happy that we save up and finance it ourselves but I don't want to offend her and also OH seems to want to accept her money. On the subject of her planning it, I voiced my concerns to him and he just said, "Oh, I'm not getting involved. You, your mum and my mum can sit down and organise it all." which I kind of expected, but I know he's not going to stand up to her and I don't have the confidence to myself. It doesn't help that although I could talk the ears off a donkey, I lack confidence in asserting myself to someone I see as higher in authority to me, probably because I'm only 19, but I have always had respect for authority - I hate being told off and was always "good" at school, etc. I'm also unsure about crossing what I see as almost a class divide - my mum's always taught me and my sister to speak properly, have good manners etc (God I sound like such a snob now!) and she considers us "middle class" but when I was at school I would have found middle class to be "posh snobs who have no idea what it's like to be poor" As I've got a bit older and more mature I know that isn't the case and in fact I know OH's family aren't like that but I'm still paranoid about offending them or them thinking I'm not good enough. They do a lot of things in their family we'd never dream of - like throwing away a shirt that's only a week old because it had a tiny hole in it, and OH's younger sister goes to Stagecoach dance classes, learns the piano, OH did a lot of sport when he was younger - none of which we would have been able to afford. She (Future MIL :eek:) had a go at me the other day because I mentioned we weren't having turkey for Christmas dinner because I've never cooked a turkey before and I'm not over confident with roasting chicken, and the first time I met her, when OH was still living there, she told me off for not taking my shoes off when I came in.
Oh dear, I've rambled loads now, but at least I've got some things off my chest, and I hope someone can help. Really I want to know how I can refuse gently her offer of "help" (which is inevitable) without offending her, and any suggestions on anything else mentioned, before I get too stressed out because me + stress = not eating and I'm too tiny to lose any more weight
Oh and we want to do it in the UK so no question of jumping on a plane and doing it abroad.
My wonderful bf proposed to me "unofficially" (I insist on calling it that as no engagement ring to be seen yet) and we have told his parents and my mum so far. My mum is really happy & excited for us (I love my mum!) but his parents immediately sat us down and had a loooong chat about it. The chat ranged from "You can have your brother as the best man!" to "You ought to go on that programme on ITV2 where they do your wedding for under £1000!" to "The bride's parents usually pay, don't they?"
My thoughts on this are:
What if OH doesn't want his brother as the best man? They aren't overly close and to be honest I think he'd prefer one of his mates - but will he just pick his brother to avoid causing offence? (The brother in question overheard btw and joked that he was busy on that day, although in reality I don't think he'd turn the offer down)
There is no way in hell I am going to get married on TV, thank you! I'm sure I can plan a moneysaving wedding on my own. (This may have been a joke, I'm not sure. She sounded worryingly serious.)
This is the one that's stressing me out the most. My parents are divorced and my mum who brought me up was on benefits since I was about 7. I don't know much about my dad's finances, but I don't think he has loads to spare either. I don't know whether it was the way I was brought up or not, but I've always been overly conscious of money and I never would have dreamed of just expecting someone else to pay for my wedding. However, OH's parents are the kind who gave us loads of lovely stuff for our flat and probably would help out financially. I get the feeling from other discussions the (extended) family very much rely on each other to help out with money if times are tough, and the family as a whole are fairly well off - OH has quite a bit tucked away in savings, signed into a high-interest account not to be touched until 2009.
