Just discovered husbands credit card debt. Not sure how to tackle it.

madaboutspots

I'm sad to read of you finding yourself in such a devastatingly upsetting position. From your post it's clearly not what you thought you had as a foundation when you married. 

So many times on DFW a lightbulb moment is talked about as the start of the journey to change unproductive ways into greater planning for life - shared or otherwise. There is nothing that I can see at all in anything you've posted that suggests your husband has had anything like a lightbulb moment. It reads a lot more as though he's hidden all of this from you, given excuses and vague/no answers when pushed and now apparently relinquished all responsibility (however willingly or otherwise) to you to sort the issue that's of his making.

Is that him being either honest or having a lightbulb moment?... 

I would suggest you need to be wary and consider protecting yourself from further surprises OR a repeat of the same behaviour. Make that (you) your No.1 priority before anything else. Your husband has sadly, for now, not made you his priority - has he?

If the current debt that you're aware of were secured against a jointly owned home you would be liable as much as him - that's not him not taking personal responsibility. If you take control of all the finances - it's not him taking responsibility for resolving the situation he's created. It could also leave you open to his criticism if you don't get it sorted which could be tricky to defend but... it also doesn't rule out him applying for more credit/loans without your knowledge - I saw this happen to a friend who wanted to believe her husband had changed his ways. Ended badly both financially and the marriage. Particularly sad for the children.

Surely central to this is the lack of communication, openness, honesty and ownership of why and how the debt has occurred? Is this a good basis for an equal/shared relationship? Is marriage not 2 people sharing their lives (all encompassing) with their life partner? Having joint or separate bank accounts is semantics and personal choice. The crux of the relationship working long term is truth, trust, honesty, openness and nothing in the now or next that is a secret "issue". We all have skeletons in the closet, stuff in the past, things we did that we're not proud of but when you marry don't you sign up to also deal with everything life throws at you as a couple - whichever of you it impacts? 

I would worry not just about the hiding of debts, the apparent lack of his "knowledge" as to the cause, the vagueness as to the level but also... What else isn't being said or disclosed?

What next for your relationship? Life has so many twists and turns we can't see coming. How can you be equipped as a couple, as a partnership to deal with them if you don't already have the solid foundation on which to weather these challenges? 

At 50 I have had many brilliant, wonderful and happy experiences but I've also had my fair share of utterly tragic ones. You never see the worst ones coming, I promise you that. If you choose a life partner you make sure you both know and agree to what you're signing up for. If you want strong, faithful, dependable and honest etc don't accept or settle for a cheating liar that's never there for you to lean on. I'm not judging your relationship merely making a point. If you know that you live fairly separate lives and won't want to depend on your partner then that's grand but don't then judge how they live their life - it's none of your business. If however you want a true soulmate who is your guiding light through thick and thin then don't settle for the former as he will always let you down and you will always expect/want more than he can give.

I would go back to the basics with your relationship with your husband..... What are your values, life plans, expectations of each other? If they're the same, you will find a way through anything if you work together. If you're not aligned in the important factors to you both then you will always disappoint each other - him for spending too much on whatever (for example) and you for treating him as someone that can't be trusted and needs to be monitored. Your values don't have to be the same as mine or anyone else's but surely they need to be the same for both of you?! 

I wish you safe travels through your life and your marriage, whatever the outcome of both. Stay true to yourself, wherever that takes you. Your husband maybe can't change how he is or how he behaves - perhaps if he really wants to but that's his decision - not yours. Try not to hate him for who he is but do consider if you have the relationship that YOU want in order to be happy. If you have, then work together - nothing else will get you through (IMO). If you haven't already got what you want then change it - together or on your own. Choose your own future, don't let others do that for you or you'll have no one else to blame but your own self for lacking the courage to be true to you. 

Aspiration

Didn’t want to read and run.

The advice on the second or third post is what I would recommend. Understand what is outstanding, payments due and what has been defaulted etc and then work from there.
Regarding understanding where the debt has gone I would get all of the statements and then try and work through together. Please don’t assume he is gambling or frittering it away. He may be, who knows. From experience and burying my head i know I’ve ended up in a lot of debt from just moving money about and trying to cover bills. 

Sorry for the upset but there are so many stories of people becoming debt free I’m sure he can do it. 

DebtHurricane

I echo that whilst you’re married and in a partnership, you taking control of his finances is absolving him of taking responsibility for his actions. This reads like he has an addiction, possibly gambling. The lack of detail and playing ignorant is exactly what I’ve seen gamblers and addicts use to create ambiguity as they’re so fearful of being caught. 

