First Steps to Solvency

JGB1955

You should be REALLY annoyed. If your wife wants to spend £45 on a frippery - she has to earn it.  She needs to have her own bank account and pay for her own 'wants'.  She obviously hasn't taken on board your 'streamlining ' message.

purplehippo276

Something that I have done is set up a pot for fun money, otherwise I found the debt journey wasn’t sustainable for me. I set aside £100 out of every pay, pop it in a Monzo pot, and every week pay myself £25 from it to do whatever I want to do with it. Once it’s gone, that’s it for the week. If I don’t spend it all, I either save it for the following week or use it to pay down debt. Perhaps going forward you could budget in some fun money for you and your wife - a sustainable amount that would give you both some freedom and fun? That way you wouldn’t resent her purchases? 

mark55man

it must be the day for it - unexpected payment to have meal with my nephew who was passing through.  My kids love to catch up as well so it was a little spendy.  Luckily I am flusher than usual this month due to repayments of earlier expenses.

I think that's the thing we all have to cope with its the balance between fixed and variable expenses.  My formula is salary - fixed = Disposable Income, over the years I know I spend on average so much for about a dozen categories and they are mainly consistent from month to month, what I dread is the truly unexpected as it doesn't take many to put you off or the month

QueenJess

purplehippo276 said:

Something that I have done is set up a pot for fun money, otherwise I found the debt journey wasn’t sustainable for me. I set aside £100 out of every pay, pop it in a Monzo pot, and every week pay myself £25 from it to do whatever I want to do with it. Once it’s gone, that’s it for the week. If I don’t spend it all, I either save it for the following week or use it to pay down debt. Perhaps going forward you could budget in some fun money for you and your wife - a sustainable amount that would give you both some freedom and fun? That way you wouldn’t resent her purchases? 

I agree.  If you make everything too tight and forget to live, you will just fall off the wagon.  Make sure you put an amount in your SOA you and your wife can spend (or save up) for things you like.  Tell her she can spend £x a month and even transfer it to her bank account if you want.  Then if she wants to use it on iPhone covers, then that's fine.

Also, regarding always wanting more, try looking at the other end of the spectrum to regain some perspective.  Look at some of the diaries on the debt board where people are paying down their debts living on very small amounts and also the mortgage-free wannabe board.  Perhaps also look into minimalism. 

I'm not saying you should buy into any of these lifestyles at all, but I personally find it helpful to see different perspectives and the extremes.  It may give you a bit of perspective into your own life and might enable you to be happier with what you have.

[Deleted User]

Unlike some on here you have the means to solve your debt issues fairly quickly. Sell the cars! Your main issues are not financial but your unhealthy attitudes towards possessions and the trappings of wealth. In an earlier post you mentioned enjoying time with your son walking the dog. I can assure you it will be times like that your son will fondly recall, rather than being driven around in an unpaid for Range Rover.

You need to read through some of the other diaries on these pages to get some perspective. I do not mean to be harsh, but I am not convinced you have had your genuine lightbulb moment. I wish you well nevertheless.

I am semi-retired (4 years to state pension) and even with  earnings from  occasional employment and my occupational pension I receive less than one third of your monthly  income. However, I manage to put aside a few hundred a month for annual bills, holidays and savings. I also feel I live quite well. My assets are far smaller than yours in total, but my net worth is greater as I have no debt. I own a medium sized SUV that I paid cash for and will keep for several years. Its just a piece of metal that efficiently gets me about and is economical too.

A loving family and genuine friendships never need to be proved with possessions and money.

Good luck!

enthusiasticsaver

alt80 said:

Trying to do this month’s spreadsheet and you could say it’s putting into context why I need to do this and change my mindset. I’m really struggling to budget for the rest of the month without using any credit. Not helping thinking like this but it’s shameful. Honestly think we are going to have to buy some food and that’s it for the next couple of weeks. No going anywhere and petrol only for business miles. Don’t want to spend through the money from the sales if we can help it. Lots of payments are still yet to come out - my direct debit list is a very long one I don’t think more than a day goes by without some payment for something. I knew it wasn’t great but tracking over lockdown with a load of payment holidays lulled me into a false sense of security about it.

Wife bought a new phone cover for her iPhone today £45 from Apple because she wanted something as she’s not getting an iPhone 12 and they are being launched today so thought she might as well have a new cover. I know it’s not the iPhone 12 she wanted but it’s still money we really don’t need to be spending at the moment. Not sure if I should be annoyed but I am.

Budgeting will be a work in progress for the first six months or so but yes I would be asking your wife to stop spending and given the conversations you have been having over the last week you should be annoyed.  My husband and I each have a monthly personal allowance for fun stuff, clothes, hair, hobbies etc and this goes in separate personal accounts.  Can you and your wife do this?  I know this will be difficult as you have both been used to spending without restrictions but as you say with the amount of outgoings you have there is little disposable income left to waste. So the £45 your wife spent on a phone case should really have gone towards food or other essentials.  You seem to both struggle with the difference between wants and needs so even after a gruelling meeting with an accountant she still splurges on something trivial. Very annoying. 

alt80

Would you recommend my wife and I have separate accounts?

On the positive she spent the £45 on a credit card and I sent a payment of the amount via the app this evening so it's not actually on credit. Small victory for me as I'd usually just forget about it wait until the bill arrived and pretend the minimum / just above is enough. Difficult evening generally. More personal financial security would lessen the day to day stress.

Open to the idea of monthly 'fun' spends pot for wife and I. September spends are very limited though - I really don't want to spend into the £960 made from selling goods or on credit. 

I have started to follow a few diaries on here. Some are quite humbling and I've had the 'if they can do it' thoughts. Not going to lie I often think I'd feel a lot better mentally if I didn't constantly chase stuff and feel my only worth is as a paycheque. Read to my son again tonight and dog walk. He's expecting I will become distant again soon.

@[Deleted User] I agree re my main issue - if I don't address that I'll be back again and again. Not the first time I've been in debt and actually not the most severe. I'm seeking professional help re my mindset.

I can't think of a time I've not felt I needed to prove myself to others with things. Not been the best husband / father I know that much and very few people I regard as friends rather than just associates.

mark55man

It's really tough, and can be a bit of a slog, but you have the right mindset - and your determination to succeed - as you have in other areas - will see you through.  You have just changed the aim of that determination from acquisition to solvency.  Good luck - we've all got your back, even if some of it is tough love

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

I can't think of a time I've not felt I needed to prove myself to others with things. Not been the best husband / father I know that much and very few people I regard as friends rather than just associates.

Unless you get to the root of that problem then you are going to be in a never ending cycle of debt.

QueenJess

alt80 said:

Would you recommend my wife and I have separate accounts?

That's quite a hard question to answer as it will depend on your relationship with your wife and your individual personalities.

Some people happily pool their finances together in one account and it works for them. Others just do bills through a common account and like to have their own spending money as they don't want to justify every little expenditure they make to their other half. I am personally on the latter category as I like to have as much independence as possible.

It's definitely worth thinking about if you are generally in charge of the finances and are doing most of the budgeting etc. If you think this will keep happening and you are going to get irritated anytime she spends, then it could be better to allocate her spending allowance straight to her own account. Then if she spends it all on stuff, you won't be worrying about it and perhaps more importantly it won't become a source for arguments.