His mother's a bit of a control freak - as you might have guessed from first paragraph. Worryingly enough, so am I - for example, when cooking dinner with my OH sometimes I'll stop him and do something myself, because I prefer it done that way. She's also a traditionalist, and basically my greatest fear is that she'll offer us quite a bit of money for the wedding and then step in and organise it all herself - and I don't want a boring traditional wedding! I want my wedding! To be honest I'm happy that we save up and finance it ourselves but I don't want to offend her and also OH seems to want to accept her money. On the subject of her planning it, I voiced my concerns to him and he just said, "Oh, I'm not getting involved. You, your mum and my mum can sit down and organise it all." which I kind of expected, but I know he's not going to stand up to her and I don't have the confidence to myself. It doesn't help that although I could talk the ears off a donkey, I lack confidence in asserting myself to someone I see as higher in authority to me, probably because I'm only 19, but I have always had respect for authority - I hate being told off and was always "good" at school, etc. I'm also unsure about crossing what I see as almost a class divide - my mum's always taught me and my sister to speak properly, have good manners etc (God I sound like such a snob now!) and she considers us "middle class" but when I was at school I would have found middle class to be "posh snobs who have no idea what it's like to be poor" As I've got a bit older and more mature I know that isn't the case and in fact I know OH's family aren't like that but I'm still paranoid about offending them or them thinking I'm not good enough. They do a lot of things in their family we'd never dream of - like throwing away a shirt that's only a week old because it had a tiny hole in it, and OH's younger sister goes to Stagecoach dance classes, learns the piano, OH did a lot of sport when he was younger - none of which we would have been able to afford. She (Future MIL :eek:) had a go at me the other day because I mentioned we weren't having turkey for Christmas dinner because I've never cooked a turkey before and I'm not over confident with roasting chicken, and the first time I met her, when OH was still living there, she told me off for not taking my shoes off when I came in.
Oh dear, I've rambled loads now, but at least I've got some things off my chest, and I hope someone can help. Really I want to know how I can refuse gently her offer of "help" (which is inevitable) without offending her, and any suggestions on anything else mentioned, before I get too stressed out because me + stress = not eating and I'm too tiny to lose any more weight
Oh and we want to do it in the UK so no question of jumping on a plane and doing it abroad.
I don't believe and I never did that two wrongs make a right
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Comments
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Darn it, eloping is out of the question then! I cant offer any pearls of wisdom on an interferring fmil, mine tried to take over completely, right down to how many bridesmaids, colour scheme, the actual date and the stag night:eek:, we had to book the date around her but that was it.
But if its your wedding and she does not contribute anything, then she has no say. Its your wedding, your day, nobody elses(except your fiancee of course). If she does contribute, then you must still have the final say, its not up to her to choose the flowers, dress, menu, etc, etc, and if she tries, i would gently remind her she has already had her day, you appreciate her advice but you and fiancee make the final decisions. Im sure my mil was convinced it was her wedding and not actually me and dh getting married:mad:0 -
As you have left home and are living together, nowadays it's quite common for you to pay for your own wedding.
By adopting this approach, you could then invite help from your mother and from his (soundingly financially better off) family without it becoming a war of who spent what.
Re future MIL, I daren't give advice. A friend of mine had a controlling future mother in law and the last update I had her mil was in a wheelchair (for life) having suffered a series of strokes over trying to control the wedding and throwing strops as my friend was trying to not let her.... and there is a doctor's note floating about to say that my friend needs to organise the wedding and the mil to stay out of it or she will die.0 -
When does he expect you to get married? Is it going to be a long engagement? If you've got a couple of years to organise everything then you'll probably get the opportunity to plan what you would like (and time to save up).
MIL's are always a little bossy! Its still your day though, even if they offer to pay for it, but sometimes its easier to give in on the small things if you can then have your choices on the more important parts of the day.
Good luck!“I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.”
Kurt Vonnegut0 -
start the way you mean to go on , tell her about the way wedding plans are progressing after you have made the choices. DH and I paid for both our DDs weddings , that was because we had saved for donkeys years , most importantly we wanted to.
Both dds were given set amount of money and left to it , both told if they wanted any extra they would have to fund it themselves. If someone gives you money towards wedding, that does not mean they are buying the right to what should be the couples choices , if you are given money it should be unconditional or not be taken. My late in laws were a wonderfull couple who never interfered, they were there if we ever needed to ask advice.:hello:What goes around - comes around
give lots and you will always recieve lots0 -
If you accept future MIL's cash, then she will want a say in the wedding plans - most likely guests she wants to invite (who you've probably never met!) Or you could be really specific... if MIL offers (for example) £1000, you could say that you're setting it aside to pay for the cake and the welcome drinks, then she can only interfere in those particular areas! From what you've written about her, you need to think carefully if you can accept the money offered. If you do take the money, then you may feel obligated to her and she may well take advantage if you feel unable to stand up for yourself.