May be wrong but I truly think he needs to tackle this, not you. Otherwise you’re just fixing the problem without the root cause being addressed. And it’ll happen again. 

Petriix

It seems highly likely that the debt is mostly interest accrued over a long period of paying insufficient monthly payments and maybe doing a bunch of balance transfers.

Everyone says not to secure it on the house, but that's exactly what I *would* do. A £21k additional mortgage would be at ~ 2% rather than 25% and would save thousands in the long run. Over a 20 year term it would only be £106 per month and by overpaying by 10% each year it could be cleared in < 8 years. Otherwise you're paying ~ £440 in interest alone every month.

Speak to a mortgage broker ASAP.

Naomim

Are you sure the amount that goes into the joint account is enough to cover all the household bills?  I know from my own experience at least £10k built up from food shopping alone.  I had a credit card to do the food shopping only and paid it off every month, until I didn't.  Before I knew it there was £7k on there. 

You need to go through your bills and joint account,  and get all the credit card statements to see where the money has been spent.  

I disagree with getting a secured loan against your mortgage mainly due to the uncertainty that your husband can apply for other cards in the future although this will be harder as his credit file will be trashed. But you could then be in the situation of larger payments.  Consolidation rarely works as the root cause of the spending isn't addressed and learning to live within a budget.

I realise there is an awful lot for you to deal with at the moment,  but please keep coming here and posting.  We can't make decisions for you but many have been in your situation and may be able to offer solutions or alternatives that you may not have thought of. 

Good luck

Naomim 

badmemory

Please no consolidation loan.  It may be cheaper.  It may well eventually lose you the roof over your head.  It might be an idea to check that there isn't already one.  I have to say my first thought was a gambling addiction, but then I remembered the massive dinner for 2 bills in towns I had never been to.  Yes over 30 years ago "she" cost me over £7k in less than a year including a small inheritance I had (what is that in todays terms?).   But at least I didn't have the debt hanging round my neck.  You need to find out what this has been spent on or you will never have peace of mind.  I meant it when I suggested you check that there isn't already an additional loan on your home.  A gambler/serious liar will not stop at forging a signature to get access to more funds.

PS I do hope I am proved to be completely & utterly wrong!

madaboutspots

Yes, sadly my suspicions were along the affair, additional family lines - the staying overnight at work sounded incredibly dubious added to the spending/debt.

Drug and gambling habits usually have some indicators at times - health re drugs and the occasional splurge due to a secret win for the gambling.  

You'll probably know in your gut if you suspect the same - I remember back to when it happened to me there were so many obvious clues once I chose to accept that was the likeliest behaviour. My suspicions confirmed I moved on.

Not an easy time but better to know and cut ties than ignore and be walked all over..... I certainly wouldn't want to be helping anyone like that sort out their debt - let alone sharing responsibility for it by adding it to a shared mortgage.

Best wishes for whatever it is you have to deal with and remember to keep yourself as No 1 priority. 

fatbelly

I just want to point out that a debt management plan should be interest-free and he has probably already done the damage to his credit file by defaulting. 

Retireby40

Firstly everyone I know has some form of banking app. I fail to understand how he doesnt have one.

Secondly he would likely be getting some correspondence via email, or mail from the company he owes the money too. Theres a paper trail somewhere. It sounds like he doesnt want to find it rather than cant.

As people have said above be very careful about your next move. Do not jeopardise your house. 

If someone is staying late at work, spending money they cant account for and lying about figures it is a huge red flag. It's basically jumping out to you that something is up. Gambling is a possibility. Paying for hotels and other things is another possibility. You CANNOT be passive about this. You need to be assertive and forceful and get answer to your questions. If my other half had 21k of debt that had built up during our relationship and had loans that I didnt know about I would want to know why.

Westie983

I Hope you have found some relief in the conversations that you have had with your husband, now that it is out in the air, but I would suggest you speak to stepchange (https://www.stepchange.org) for some impartial advice on debt management options. I would agree with others the loan consolidations would be a high risk as there are many threads on here of people that have taken out loan to pay of debts and then run the debts back up and then have the loan and the debts to repay. I also would be concerned about putting the debt onto your mortgage as you say its not your debt and there is a risk you could lose the home in the long run. 

Please contact stepchange and come back to us and let us know how things are going. Remember you are not alone, that first step is admitting there is a problem.

Westie983