Remortgage with telling husband about credit cards?

CC_Trouble

AlwaysWanderlusting said:

I saw your post before it got moved across and wondered whether you'd come across MyFrugalYear on Instagram.  She became known for anonymously sharing her story of paying off a fair whack of debt on a popular instamum platform the other year and has since released a book, but she's been sharing a lot of her journey on IG and you might find her approach and progress helpful/inspiring - alongside some of the threads on here. 

Definitely think a conversation with your husband will be necessary, regardless of what happens with your mortgage - so you can find a practical solution to getting the debt down and stop you from getting into this situation again (closing some cards sounds like it would be a really good idea) and working through those feelings you mentioned. I also echo other sentiments that it doesn't make sense for you to be paying half the bills when you're not anywhere close to earning what your husband does. That doesn't solve the issue but it would surely be a help.  

Oh my goodness! Just been reading her content and it does really resonate.
Hubby went out to get himself pizza for tea and is now eating, going to talk to him after. Feel physically sick! I don’t know what his reaction will be, but I hope it’s not to want to leave me. I am going to tell him and suggest we work through the figures tomorrow night (as I am exhausted and have had an upset tummy all day (no idea if it’s anxiety!)).

In some ways I am so glad that this catalyst has come up, it will be a relief to know that it’s out in the open, but at the same time I am so scared. Scared of his reaction, scared of the future and what this means for us and scared that even if I get out of this over the next couple of years I am destined to just repeat the same mistakes endlessly.

CC_Trouble

I have had the chat with my husband, he said he isn’t angry or even disappointed but just sad that I felt scared to talk to him and that I have left it to build up to this point.

He is happy for us to deal with it, or for me to speak to my Dad and he recognises that I needed more support (ie bills distribution and budgeting help).

I am exhausted so we have agreed that we will go through all the figures tomorrow and draw up a proper budget/way to overcome this.

I have asked for his help with actually going through my spending/bank statements etc monthly for the foreseeable - to both help me manage my outgoings and get a proper hold on them, and to help me hold myself to account.

Thanks for the comments from everyone. 

clairebeth

Hi,
I'm really glad you had the conversation.  Honesty is absolutely the most important thing in a relationship, I think. 

However - I also think fairness is extremely important, and I find your situation alarmingly unfair. 

Why do you keep your finances so separate? You are the mother if his children, soon to be on maternity leave.  He has serious responsibilities and he seems happy for you to carry the burden of providing for the household on a considerably smaller income. 

Perhaps there should be a change in mentality between you both and instead of 'his' income being £100k and 'your' income being £20k, it should be 'our' income is £120k.

I can't believe he thinks it's ok for your dad to help you out because he's not meeting his responsibilities as a father.  It's not your dad's responsibility - particularly when you as a family have the income to sort this out for yourselves.  

Could I suggest a joint Monzo account? You could budget for particular things like clothing and put a set amount in the 'clothing' pot each month. The same for any joint expenses (which is most of them when you have young children), like petrol, groceries, kids activities, babysitters, birthday and Christmas. 

Perhaps use the statement of affairs form to guide you in the things you BOTH need to budget for, then also create a realistic plan for paying off your debt.  

Set up direct debits/ standing orders for every payment and every savings account and get your money joint finances sorted out.

Would you think about having some further counselling? The feelings you're having about feeling inadequate sound awful, not to mention untrue. These are only likely to get worse postnatally, so perhaps try and get some help now. 

Does your husband know you feel that way? How does he help to reassure you that these things are untrue? If he doesn't do anything, perhaps relationship counselling would benefit you both? I must admit I've been reading this thread in horror, you can't go on living like this. 

All the very best to you. 

CC_Trouble

Thanks @clairebeth, I think that you are right and it’s partly my fault because I have let him believe that it’s all fine, he assumed if there was an issue again I would tell him & I didn’t.

i don’t think he realised the extent of my psychological state on this because I am such an expert at being ‘okay’.

