Is there any helping my friend?

choccyface2006

My friend that lives only a few doors awayf rom me is driving me mad!

I apoligise in advance for the bad lauguage, I am just trying to make a point here.

She has has an on/off relationship with a man for three years, basically, although I have never met him he is a VERY nasty piece of work. He lives about 20 mins away.

He treats her very badly, lots of verbal abuse but he knows that she is in love with him and always available whenever he wants to get his leg over She would like a proper relationship with him but he just wants her on tap to fulfil he sexual demands.

She texts him alot and he says she is stalking him and even tells her to fcuk off, leave him alone, doesn't want to know her. Then the next minute he texts her asking if she wants his big co$$ and like a fool she lets him come round, get his own way with her then he goes and tells her not to bother him, never to text or call him again.

He is completly in control of her, she is at his beck and call and she always thinks he will change and makes ridiculas excuses for him, for example - he must be depressed, he is having a mid-life crisis, he will be okay when his house sells and he will be ready to settle down.

It doesn't help that she saw a psychic who told her that she would meet a man that would treat her badly but if she waited FIVE YEARS she might get him to settle down with her. She keeps telling me its only been three years so he will change soon. What a load of rubbish, yet she is relying on this!

She rings me several times a day or comes round, sometimes I spend hours going over the same old thing with her, I give her as much sensible advice as I can but it falls on deaf ears. I got her a new mobile sim so she could change her number and be unavailable for him but she won't do it. I suggested she stops answering his calls or replying to his texts but she is always hopeful that he will change his mind.

He is on every dating site going so she set up a bogus profile to talk to him, he asked if he could meet for sex asap. She guessed his email password and read his emails, he is seeing women/chatting to women all the time but still she makes excuses.

I hate to see her upset like this but its wearing me down. I feel like her personal therapist but she doesn't take any sound advice. I have my own problems, have been having recent relationship problems of my own and my daughter was hospitalised recently because she tried to commit suicide but all this goes over my friends head, she is simply far too engrossed in her own situation to ask me about mine.

She is also on dating sites trying to find someone that will give her a proper relationship, she places alot of emphasise on having a man around for Christmas. She has been on dozens of dates, sleeps with them then decides she only wants this guy, thus messing other people about and confusing things even more because she gets calls and texts from all these men day and night.

I do want to help but everything goes in one ear and out the other with her. Is there anything I can do? When I told a work collegue (not the details of course) she suggested banning talk about his man. I tried to do that yesterday but it failed badly!

Maybe theres nothing I can do to help her?

mrcow

I hate to see her upset like this but its wearing me down. I feel like her personal therapist but she doesn't take any sound advice. I have my own problems, have been having recent relationship problems of my own and my daughter was hospitalised recently because she tried to commit suicide but all this goes over my friends head, she is simply far too engrossed in her own situation to ask me about mine.

This is the part of your post that you need to be reading over and over.

Your friend is being extremely selfish using you like this. It sounds like she's loving the attention. Try distancing yourself a little. It's easy to do bit by bit. Don't call her and when she does come over and starts nattering on about it all, just tell her that you've both been through it all ad naseum and she knows how you feel about it and change the subject to something you want to talk about. Cut down the contact and concentrate on your own life.

I used to work with someone who sounded very much like this friend of yours (except he was a man). He was actually very controlling and loved the attention that I used to give him out of sympathy. I ended up having to change my phone number :eek:

kate1976

choccyface2006 wrote: »

It doesn't help that she saw a psychic who told her that she would meet a man that would treat her badly but if she waited FIVE YEARS she might get him to settle down with her. She keeps telling me its only been three years so he will change soon. What a load of rubbish, yet she is relying on this!

There are people out there who love to believe the carp that 'psychics' come out with so I doubt she'll listen to you!

He is on every dating site going so she set up a bogus profile to talk to him, he asked if he could meet for sex asap. She guessed his email password and read his emails, he is seeing women/chatting to women all the time but still she makes excuses.

She's just setting herself up for a huge fall and again I doubt she'll listen to you!

