Missed Mortgage Payments

AskAsk

ConnieSwee said:

AskAsk said:

ConnieSwee said:

Thank you for replying again - I just feel very in the dark with no idea where things are at/what may happen next, it's hard to feel so little control over the situation.

i don't understand why your boyfriend won't tell you about his finances.  as you guys have lived together for 5 years and you are pregnant with his child, i would hardly call him your boyfriend but your partner.  a boyfriend is someone you date.  a partner is someone you are involved with more seriously, which you guys are.

has he explained why he won't tell you about the finances?  have you asked directly why he doesn't want to disclose them?

AskAsk, he has said he is depressed- that has unfortunately only come to the fore seemingly under the perceived pressure of having a family to look after now, although he adores the baby. I've asked so many times about the bills it's become a really emotive issue now - the last time I tried to broach the subject with him I just burst into tears when he said he doesn't know what's going on either. I think he's in a lot of debt & he's burying his head in the sand & can't face up to it.

he does sound depressed and is not dealing with the bills because he can't pay them.  people bury their head in the sand when they run out of options.  there was a time when my husband didn't read any post and just put them all in the drawer until one day he told me he had received a letter from HMRC to say that they are sending the bailiffs over as he had not completed his tax return and they had given him long enough to do so.  they therefore estimated that he owed them some 40k and as he wasn't paying it, they are sending the bailiffs round.

it wasn't because we didn't have the money.  it was too much for him to complete the tax return as he found it overwhelming and he felt depressed about things so he couldn't face it.

since that time i have taken over the administering of all financial affairs at home as he obviously is not organised or has the will power to deal with the paperwork.  i now open all his mail whether he likes it or not and when he complains, i tell him i am only doing so as i want to help him and take all the stress away from him.

if your partner refuses to discuss bills with you, you could just open his mail which looks like bills.  i know you shouldn't really do this, but you are his partner and you have the right to know what is going on with the debt as it affect you both and as he is not disclosing the debt, i personally think you have the right to open mail that looks like bills or court orders.

TBagpuss

Do you have anything financial in joint names? If not, make sure than nothing goes into joint names. If you do, aim to close those accounts and set up new ones in your sole name.
It sounds as though he is badly in debt and f you have anything in joint names, this will affect your credit record and you will be liable for any overdrafts or unpaid amounts on the joint accounts.

It sounds as though you've kept your finances separate which is a good thing, but do double check.

He can sell if the mortgage is in arrears - indeed, the bank is likely to be keen for him to do so as it means they don't have to repossess.  You having contributed doesn't give you any claim to the house or any liability in relation to the mortgage or arrears.

I would suggest that you start to plan on the assumption that the house house will either be sold or repossessed, so either way you will need your own accommodation. Start to save for a deposit so you can rent somewhere, and think about how you will manage with returning to work, child care or covering rent if you need to do it alone. 

If your partner isn't working, it may make sense for you to go back to work sooner rather than later and for him to care for the baby, as this may put you as a family in a better position.

I would suggest that you encourage him to take to Stepchange or another debt support charity but you can't force him to do so, so you may also need to do some serious thinking about whether you want to remain in a relationship with someone who is not able to manage their financial situation or to get help, and who is not willing to be open with you so you can address it as a family. 

mason's_mum

This sounds to me more of a mental health issue, possibly brought on by the perceived sudden responsibility of having a family to look after (especially if the pregnancy was unplanned) - you have said he is depressed and honestly, all the signs point to him being depressed - I would be asking him to speak to his GP or maybe contacting Mind for help and advice, and not giving up on him just yet, he may need your support to get through this, but he has to want to do it.
I know it doesn't deal with the immediate threat of being made homeless, or repossession, so I would start planning for that eventuality, but I wonder if that could be dealt with once the mental health issue is under control?

mason's_mum

ConnieSwee said:

Mason's Mum, thank you for taking the time to reply, yes, I do think there are certainly mental health issues going on. It's taken him a while to access help for this - a delay on his part & then a delay because of the lockdown but I do believe he is getting somewhere with this now - although he's reticent to let me know about this too, I think he's finally getting referred for some talking therapies.

Mental health is so hard to understand. Men especially struggle as they put all this pressure on themselves to be the strong ones - it takes longer for them to come to terms with the fact that they are not managing, and every little issue they face (including your offer of helping sort the bills out :'(  no matter how well meant) becomes more proof of their failure and harder to sort, and heads are firmly buried in sand until it all becomes too much (and they quit their job for instance).
I'm sorry, I know this sounds like I'm sticking up for him, but I had a feeling he wasn't just being a t**t about things, rationally, perfectly well people don't just usually quit their jobs for no reason! I'm just glad to hear he is now getting the help he needs, and hopefully your situation will improve. I wish you all the best.

AskAsk

ConnieSwee said:

if your partner refuses to discuss bills with you, you could just open his mail which looks like bills.  i know you shouldn't really do this, but you are his partner and you have the right to know what is going on with the debt as it affect you both and as he is not disclosing the debt, i personally think you have the right to open mail that looks like bills or court orders.

