Parent incredibly unwell- not sure what to do!

Vickyh

Hi everyone.

My Dad has recently had a stroke, and is now in hospital on a ventilator (we have no way of know what the out come will be- apart from he will not be like he was before the stroke i.e able self care).  My mum is currently at home, visiting him almost daily. They are both in their late 70's, and own their own home. I live in a different, but joining county- visiting is over an hrs drive.  I am their only child.  
When he went into hospital (conscious) he had his belongings, once he was moved to intensive care- his phone was misplaced for 24hrs. I had to block his phone, and had resistance from his provider as i didn't have his security info (the matter was finally resolved and the phone was returned) but it highlighted that i didn't know anything of his affairs, despite requesting over the years.

I visited home today, and was able to go through and find a few bits- I know all bills are okay( direct debits), and his credit card bill will arrive in a few weeks which my mum is going to pay for him. How long can it stay like that? I can see his incomings are higher than outgoings.

I am incredible worried about him, my mum and what i need to do to support them both. 

What do i need to do? 
Their house is very unsuitable, a lot of work needs to be done if he needs to come home, i don't have finances myself to pay for a new bathroom for example.

Any advice is appreciated

onwards&upwards

First thing to do is sort out a power of attorney for your mum, to enable you to look after her affairs for her if need be.  I'm afraid it may be too late to do the same for your dad unless he recovers enough to make that decision himself and communicate it clearly.  

I'd say don't worry too much about the future just yet.  Your dad is still very early on in his journey and there is likely to be a very very long road ahead.  He won't be turfed out of hospital, a whole team of professionals will be involved in assessing his needs and the suitability of the home as part of the discharge planning process.  

If your dad doesn't recover enough to look after his own affairs, you and your mum may need to look at applying to become his deputy, but hold on for now and wait and see what happens, he is still in a very acute phase of the illness.  At the moment, everybody caring for him has a legal and professional duty to act in his best interests and as part of that they should be consulting you and your mum and any other close family members when decisions need to be made and keeping you informed at all times. 

The stroke association is a fabulous resource, and there is a helpline if you are struggling or need info/advice:  https://www.stroke.org.uk/finding-support/stroke-helpline

For help with the credit card, it might be worth posting on the credit card section of this forum, maybe freezing it would be a possibility but I don't know, that's not my area sorry.  There are knowledgeable people on the forum who will know what is possible. 

Keep_pedalling

If your mother and father have joint bank accounts then there should not be too much of an issue at the moment, but if not you should be looking to apply for deputyship through the courts. 

Savvy_Sue

Keep_pedalling said:

If your mother and father have joint bank accounts then there should not be too much of an issue at the moment, but if not you should be looking to apply for deputyship through the courts. 

Well yes and no. If they are joint accounts then it will be fine as long as the bank don't know Dad is incapacitated, and it will be fine after he dies (sorry to be brutal). However, if they discover that he is incapacitated, they can freeze the joint accounts to protect his interests. So right now, I wouldn't tell them. 

The same with the credit card: if the account is Dad's and Mum is a secondary cardholder, that can be problematic. But no problem with mum paying his bill - the credit card company won't care. 

You've already got some good news: incomings are higher than outgoings. 

I'm wondering if at least part of your worries are because Dad has always taken care of the finances and Mum has never had to? But as you say that she is going to pay his bill it can't be too extreme. 

Just take one step at a time: onwards&upwards is spot on. 

sheramber

Does your mother have access to money while your dad is not available?
Is th credit card in his sole name?  Is it somewhere safe so no one else can use it?
Are his bank cards/keys  safe for the same reason?

Vickyh

As far as i am aware, they have separate accounts. Mum has her own money and her own credit card. She also has more incomings than out goings.

I will enquire about his wallet, when I speak to her, I hadn't even thought of that. 

Thank you for all your help.