I have my own problems, have been having recent relationship problems of my own and my daughter was hospitalised recently because she tried to commit suicide

I'm sorry to hear that, I wish you well with your relationship and your daughter.

Maybe theres nothing I can do to help her?

As I've said, I doubt she'll ever listen to you, some people are just best left to their own devices and just be there for her if/when it all goes t!ts up for her. Concentrate on your own problems and don't let her problems take over you! Hopefully she'll learn one day!

All my answers are in blue!

paddy's_mum

There is nothing you can do to help her! You can talk and advise until you are blue in the face but until she recognises the problems and deals with them herself, the situation will not change. (If she carries on like this, she may well end up dead in a ditch somewhere.)

However, what you can do is make it absolutely clear that you no longer have the time or the inclination to listen to every last detail of this sad and self-perpetuating cycle.

Dear Mildred,

I value the friendship between us but I have been feeling very unhappy lately with how things are going. I felt that I needed to let you know so that we can sort it out, rather than waiting until I lose my temper, say too much and destroy the friendship.

You are aware that in recent weeks/months, I have been having personal problems of my own. These have taken up a great deal of my time and thoughts. I now find myself becoming less and less able to listen to you when you want to talk about your problems with Peter Plonker. We have gone over the ground many times before, and you know my views both about him and the situation.

I really do not want to damage our friendship but just feel that I need to have a break from this constant merry-go-round of talk about someone of whom I do not have a very high opinion. I feel very sad for you because I know that he has hurt you often but feel that you might be wiser to find an independent counseller.

Can we now agree that from now on, the subject of Peter Plonker is one that we will avoid?

With affection Choccyface.

You do, of course, run the risk that she will fall out with you over it. Perhaps the question you need to ask yourself is whether this selfish, liberty-taking person is actually the 'friend' that you believe her to be. Left to itself, you will eventually either lose your rag and shout your frustration (end of friendship) or start actively avoiding her (end of friendship). At least, by writing a letter you have given her the chance to make an effort to save the friendship. Good luck.

choccyface2006

Mrcow - I think you are right about her enjoying the attention from me, and her being selfish.

It feels like she doesn't ever ask me about whats going on in my life, the other day I said I was wrapping a present for Simon, she said "who the hell is Simon" and I had to tell her that was my ex husbands name! We have been friends for 3 years and she should have known that, I mention him quite abit.

Its all about her and how this man is messing her about, even when I text her to let her know that I wouldn't be able to see her because my daughter was in hospital she ignored that and went on to tell me about the horrible things this man had said to her. When I got back off holiday I called her and instead of asking if I had had a nice time, she kept me on the phone for hours updating me on her news.

It all sounds abit petty but its infuriating!

choccyface2006

Thank you Kate, my daughter is abit better now, there are still problems but thats a whole new thread.

Great letter Paddys mum, I'll keep it and might resort to using it, you hit the nail on the head.

x

Pinklady_3

I agree with what everyone else has said.

If this person was a real friend she would want to help you with your problems as well, not just talk about her own. Your friendship sounds very one sided.

I have been in situations where close friends have been in relationships where they have been treated badly (although not as badly as your friend) and find that they don't really want truthful advice. They will ignore any advice you give to do with getting rid of the partner from their life and always end up making excuses for them. I also find that when things are good they are great and when they are bad they are awful - things tend to get very exaggerated.
I have now stopped giving advice and just listen as I feel I am wasting my breath. Luckily, these friends do not just go on and on about themselves all the time, if they did I would make excuses to stop seeing them.

choccyface2006

Thanks Pinklady, it all makes sense. I think I will try to distance myself from her and her problems for a while.

x

belfastgirl23

Or if you still want to be friends, you could just stop her in her tracks every time she starts to talk about him and say that you don't want to hear it....you can do it with a smile but be pretty firm about it.

you won't be able to do anything to change her tho

choccyface2006

Yes, I told her that yesterday after it was suggested to me, she carried on regardless.....my fault - I need to be firmer!

taxi97w

Seems that she doesn't want any advice anyway, she doesn't seem to take it.

Some people just love the drama. It's who they are. Take away the drama, and what have they got?