AskAsk, thank you for sharing your experience with me, that does sound very like my partner & it's a relief to talk to someone who has been through similar.  My partner also has unfinished accounts & tax returns he should've handed in to HMRC- again, these were things I offered to & would've been very happy to help him with to get it all done on time but he wouldn't let me.
I will try to talk to him again - I'll be moving the latest pile of unopened post soon from the hallway to his office, might be a good point for me to insist we tackle it - although last time I tried to move the post he told me to not even touch it. I hate arguments & confrontations but I know in avoiding them I am just letting the situation get worse.

try to tell him that you understand what he is going through and you are desperate to help.  so you want to take the pressure off him by looking into the bills for him.  a problem shared is a problem solved and all that.
tell him that all this not knowing is having a terrible effect on you, and consequentially on the unborn baby, as it has been proven that the mother's mood during pregnancy has an effect on the baby's development.

my husband often tells me not to touch the post that belongs to him, or to move them.  but i quietly do it anyway and once done, there isn't much he can do about it  

i think your partner needs support from you as he is not coping.  so once the baby is born and your maternity leave is over, he could look after the baby and you go back to work to help pay the bills.

sweetsand

Dear OP
As you have already acknowledged some really helpful posts here.
Please be prepared as much as poss re worse case scenario.
Set goals, play it step by step and think of the possible outcomes
in the short, mid and long term.
At times it's best to cut your loses and move on but its
not easy and you are already aware of that.
x

Savvy_Sue

ConnieSwee said:

Hi TBagpuss, thanks for reading & replying. None of the bills or mortgage is in my name, we don't have any joint bank accounts either.  My partner does seem to be gearing up to sell the flat, as it stands he has told me that he's very likely to walk away with a bit of money for the sale - he's talked about putting that towards paying off rent on a new place for a while until he finds work or to put in to the purchase of a new place.  He has mentioned that if we did rent or buy a new place that it might all have to go in my name as his credit rating is so bad.  
Being totally honest, I would feel a bit defeated and angry if I had to go back to work while he didn't work & stayed home to look after the baby - he promised me he would work & support me - am I being very selfish & short sighted to not want to do that?  I also don't want to see him use any money he makes on the flat to live off - I'm afraid he would do that until it's all gone, as he did with the money he got from selling his van when he quit his job - he said he'd save that money for things for the baby but in the end used it to - as far as I know - pay off some debts & live off for a while.  I do think it was prudent of him to use that money to clear some debts but I disagree on using the money to live off instead of trying to find a job.
I realise that I must be coming across as uncaring about his mental health - it's just hard when you feel like you've been let down lots & it's so tiring to keep trying to help someone who won't let you.

The bits in bold:

Huge alarm bells ringing here. His credit rating is trashed, so let's put everything into your name. How long before he asks you to take out a loan or credit card in your name, to help him get on his feet? and then that's your credit rating trashed too. 

You may be being selfish - and that is not always a bad thing!. You are NOT being short-sighted. 

Finally, I would make that point to him: he is not yet ready to be helped. You are worn out from trying to do so. Either he lets you help, however bad it is, or you are out. 

I'd also talk to your midwife and ask what local support is available for debt counselling, and make her aware of the stress you are under. 

sallysaver

Hi,

I don't want to alarm you one little bit, but if, as you say, you don't think the mortgage has been paid since January 2020, I think you should urge him to open that pile of letters.  It's quite some time since I worked with mortgages but by missed payment 3, the wheels were put in motion for re-possession.  Of course, this has been an extraordinary year with Covid and I know Lenders have been giving extended payment holidays etc to help people out, but it will be awful for you if someone comes knocking at the door with that re-possession in hand.  Time won't be on your side.  I have done re-po's when the poor wife who knew nothing about the situation was at her wits end when the Bailiff and locksmith came knocking all because the letters had been ignored.  Burying his head in the sand will do no-one any favours.  I feel for you, it must be  difficult especially with a new born. 

AskAsk

sallysaver said:

Hi,

I don't want to alarm you one little bit, but if, as you say, you don't think the mortgage has been paid since January 2020, I think you should urge him to open that pile of letters.  It's quite some time since I worked with mortgages but by missed payment 3, the wheels were put in motion for re-possession.  Of course, this has been an extraordinary year with Covid and I know Lenders have been giving extended payment holidays etc to help people out, but it will be awful for you if someone comes knocking at the door with that re-possession in hand.  Time won't be on your side.  I have done re-po's when the poor wife who knew nothing about the situation was at her wits end when the Bailiff and locksmith came knocking all because the letters had been ignored.  Burying his head in the sand will do no-one any favours.  I feel for you, it must be  difficult especially with a new born. 

i think the repossession has not been done because of covid 19.  this article seem to state that the banks are not allowed to repossess at the moment
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/2020/08/13/repossessions-plunge-93pc-banks-banned-seizing-homes-coronavirus/

sallysaver

AskAsk said:

sallysaver said:

Hi,

I don't want to alarm you one little bit, but if, as you say, you don't think the mortgage has been paid since January 2020, I think you should urge him to open that pile of letters.  It's quite some time since I worked with mortgages but by missed payment 3, the wheels were put in motion for re-possession.  Of course, this has been an extraordinary year with Covid and I know Lenders have been giving extended payment holidays etc to help people out, but it will be awful for you if someone comes knocking at the door with that re-possession in hand.  Time won't be on your side.  I have done re-po's when the poor wife who knew nothing about the situation was at her wits end when the Bailiff and locksmith came knocking all because the letters had been ignored.  Burying his head in the sand will do no-one any favours.  I feel for you, it must be  difficult especially with a new born. 

i think the repossession has not been done because of covid 19.  this article seem to state that the banks are not allowed to repossess at the moment
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/2020/08/13/repossessions-plunge-93pc-banks-banned-seizing-homes-coronavirus/

I hadn't seen or read that article in the telegraph so thanks for that.  I just want Connieswee to be prepared.  If for instance, the mortgage payment was due the Jan 4 2020, followed by Feb 4 2020 and then March 4 2020, lockdown didn't happen until March 23, the first letter could well have been despatched and sitting in that 'pile of letters'!!!  And since he is still out of work, obviously funds will be limited.  What a dilemma to be in, in what should be one of the happiest times of their lives.  I sincerely hope things improve for them