Need help not slipping further into debt.

Song

You can ask for your boys student finance to be assessed on your projected (reduced) income for this tax year not your previous higher income.  It is really simple to do, you just need to print off a form from their website, fill it in and send it off.  They will then ask for evidence of your income at the end of the tax year (in 2021) and adjust the payments if necessary.

Whatever happens though stop, take a deep breath and look for solutions.  It might not be easy but there is always a way forward.  Take care.

sarahsays

I agree you haven't screwed your family and they wouldn't be better off without you- in fact, I would guarantee that your family would be devastated without you - people are always more important than things - if you are allowing the present situation to distress you this much, perhaps you should be looking for medical help for depression or stress.  I also understand how important your home is to you and why you would do anything you could to save it.  The selling of your car is a fantastic start and will hopefully give you much needed breathing space.  I would also cancel all TV subscriptions - we don't watch TV at all in our house - I pay £8.99 per month to Netflix and one of my children has a student's free 6 month introductory subscription to Amazon Prime - I find there is plenty to watch between the two.  In fact, we haven't actually watched Netflix for a month or two so may temporarily opt out of that too. Don't worry too much about Christmas etc at this stage - it's a way away, or you could look for cheap bargains as and when.  I have one child who doesn't mind second-hand for things - like books and video games, especially as you get more for your money that way.  Likewise, DH is okay with secondhand tools etc.  You can do this!

sharpe106

The situation is still savable, you have not screwed your family. Yes some hard choices will need to be made, but you need to do it as a family. 

daisyfrau

Well done OP for posting. Your problem can be solved but only with big changes for ALL of you which will take some adjusting to. But it can be done - don’t give up hope.

As others above have pointed out you are overspending in some categories and you really can’t afford your sons maintenance costs right now - this is what is dragging you down. So put all your energy into getting this sorted ASAP via the form another poster has mentioned above. This is priority one. Don’t feel embarrassed - up and down the country there are countless other parents in the same position - you haven’t done anything wrong. 

The areas I’ve identified (prob all mentioned before):

Electricity is far too high - aim to halve. I know it’s a big house. You need to work out why it’s costing so much and nip it in bud. We worked out our boiler was hopelessly inefficient, not practical to replace as want to extend and would need to be moved at that point anyway, and so we now switch it off overnight. A right pain when we forget to switch on in the morning but our gas bill has dropped massively.  Saving £100

TV package - Netflix and Prime together would only cost £30. Saving £100

Groceries - far too high. Shop exclusively Aldi. Have this - Saving £250

Car maintenance - too low. Increase to £50. Extra cost £30

Bldg and Contentsinsurance - you need to drop this - difficult with an old house I know - but ideally halve this. Saving £20

Presents - cut to £0 and explain situation to kids. If you feel bad abt anyone send a card. Saving £150

Mobile phones - way too high - once off contract don’t upgrade phones and go PAYG. We pay £15pcm each and we never run out of data/minutes. For context, I work a client-facing job and since lockdown have to call clients on my own minutes - I have had no issues. Saving £40* 

Emergency fund - you need one urgently. Extra cost £100 pcm

Adding savings and costs together you could save abt £530pcm. But it’s not enough - you don’t just need to break even you need extra money to start paying down your debts. this is why you need to stop contributing to sons’ maintenance. You simply can’t afford it since your circumstances changed.

With the ongoing business expenses you need to decide what to do about your business. What is your line of work? Is it likely to recover post-lockdown? Not a decision to make right now, but you do need to decide in the next few months as if it won’t recover you need to cut your losses.