He is an amazing husband & father, very hands on with our toddler and he buys all the big stuff for the family. Plus he does all the budgeting to take care of the main expenses. I take on expenses like kids clothing and groceries because I feel like I should not because I am under any pressure to do so.

Likewise re: telling my Dad, he says that’s my decision if it will help me keep on track but that we can deal with it ourselves. This is mostly an option because I put it there.

You are right though, we haven’t talked about money enough and our approach hasn’t been right, he freely admits that his lifestyle (he just buys what he wants when he wants it) must have made it harder for me and that what I don’t see is how he then factors that in over the next pay check. Difference being his c£4K a month net income versus my £1400...

I didn’t even have his salary right. It’s less than 6 figures but then he draws dividends (he is MD of his own company). 

I have woken up and now it’s playing on my mind! I definitely think I need more counselling because I am incapable of asking for help, not just for finance but for every type of emotional well-being. I am overweight and this is because I have compulsive tendencies (spending, eating etc) & a huge fear of failure. This has worked to my advantage in many ways (I have a successful career and I did a postgrad and masters part time whilst working full-time) but obviously the cons outweigh the pros.

The sudden loss of my Mum in 2018 didn’t help and I had counselling in 2019-2020 when I returned to work from maternity and realised that I wasn’t okay. 

ryanm8655

CC_Trouble said:

Thanks @clairebeth, I think that you are right and it’s partly my fault because I have let him believe that it’s all fine, he assumed if there was an issue again I would tell him & I didn’t.

i don’t think he realised the extent of my psychological state on this because I am such an expert at being ‘okay’.

He is an amazing husband & father, very hands on with our toddler and he buys all the big stuff for the family. Plus he does all the budgeting to take care of the main expenses. I take on expenses like kids clothing and groceries because I feel like I should not because I am under any pressure to do so.

Likewise re: telling my Dad, he says that’s my decision if it will help me keep on track but that we can deal with it ourselves. This is mostly an option because I put it there.

You are right though, we haven’t talked about money enough and our approach hasn’t been right, he freely admits that his lifestyle (he just buys what he wants when he wants it) must have made it harder for me and that what I don’t see is how he then factors that in over the next pay check. Difference being his c£4K a month net income versus my £1400...

I didn’t even have his salary right. It’s less than 6 figures but then he draws dividends (he is MD of his own company). 

I have woken up and now it’s playing on my mind! I definitely think I need more counselling because I am incapable of asking for help, not just for finance but for every type of emotional well-being. I am overweight and this is because I have compulsive tendencies (spending, eating etc) & a huge fear of failure. This has worked to my advantage in many ways (I have a successful career and I did a postgrad and masters part time whilst working full-time) but obviously the cons outweigh the pros.

The sudden loss of my Mum in 2018 didn’t help and I had counselling in 2019-2020 when I returned to work from maternity and realised that I wasn’t okay. 

So glad you had the conversation and so glad your husband understands that the issue is partly of his making.

Definitely go back to counselling. You sound like you’re under a huge amount of pressure and no doubt the pregnancy isn’t helping with that. You must still be reeling from the loss of your mother too. I had counselling once upon a time and remember there were things I was initially too ashamed to tell my counsellor. I got there eventually. If there are things you feel you can’t tell them then I’d suggest that you aren’t ready to finish. I actually tried 3 different counsellors as the first two were rubbish. The first one said “let’s not talk about the past, it’s happened, let’s focus on the future” Fortunately my gf at the time’s mum was a psychotherapist, so I knew a bit about how a good one should be...

Personally, I’d not involve your dad. But don’t beat yourself up. You are always going to struggle with only £100 a week to spend when you have a toddler. The finances should have been split far more fairly and to your husband‘s credit, he has acknowledged that. You need to bare in mind you’ve gone part time because you’ve taken on the role of caring for the kids and so your husband owes you for that.

IrishSean

clairebeth said:

Hi,
I'm really glad you had the conversation.  Honesty is absolutely the most important thing in a relationship, I think. 

However - I also think fairness is extremely important, and I find your situation alarmingly unfair. 

