Just discovered husbands credit card debt. Not sure how to tackle it.

spotchequer

Little update - firstly thank you all for taking the time to write your replies, they really helped me feel more prepared and knowledgeable on what may come and how to move forward.

After a few days of us having to pass like ships in the night as usual, just having minutes on breaks to speak on the phone and me expressing myself calmly about how it made me feel he finally told me he was ready to make his confession after speaking to a counsellor as he wanted to be who he was before. 

He admitted that he had been hiding big problems from me - an addiction to alcohol and slot machines. He's been able to easily cover this for some time because of our timetables, where I work fixed days for normal hours, he would come home in the morning once his shift was over and would then go the short walk to town and drink in the pubs there and then go in the gaming machine places nearby while under the influence. He would obviously lose and ( he was trying to recreate previous wins he's had at pubs) and when he couldn't, he tried to cover the losses by taking money from the credit cards. He admitted he knew the debt was more and had lied about this but didn't realise how big it had become. He's now getting counselling once a week and has said he's open to any couples therapy. His brother has had addiction problems and his parents admitted his father has not had his own bank account since early on in their long marriage as he was unable to manage money and ended up in debt. This was surprising and obviously helped to make sense of a few things. 

I am now setting my husband small targets like checking with each card company about his interest and if they can help in any way etc as I have told him he needs to get his head round the figures and he should know them off by heart where he's at with it all of it. He's also thrown himself into housework and walking the dog while I'm at work and has not made the decision not to drink any more - something he's said before but that was before he admitted he had a problem, he has finally done this.

Today Halifax offered him a three month payment holiday from both cards and to essentially freeze the balances for that time - no interest to be added which is great as it will give a chance of breathing space. 
His parents are also going to be temporarily staying with us and will pay us rent so we'll be able to put that towards paying off and they're pleased to help with this.

Honestly it's a massive relief that he has admitted all of this - of course I'm gutted but it feels like I've known deep down that something wasn't right, that he was shut off from me in certain ways and now it makes sense. 

We're working on doing a SOA and posting it, just need to check my figures before posting. It's been such an emotionally exhausting week but it feels like at last he's opened up what the problem is.

enthusiasticsaver

Sounds like you have had a successful conversation with him.  There is a gambling anonymous helpline he could contact and obviously his GP may be able to help with alcohol addiction.  I suggest until he is on top of this he does not have access to credit or debit cards but making him confront the figures is sensible.  Good that Halifax have given you some breathing space to sort this out. 

Fatsdom

I suspect he's been gambling online. Its quite hard and time consuming to lose "that" much on pub slots.

I would suggest demanding to see bank statements before moving on, even if they bank have to post them out. The situation will be easier to deal with once you know exactly what you are dealing with. 

If my suspicions are right and he has been gambling online, then without suitable blocks in place he WILL do it again, maybe not for a while, but it will happen.

Mojisola

spotchequer said:

He admitted that he had been hiding big problems from me - an addiction to alcohol and slot machines.
Honestly it's a massive relief that he has admitted all of this - of course I'm gutted but it feels like I've known deep down that something wasn't right, that he was shut off from me in certain ways and now it makes sense.

It's good that he has come clean and talked about his addictions but he will be very unusual if this is now sorted.

Addicts care more about their addiction than anything and anyone else so don't be surprised if he slips into his old ways, particularly at times of stress.

It may all work out but it won't be a smooth path.

Retireby40

Fatsdom said:

I suspect he's been gambling online. Its quite hard and time consuming to lose "that" much on pub slots.

I would suggest demanding to see bank statements before moving on, even if they bank have to post them out. The situation will be easier to deal with once you know exactly what you are dealing with. 

If my suspicions are right and he has been gambling online, then without suitable blocks in place he WILL do it again, maybe not for a while, but it will happen.

He may also frequent bookies which are usually beside pubs and they have machines there which are able to eat money for fun. You can literally lose hundreds in an hour on the machines. 