Finally - I do hear your concerns about your sons. But as a parent, you are preparing them to be independent and self-sufficient. I understand they can’t pay their own maintenance but why do you have to? Couldn’t they take a bank loan to top up maintenance (Student loan)? It’s not ideal but they’d hardly be alone in that. I appreciate they have special needs but what would they do in the future if they needed money and you guys weren’t there? You are the one who has to prepare them for this. They should be exploring jobs whilst they have the security of home - you may be surprised to learn there are many, many folks with ASD who can cope with stacking shelves jobs esp at night and not client-facing. If doesn’t matter if they try and fail/a particular job doesn’t work out but they should keep trying diff jobs. They will find something. What are they studying - could they find temp work/term-time work in that field? As adults they absolutely need to be paying some things themselves - Eg their mobiles, their entertainment, their travel, etc. This is a skill that can’t be taught but learning to do what it takes to survive without turning to mum and dad will stand them in very good stead.

If it helps to know, I grew up extremely privileged in a 3rd world country. Think multiple homes, swimming pools, servants compounds.
But that relative wealth meant nothing when I got scholarship to a top uni in the US - our currency was peanuts compared to USD, and uni is NOT cheap in the States. So, in college, I accepted my lot and I cleaned toilets of my dorm mates in uni. It sucked, oh yes, but it paid bloody well - the best-paying job on campus by far - and I graduated with my Ivy League degree with the rest of them. I learnt amazing time-management - having to fit studies around job. And excellent money mgt - I was at every free-food-providing mixer going. Saved enough to go on holidays abroad in fact - wanted to explore world anyway, and also wanted to fit in/travel with my privileged peers whose parents were bankrolling them. More than half of the student body was on financial aid so I was hardly alone. Appreciated every dollar I had so much more. Worked bloody hard academically to make sure menial work wasn’t my future. Got a couple of academic prizes in fact. Working in uni didn’t stop me getting into Oxbridge for grad school either - made me super-determined and resilient and I have not looked back. I now work a highly respectable job but I know that I am not above working in McDs if push came to shove. I am happy to take on extra work in my job from time to time to boost savings buy treats. It’s not easy, but think of the valuable life skills you are giving them, and the peace of mind that they will cope without you when you die.

You’re in the right place - the changes will sting but you will get to stay in your house - if that’s the right thing and you really do need to ask yourself this - and also start to pay down your debts. And you will be equipping your sons well for their futures.

I hope you can see that there is way out of this - hold your head up high.

[Deleted User]

Happy_Sloth said:

Lover_of_Lycra said:

Happy_Sloth said:

Lover_of_Lycra said:

Happy_Sloth said:

Lover_of_Lycra said:

I don't often say this but would you not be better off selling the house and moving into rented.  It sounds like an albatross around your neck and you don't even seem to enjoy living in it.  I know some people like the challenge of doing up dilapidated properties but yours still seems to need a lot of work and you don't have the money to do it.  Get rid and start afresh.

I intend to die in this house,  selling it would kill me.  Yes it's a burden and it's hard when i can't afford to pay the bills or pay for the work it needs, but i do love this house... it does make me happy.

i'm still hoping this financial blip is temporary,  it was caused by coronovirus, it can't last forever. 

i''ve never been out of work before and i've always earned a good living.  I'm clinging to hope when the market pick's up things will get better and i'll either return to my business or i'll at least find a job where my skillset is utilized.  Before Covid i earned a good living. Right now im doing a job that could have done blind folded 10 years ago.   

I'm doing it, because now is not the time for pride.   While i could sit on my butt and wait for a job that pay's what I normally earn, that might not happen for a while. So i've taken a temporary Job with a massive pay cut  ... because I have bills that need paying today and paying some of them is better than paying none on them.  I need to survive this storm so this job is simply what i need to do for now. 

Perhaps im naïve but i have to believe i can keep this house... because despite it's issues i wake up in my bedroom every morning feeling blessed and losing it would literally kill me... We are in this mess because i wanted to set up my own business and my business was very profitable for 4 years, it fell apart because of Covid. If we lose this house because of decisions I've made then honestly my family would be better off without me.

I need to get us through this somehow..... I got us into this mess i need to get us out of it. 

It’s easy to blame covid for the situation but the reality is that you were already walking a
financial tightrope before covid came along. 

