Splitting the bills when separating.

robowen

We've been married 25years and are now separating after I found out about her affair.
Our plan is to stay in the house for 18months to let the youngest son finish school but live separately.
The arguments have started about finances now.
Her part time wage is the same as my full time wage and she has options to do more hours and weekend work at ridiculous hourly rates.
Our initial agreement was to both put 80% of our wages into the joint account for the bills.  The 20% goes to our own private account.
Now she wants to put the same money as me in the pot and keep all the extra she gets for herself.
I know for a fact that if I earnt 100grand and she was part time at 30grand she would want me to put in more money.
Now the boot is on the other foot and she wants to keep it for herself. Despite the fact that over the years I've done so much overtime and call outs, and extra weekend work myself and this money has gone into the house. I didn't pocket any of that money.
Equality in my opinion is 80% of our wage each. Her 20% is worth more than mine anyway.
I know some won't agree with me for thinking she's out of order.   
If we were students house sharing we'd pay the same I get that , but effectively we're still married, still got kids, still got dogs and a mortgage to pay. There's barely enough money in the account each week as it is without her stealing more.

Comms69

Surely just split the bills 50/50 when the time comes to paying them? I appreciate this will leave you with less, but ultimately staying together for 18 months is going to be difficult (if not impossible) without arguing about a small amount of finances too.

robowen

50/50 isn't fair.  I've put my share in over the years.  She was happy to split the 20grand my mum gave us when mum sold her house.  Last month her mum sent her 10grand and she kept all of it.
I dont care about causing her any misery after what she's put me through with the humiliation of her affair, now she wants to financially ruin me too.

Comms69

robowen said:

50/50 isn't fair.  I've put my share in over the years.  She was happy to split the 20grand my mum gave us when mum sold her house.  Last month her mum sent her 10grand and she kept all of it.
I dont care about causing her any misery after what she's put me through with the humiliation of her affair, now she wants to financially ruin me too.

Then dont live there for 18 months. Because trust me it'll be worse.

swingaloo

You cant have it both ways. You are either 'still married' or 'separated but house sharing for 18 months'. If you are both going your own way and dissolving the relationship then it follows that your finances should be separate. What has happened re money in the past is irrelevant if you are now just 2 people sharing a roof until one of you moves out or you sell. 50/50 is the only way forward unless you want to spend the next 18 months living in a battle ground which would be terrible for your children.  You say you don't care about causing her any misery but what about the effect that will have on the children.  How is her paying 50% of the costs 'Trying to financially ruin me'?
As long as she is paying an equal share of the household costs how is she 'stealing. 
You are separating so you need to get used to seeing money as 'yours' and 'hers' rather than 'ours' as if you were still a couple.
If you cant reach any agreement now, once you start to divorce the realisation that both of you are going to be much worse off financially  is going be a massive shock.
I sense from your post that there is a lot of bitterness, perhaps understandably at the moment but if you are going to live under the same roof successfully for the next 18 months its going to take some work on both your parts. Would it not be better to make the break now, especially if there is another man on the scene or either of you want to develop a separate social life from the other.

Spendless

I'm guessing you've got a son coming up GCSEs or A levels next year and want to stay in the family home until he starts further/higher education or working?
I can understand why you believe this would be better, but would it really, with arguments over finances already starting and another bloke in your ex's life?

Fireflyaway

If you are separating I think you need to work out a plan going forward and not keep looking back. Obviously that's really hard when emotions are involved. You must be angry if you have been betrayed and feel she has been unfair with finances but that's been and gone, even if it is still recent. You are planning to live as 2 separate people so I think 50% each is the only way. If you are essentially living as house sharers why would it be any other way? You need to cover the costs equally. However much each of you has after bills is nothing to do with the other. In fact just splitting equally shows her you don't care. You can manage perfectly fine without her money. Don't give her the satisfaction of her feeling you need her or her money. 
Personally I'd just move out. Get yourself a nice comfy flat and then your bills will be cheaper. You don't have to live with someone who cheated on you and it might well be better for your son to get used to the new situation rather than him know you are unhappy and one day the break up and house sale is going to happen. That feeling of limbo isn't good for anyone. 
Final point is, there is no reason to feel humiliated. If your wife cheated, that says a whole lot about her morals not yours. 

Mojisola

robowen said:

We've been married 25years and are now separating after I found out about her affair.
Our plan is to stay in the house for 18months to let the youngest son finish school but live separately.
The arguments have started about finances now.

It's rarely a good environment for children to be in a household where the parents no longer want to be together.

Imagine how stressful it will be for your son - feeling torn between the two of you, not wanting to take sides but stuck in the house with rows going on.

I agree with the other comments - move out now and give him two spaces to spend time with his parents without being affected by the emotional fall-out of their break-up.