If it's the standard pub machines he still would have the ability to lose £30-40 quid a day combined with maybe £20-30 spent on alcohol and that soon adds up.

OP you say your husband has thrown himself into x y and z about the house and has said he isnt going to drink etc. Its been the first day or 2. Dont drop your guard.

Firstly you need to take 100% control of his finances. You take his card and credit cards and every form of cash he has. Whatever he needs for work ie petrol for the car or a fiver for lunch thats all he has. You cannot be a gambling addict and handle money. Not at the start anyway. 5-10 years into recovery yes. But 1 day. No.

Also a word of advice. Do not take joint loans with him. Do not risk your house to clear debts. If it takes 20 years so be it. There is no quick fix and you dont want to make huge sacrifices and see your future damaged on the spin of a machine.

Help yes. But protect you and your assets also. The relapse rate of addicts is huge. It is very unlikely that him giving up habits he has built up over time to disappear. There will be relapses. There will be rough moments. Its about limiting the damage. Hence why you need to take 100% of all his money. Good luck.

NeverendingDMP

Just wanted to say good luck with it all. The first step of being open about it all, seems to have been taken. It's likely you will have some ups and downs though. I dont know a lot about it but other people before have mentioned gamcare? and being able to get blocks on your bank accounts to prevent gambling transactions. These may be worth looking at as even a one day slip up could be very expensive.

NeverendingDMP

And stay tough on him- in the nicest way possible x

madaboutspots

I doubt I can add more than Retireby40 has already said - relapse rate, don't share loans and don't let your guard down. 

My hubby was married to a compulsive shopper and addicted gambler. The relapses were numerous, the secrets we're endless and he tried so hard to help her resolve her issues to no avail. Taking care of her child even took a back seat compared to her addictions. 

Scarred him for life and it's taken me years to reassure him by having an incredibly sensible and cautious approach to all money habits. He still can't spend money on himself without worrying about the future, however secure he knows we are. He walked away with nothing which was very sad. He's recovered well but I knew him when we were young and the difference was shocking - he was broken. 

His mother was also an alcoholic and died as a result so unfortunately we do know a bit about these issues.

Caution about promises (however well meant at the time) and self protection will be your best friends. Good luck - the pull of addictions will make this a very turbulent time for all around your husband. .... Don't wait 20 years before realising it's revolving situation! 

Do take care. x

Westie983

Well done for having that conversation - I hope that allthough it will be tough he has made the first step by admitting he has a problem, Its a step forward then you were. 

Look forward to seeing the SOA to see where we can help you, but like others have said, contact Stepchange and Gamcare for the gambling addiction, 

Keep updating here, we can all try and help if not just for support,

Westie983

IrishSean

Hi,
Ive been in a similar situation to your husbands. I agree with those who say you must see all bank account and credit card statements for 12 months.

I guarantee you are not receiving the full picture. You must go with him to self exclude from all bookmakers and casinos within 10 miles. You must supervise him while he self excludes from every online bookmaker and casino via GAMSTOP for 5 years; this was 50% of my LBM, the other was leaving all forms of gambling behind; 12 months and virtually gambling free (certainly online free), 4 month chip for completely free (lottery, 49s, £5 football coupon, the works) tomorrow, 30/11. 

Spare cash & ability to budget short, medium & long term is transformed.

If he resists any of this he needs to give definitive reasons why; in addition he needs to account for debit card / cash spends and you both need a joint 1 hour monthly review of each other's credit files so no new credit can be hidden (so he doesn't feel completely singled out).

No to a consolidation loan and no to putting anything against the mortgage, it will probably cost more in the long run. 

Good luck to you both; your combined £45k p.a. should be enough to cope with it. I like avalanching which is going after the highest apr & minimum to the other debt, but whatever works best for you both. Set a realistic time frame; hammer the debt, encourage him to take ownership & do everything (overtime, weekend work, selling stuff etc.) to clear it asap.