However, if you don't take the money, how long will it take to save up yourself? Me and OH are saving up for our wedding, we've now been engaged almost 3 years and have only saved a quarter of what we want... I'm not waiting another 9 years to get married! We are now both working full time, so hopefully will be able to boost the wedding fund next year.0 -
We haven't even really started looking around yet to get an idea of the budget. I'd like it to be a longish engagement to give my teenage acne a chance to calm down first! I think it'll be sometime in 2009.I don't believe and I never did that two wrongs make a right0
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First of all CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Secondly ELOPE!!!
I am in the same boat as you,our wedding is to be Nov 2009.MIL in particular just will not but out.So much so that I am seriously thinking about cancelling the whole thing.WE will probably just elope and have people we don,t even know as witnesses.
We have sat down and chatted about it ,so do try to talk thinks over first before you change your plans drastically.
Talking has not helped in my case,MIL is still being a right royal pain in the **** to say the least.She has even insisted that she is going to be my maid of honour even though I don,t want one and has invited my hubby to be,s childhood friend to stay so that he can be best man even though we don,t want a best man.
All I can say to you is don,t forget it is YOUR WEDDING!!!MIL has already had hers,tell her to but out!!!Start of by being tactful but be blunt if you have to.
Just read your post in full.As far as OH "Not getting involved",he bloomin well needs to.You don,t want to be in a situation whereby he always back up his mum rather than his wife,he needs to back you up.
Your only 19.I am 34,consider myself fairly confident and mouthy and still have to fight to be heard by MIL.
Get it sorted,stand up for yourself and insist that your husband to be stands up for you too."Reaching out to touch the stars dont forget the flowers at your feet".0 -
This is not advice about the wedding dilemma but a little about your worries about crossing the class divide. Most of the traits you are describing such as removing shoes before coming in to the house and sending your kids to every evening activity under the sun so they can 'better themselves' are actually lower middle class rather than middle class (middle-middle to upper-middle is what most people who actually give a dam about these things aim for). Ostentatious shows of wealth such as ‘throwing away a perfectly good shirt because of a tiny hole’ are signs of class anxiety, not of being in a higher social class than you.
None of the phraseology or attitudes you have expressed about your upbringing suggest she is in a higher social class than you, and I am also convinced by your post that both you and your (unofficial) fianc! know that there is no way in the world you are anything other than just as good as anyone else in his family!
HTH
Gem (sorry for the lecture - the desire to get something useful out of my doctorate sometimes gets the better of me).
PS. In actual fact one of the main indicators of being in a higher social class (and there are many) is carrying on doing things the way you want to whilst not giving a dam what other people think! So if you ignore her and make yourselves happy you can be reassured you are demonstrating a upper-middle to upper class trait …0 -
When you have made some plans could you ask for her choice over some things. EG when my children were young and we went shoe shopping I chose colour style etc then they were measured, out of possible 4 pairs they could choose which pair. I got my way and they got theirs. If you asked for her imput on some things do you think she would still want to take over everything? maybe this is giving in to her you probably need to be assertive now before time moves on. Make a list with OH then meet with both families and tell them what your plans are. You are marrying him not her remember, but thats easy to say I know as my in laws are excellent.Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes0
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Could you book things first then tell MIL what the plans are?
I'm getting married next year and have booked just about everything I need. I didn't count on anyone else paying for it, so chose what I wanted and what I could afford. Then a couple of weeks ago my dad came round to 'see what's what' and gave me a cheque to pay for what I'd booked! He told me if there's any more needed then to tell him about it! It was a wonderful thing for him to do and it made me cry!
What I'm saying is that when you book it you only have to pay a deposit and then settle the balance at a later date. So book what you can afford and then if you do pay for it yourself you know you can do it.Sealed Pot Challenge #817 £50 banked
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