Housing benefit (Scotland) - renting from friends/family

ripplyuk

KatrinaWaves said:

So honestly it cannot be that bad if living with her abuser is a better option than a bed and breakfast. So I respectfully say that whilst she is having a maybe not so fun time living her her husband she is not in a dangerous or abusive situation as if she was she’d want to be out of there. 

You are wrong and your attitude is one of the reasons people don’t leave. Many women stay with partners who are extremely abusive and violent. Some stay until they are killed by them. There are many complex reasons for this and a fear of judgement is one of them. I would have thought you’d know that since you say you work with those affected by domestic abuse. 

KatrinaWaves

ripplyuk said:

KatrinaWaves said:

So honestly it cannot be that bad if living with her abuser is a better option than a bed and breakfast. So I respectfully say that whilst she is having a maybe not so fun time living her her husband she is not in a dangerous or abusive situation as if she was she’d want to be out of there. 

You are wrong and your attitude is one of the reasons people don’t leave. Many women stay with partners who are extremely abusive and violent. Some stay until they are killed by them. There are many complex reasons for this and a fear of judgement is one of them. I would have thought you’d know that since you say you work with those affected by domestic abuse. 

If my opinion offends you I am sorry, but this situation is that this woman prefers to live with her abuser than to be in a small flat or BNB. Not because of being ‘judged’ because she doesn’t want to live in the accommodation. Again sorry if it offends you but to choose an abusive ‘big’ house over a free small house means that it cannot be that bad. It just can’t. It’s not a case of ‘ooh I’ll stay with him until a nice place comes up okay!’ I am VERY aware that people die at the hands of abusive partners, which makes it all the more ridiculous to play the abusive card whilst actively choosing to stay there because a BnB doesn’t appeal!! 

Like I said, if she wants to leave there is a tonne of support out there. That support does not extend to bending benefits law so that her benefits can be funnelled to her son to ‘improve his financial situation’.

how does my attitude make women stay?! I am
actively telling her the stuff out there that can help her! She is saying ‘no thanks it’s a bit small for me, I’ll just sit far away from him unless it’s time to go in the kitchen’  

Lanzarote1938

why doesn't her son simply look for a privately rented flat that she likes? After all they are expecting it to be paid for by housing benefit. Why do all this circuitous nonsense of someone getting a mortgage etc purely to provide an old lady with a home in the the fairly distant future, with no ulterior motives at all of course.

halfajack

ripplyuk said:

KatrinaWaves said:

So honestly it cannot be that bad if living with her abuser is a better option than a bed and breakfast. So I respectfully say that whilst she is having a maybe not so fun time living her her husband she is not in a dangerous or abusive situation as if she was she’d want to be out of there. 

You are wrong and your attitude is one of the reasons people don’t leave. Many women stay with partners who are extremely abusive and violent. Some stay until they are killed by them. There are many complex reasons for this and a fear of judgement is one of them. I would have thought you’d know that since you say you work with those affected by domestic abuse. 

Thank you - someone finally gets it. Right from the first reply this person was sarcastic and mocking and I found it so horrible because of the nature of advice I was asking for. While she denies it, it was definitely implied that the story is exaggerated with lots of comparisons with other people's abuse and how 'if it's that bad' the woman would be in temporary accommodation. My replies have been perhaps less reserved than I would usually aim for but I was so appalled by this continued line of attack from this person after asking her to stop. She even continues by telling me I can control who replies to me on a public forum - no I can't but I asked politely and to go against that is pretty poor behaviour, especially for someone who supports domestic abuse victims. 

halfajack

Lanzarote1938 said:

why doesn't her son simply look for a privately rented flat that she likes? After all they are expecting it to be paid for by housing benefit. Why do all this circuitous nonsense of someone getting a mortgage etc purely to provide an old lady with a home in the the fairly distant future, with no ulterior motives at all of course.

She has been looking for a private flat to rent too for a long time. Not found anything suitable she can afford. I think I said earlier that there's a dearth of rental properties in her area. I wouldn't say it's circuitous nonsense - it was a suggested solution because of the problems in finding rentals I was asking for advice on, that's all. Thanks for taking time to reply and clarifying that you don't think it would work. 

KatrinaWaves

You were the one said you’d read all about contrived tenancies, so must have seen the million and one ways this fits in. 

You are the one who used the abuse as a ‘will this situation change anything’ as if her particular abuse means she can pick and choose her accommodation whilst having the tax payer pay her sons mortgage. The answer is no. The abuse in this situation is irrelevant. The question is ‘can a son buy a flat and have his mum claim HB to rent it’ and you already knew the answer was no, but you felt bringing up decades long abuse would change that and now want to back track when you’ve been told of the options that abused women have but she doesn’t want to use those, she wants help on her terms. 

halfajack

KatrinaWaves said:

You were the one said you’d read all about contrived tenancies, so must have seen the million and one ways this fits in. 

You are the one who used the abuse as a ‘will this situation change anything’ as if her particular abuse means she can pick and choose her accommodation whilst having the tax payer pay her sons mortgage. The answer is no. The abuse in this situation is irrelevant. The question is ‘can a son buy a flat and have his mum claim HB to rent it’ and you already knew the answer was no, but you felt bringing up decades long abuse would change that and now want to back track when you’ve been told of the options that abused women have but she doesn’t want to use those, she wants help on her terms. 

No, I said I knew about contrived tenancies so didn't need to be told about them but was looking to see if there was a way this wouldn't be considered one (perhaps I could've worded it better but I think most sensible and kind people got that as you see from the other replies). Perhaps it was irrelevant to mention the domestic abuse situation and I do regret that now given the horrible response it's prompted from you, though others have been lovely. I just thought it would help to provide context explaining why the woman wanted her own place at her stage in life after decades of marriage. It may be factually right to say she wants help on her own terms but the connotations are insulting. She wants her own place with no stairs or a lift, she's not found that in private rental in her area or housing and she does not want to cause upset and distress among her wider family by making it an issue by going the routes you've suggested. She wanted a chance at her own place without having to do that - if that's on her own terms then so be it and I respect that, although I wish her mind could be changed.

You also picked me up on my comment about her age. Yes, I know 76 isn't the end of life for many but again you are showing complete lack of empathy or understanding for other people. My own mother is in her 70s and still very active. I worked with a teacher who was in her 70s (having chosen not to retire till later) and had more energy than me at times! However, we are not all equal. This woman lives near Glasgow where the life expectancy is 72 for men and 78 for women. That's obviously inconceivable to you but the reality for people who live in areas of high deprivation. Again your whole attitude and tone, as well as lack of knowledge of our country's socioeconomic and health realities, is very concerning to me for someone who works with abuse victims. You seem very suspicious of others and quite angry. 

Lanzarote1938

Do she amd her husband own the bungalow they live in? If she owns a property it may affect housing benefit.

halfajack

Lanzarote1938 said:

Do she amd her husband own the bungalow they live in? If she owns a property it may affect housing benefit.

No, they rent.