You won’t sell the house. You can’t afford to meet your repayments. You can’t afford to subsidise your sons at university but apparently they can’t get jobs. How do you see yourselves resolving this situation? 

i know this is my fault. 

Great so what are you going to do about it? Every suggestion people make you have an excuse for not being able to do. You have less coming in than you have going out and the house needs some serious repairs by the sounds of it. What practical steps are you willing to take to resolve this? Would you consider a debt management plan where you only make token payments to your unsecured creditors? Would you live without a car? Could  the boys be looking into additional grants, bursaries or get the SLC to reassess their applications based on your current income? 

cancel my phone
sell my car 
sell some family jewellery i have.
close my business  
get a 2nd job 
get a 3rd job if needed. 

I guess i was just hoping the situation was saveable without going to extremes. at least i've got it in perspective now... i have actually screwed my family and they would be better off without me. 

Feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to help.  You're not the first family to be in debt and you won't be the last.  There is still time for you to get in front of this to take control of the situation.  You've been given some great suggestions on areas of your budget you can cut down and it's maybe time to sit down and work out exactly how much it's going to cost to get the essential repairs done on in the house.

You really need to get your sons up to speed on the situation.  You might think you are shielding them but the reality is that come September you simply won't be able to afford to help them financially as much as you would like.  Better they know this now when there is still time for them to try and do something about it rather than dropping the bombshell at the last minute. 

kimwp

If your income went back up to pre-covid levels, what would your planned expenditure be? It seems like you don't really want to reduce your spend to save face, but you have a large amount of existing debt and also a large amount of future spend to get the house in a more livable condition. Even with your previous higher income, you were in debt, had future spend that you hadn't got the money for, yet your discretionary spend (presents, TV etc) was very high, so your earnings going back up will ease your situation, but won't be the solution to your problems you seem to think it will be - you will still need to reduce your spending to avoid more and more debt.

Are you looking for a temporary solution to tide you over to return to your pre-covid situation or have you realised (LBM) that your pre-covid spend behaviour was pushing you away from your goal of a beautiful comfortable home?

zwilcoxen

Happy_Sloth said:

The boys are not completely naive they know we are financially struggling, i'm just trying not to worry them with it by letting them know how bad it is.  I know i might not be able to give them money when they go back to university and it honestly terrifies me to think they might have to try and live off the mininum loan without a contribution from me.  My contribution is supposed to be £4000 a year per boy..  even giving them the £200 a month. Which is what my eldest got last year, that's still not the £4000 i'm supposed to provide.  

I've re-done the SOA without the christmas prezzys and without the contribution to the boy's and i still can't meet my bills and debt repayments.  

In terms of the boys getting jobs that might be tricky, i don't want to make them sound entitled but they both have ASD that effects them in different ways.  Neither would cope in the job's that are currently likely to be available with no experience. 

The current situation is difficult enough for them both, my youngest has shut down completely and now getting him out of bed alone is a struggle.  I need to be focusing on getting him into University without melting down not adding additional stress by asking him to get a job. 

The Eldest had a job that he was supposed to start in June but they withdrew the offer, again he has special needs and i'm not sure there are many jobs available that are suitable because he has sensory problems. 

Sadly i can't just send either of them off to stack shelves or work on a till and there are very few jobs out there, nevermind ones willing to take on young men with no experience and special needs. 

Hey Happy,
First off, Heads up.
You have your health and your family's health.
With that in mind if your income has changed due to Covid I believe the student loans can be re assessed based on your new incomes. This may not be a massive help but it could give your children slightly more money and make them a little less dependant (Double Win).

I totally get that they may not be many suitable jobs out there for them. Having a frank discussion with them may be helpful, You have said they know you are struggling so they most likely know there are issues anyway. Rather than a paying job is there any renovation they can help with that will make the house more efficient or just get them out of their rooms.