Why do you keep your finances so separate? You are the mother if his children, soon to be on maternity leave.  He has serious responsibilities and he seems happy for you to carry the burden of providing for the household on a considerably smaller income. 

Perhaps there should be a change in mentality between you both and instead of 'his' income being £100k and 'your' income being £20k, it should be 'our' income is £120k.

I can't believe he thinks it's ok for your dad to help you out because he's not meeting his responsibilities as a father.  It's not your dad's responsibility - particularly when you as a family have the income to sort this out for yourselves.  

Could I suggest a joint Monzo account? You could budget for particular things like clothing and put a set amount in the 'clothing' pot each month. The same for any joint expenses (which is most of them when you have young children), like petrol, groceries, kids activities, babysitters, birthday and Christmas. 

Perhaps use the statement of affairs form to guide you in the things you BOTH need to budget for, then also create a realistic plan for paying off your debt.  

Set up direct debits/ standing orders for every payment and every savings account and get your money joint finances sorted out.

Would you think about having some further counselling? The feelings you're having about feeling inadequate sound awful, not to mention untrue. These are only likely to get worse postnatally, so perhaps try and get some help now. 

Does your husband know you feel that way? How does he help to reassure you that these things are untrue? If he doesn't do anything, perhaps relationship counselling would benefit you both? I must admit I've been reading this thread in horror, you can't go on living like this. 

All the very best to you. 

Hi; I have to agree with this. It does seems very unfair you were left to manage a £100k lifestyle on your salary. It has a lot of echos of the '£50k in debt my life is in tatters' thread. At least in your case your husband is understanding & supportive. 

That aside, why you were left, in a marriage, with separate finances when you've had financial problems before is confusing. Surely your husband would want to pay pro-rata or at the very least have a budget & transparency where you covered essentials then had a 'personal spend' per month each on say a pre-paid card or basic bank account (no overdraft). 

Theres also scope to support each other by reviewing credit files together, paying off the mortgage, saving for the bigger things.

It's a rare occasion on this forum that the £20k is pretty in consequential; that'll be wiped by year end: it's the transparent management that's important especially if you're not coping (& you weren't either in terms of spending control or the amount you had to live on with a child).

I wonder is there a cultural or class aspect to some of these threads; 'my husband / spouse is the breadwinner, my spend covers me, household & the children, his salary is for the mortgage & then is his own'. (I'm not asking OP to reply, just a wider summation).

I hope all works out for the OP; the thread contains excellent advice. As I said on other threads I can't see any harm in OPs spouse reviewing replies for a better perspective. 

Sea_Shell

Glad you've been able to have the conversation and you can both get back on track.

I also think it strange that any partner should feel like they are having to "keep up with the Jones' " within a relationship.

CC_Trouble

I am from a middle class background (well my Dad was working class but made good and my Mum was very much upper middle class) and very traditional, never really discussed money in my upbringing and me and my sister are both rubbish with finances.

Its frightening (especially as a parent myself now) to think of the traits that you unintentionally inspire in your kids.  

Isitdoable

I just wanted to echo the other posters.  Finances and the way we deal with them are very much linked to self esteem, and I think this is your biggest problem.  

As a family, especially with children you really should discuss your finances very transparently and on a regular basis.  As well as day to day finances, surely there are long term goals you have as a family?  With disposable income you could be planning for early retirement, paying off your mortgage, lovely family experiences and holidays etc.  As the parents of (soon to be) two children, these should be joint goals.  Your contribution is also very much more than just financial so please don’t let that define you.

RAS

CC_Trouble said:

I am from a middle class background (well my Dad was working class but made good and my Mum was very much upper middle class) and very traditional, never really discussed money in my upbringing and me and my sister are both rubbish with finances.

Its frightening (especially as a parent myself now) to think of the traits that you unintentionally inspire in your kids.  

Before number 2 is born, take the initiative and suggest one session a month when the two of you look at finances together? Once you've a second child it might be several months before you feel up to it again but try to get get together every couple of months. No use if one of you wants a holiday of a life time and the other I'd hoping for a house move?