Does the other half now about the extent of the issues?. You said he is on Furlough. Maybe he could pickup a temporary job to help bolster the finances (Stacking shelves may not pay much but it may help make ends meet). It may also provide a cushion if he is laid off his current employer.

Your SoA suggests you are currently still in the interest free period on your credit cards, While not ideal as long as you are not paying the 19-40% APR interest just keep paying what you can and if the interest free period is ending be sure to try the credit card shuffle to get as much interest free as possible.

Your Satellite / cable bill looks high, if you are with sky or virgin and out of contract see if you can split the services up or get a cheaper deal.  Personally I always find the bills easier to manage when you see the breakdown. also makes it harder for one provider to sneak up the charges on a combined bill (used to pay £110 for sky package, now pay £50 sky for tv and £24 plusnet for internet and phone). I know it may not look much but it soon adds up.

You have mentioned in your posts that you are not currently spending 500 on food, 400 on your children or 150 on presents. try re doing the SoA but make one one based on your current outgoings (not the one from the before times) it may look slightly better and give you an idea where you can cut back based on where your current expenses are and show how to pay the bills.

From my experience I would say try to pay off one of the credit cards first, then use this as your emergency card and leave it in a cupboard (be sure to unlink it from ebay, amazon, apple pay ect) having an emergency fund sounds great but you are better paying of the credit cards than saving any money. After all credit cards can be used in an emergency. see repay debts or save on the main MSE site.

With regards to your business, Not being sure what it is this is only generic but are you in a position to be able to provide any "direct to customer" or end user services during Covid? (I have seen events companies offering Friday night home bbq meals delivered, sports and fitness instructors coaching over zoom)

Hope this helps and keep your chin up.

PurpleFairy26

Happy Sloth - you have posted twice your family would be better off without you if you can’t resolve this. Please seek help from Samaritans or a similar organisation if you are having suicidal thoughts. 

There has been some really good advice on this thread particularly about getting university funding reassessed. I would do that as a first step. Secondly, go through and identify which things need to be cut I.e. electricity. Switch to paying the actual bill each month rather than a DD. One reason why you need to sit with your sons and partner and discuss the situation (to whichever extent you want to) is so you can discuss how you can cut this and all be on board with it to see the sort of cuts you need. 

The idea of a camping shower is a good one. 

There won’t be any big inroads in the short term but lots of small steps, cutting shopping, electric, changing university funding etc will all help towards reshaping your SOA. Then an increase in income is next on the agenda. 

Can your sons not be signing up to surveys and do these online at home to fund their phone bills? 

Narola1976

I agree with all the suggestions offered, but in terms of your children, there are I think ASD organisations that could assist with employment related guidance and advice and possibly even job opportunities suitable for them. The reality is that whatever they plan to study at uni, the aim is obviously to qualify and get a job. They will have to engage with people and take responsibility for their work one day and so the skill set must be developed now so that they have a foundation on which to build. It’s all part of preparing them for independence. I know you have so much on your plate but the solution isn’t going to be just one thing. Lots of small things together can make a real difference. I wish you well.

tugrin

Please, please Happy DO NOT think you family would be better off without you. I have known two families where a mother made this appalling choice and NOTHING in this world is worse for a child than to lose a parent especially because of money worries. I thought I would die in my dream house in my dream village and was devastated when things didn't work out and basically put my kids through a difficult time BUT my god they have grown up into young adults who are extremely savvy and careful with their money and who totally understand the misery of debt so neither have credit cards.
I had to sell and move somewhere I would never have chosen in a million years but last week as I was sitting in my garden and listening to the birds singing I was actually able to feel happy with my current situation and look back at my stubbornness over the previous house as laughably ridiculous. Your boys need you to be strong and make challenging decisions - I wasn't able to pay a penny towards my daughters university costs and she managed looks back at the experience as a blessing that put her on a realistic path in life and is glad she is not an entitled millennial-type.
You will get through this but do not discount ANY path that will lead you out of your current situation.
xxxxx