My in-laws collision course with bankruptcy

Pollycat

EimearF said:

I am really confused by people's reaction here. They arent asking for help because they had no idea they needed it! Without the OP's 'intrusion' they wouldnt even know they were going to have a balloon payment on their car. 

Its very easy to write it off as 'they are adults making their own decisions' but without someone guiding you sometimes people dont have the information needed to make an informed decision. Not everyone is on this site and has a full grasp of what exactly they have got themselves in to. 

I would not sit idly by while my inlaws got into trouble through ignorance. The OP has done the right thing by showing them were they are at and offering to get payments set up etc. 

But now the OP's partner's Mum knows that they (probably) need help but seems pretty clear she doesn't want it.

That's basically the gist of the replies.

The Mum seems not to want guidance.

These in-laws may want the OP to 'sit idly by' after they have explained things and exposed their ignorance.

This appears to be the situation here.

And until both are prepared to listen and take advice, there's nothing to be done.

So, yes, the OP most definitely has done the right thing.

But can't - and shouldn't - make them listen and take that advice.

So you really shouldn't be confused about the replies.

Personally, I think the thread title is pretty rude.

And if someone told me I was insane for getting in a financial mess, I'd probably tell them where to go with their advice and help.

Superfuse

@Galloglass

Thank you, that’s very helpful. I will read the factsheet and present it to the in-laws if an appropriate opportunity presents itself.

@monetxchange

The reason I called them insane in the title is because they work every hour god sends only to waste a large proportion of their pay. However, I admit that it is a little harsh as they are largely unaware of how much money they are wasting.

Thank you for the advice. I’ve managed to lower a few bills which I think has gained me some trust.

I don’t think passing judgment will be an issue. I just want to help them improve their financial position and avoid bankruptcy which I imagine would be traumatic for everyone.

Inheritance is not an issue. I mentioned it in my post as the Mother is relying on the death of her mother to pay off some of her debts. I don’t consider this a very wise policy. Thankfully she’s pretty healthy.

Thank you

@Disjoint

Agreed, I’m proceeding carefully when there is appetite for me to do so. I’m not sure how far I will get. I can just imagine the experiences you’ve had with the FIL!

I will try to avoid informing brother of debts unless it’s unavoidable. But the strategy of getting him involved is something we have discussed. I don’t want to apply pressure or be controlling. To slowly win them round may be the way forward.

Thank you and good luck with the house!

@Lover_of_Lycra

Yes, they’ve asked me to sort a few things. Set up internet banking for their joint current account and a few other things. This is how I’ve gained a greater understanding of their financial position. I think that was probably as much involvement as mother wanted though. Father seems quite happy for us to explore his bills etc. Unfortunately, they have a joint bank account so we can’t really help very much without mother’s approval.

I agree about the RTB. They probably wouldn’t benefit.

Thank you

@Catsacor

Thank you for describing the potential timeline. It’s interesting to hear how it will probably play out. I’m still unsure if mother is intentionally choosing this path and if father is blissfully unaware (or was until Sunday). The debt is loaded more against father. His experience at a later point will probably be different to her.

@EimearF

Thank you for your message. I’m trying to remain approachable, positive and friendly so that they may eventually decide that I’m useful.

@Ryanm8655

Agreed. I won’t push it too much. The last thing I want is to make myself unapproachable. I won’t assist with my own money. That’s an interesting point you make about your family members whom perhaps have also got the work/play balance not quite right.

Thank you

@KxMx

Thank you for the tip. Directing them to a charity may be a more attractive way forwards. They are no doubt more qualified than myself too.

@Luxor4t

Agreed. We’re going to be fairly limited in how much we can help unless they both voluntarily want to co-operate. Stepping back may well happen.

@Emmia

You’re probably right but it’s not really in my nature to watch bad things happen to people. I wonder if it will feel like my business when my partner has to watch her parents being made bankrupt.

Thank you.

Superfuse

@enthusiasticsaver

Agreed, I will not assist financially. Thank you for the advice.

@Pollycat

There are a lot of ‘I’ references because I’m better with a spreadsheet. Also, we’re conscious of ganging up on them  so it’s generally me that has been discussing things with them. My partner and I have been discussing it all. We both want to see the situation improve. Her parents appear more willing to discuss things with me.

Agree with your point. Thank you

@molerat

Indeed, financial distancing!

@Accountant_Kerry

I’m not really doing it for thanks. But yes, I may well back off.

@Sea_Shell

That’s concerning!

@pickledonionspaceraider

I fear you may be right. Thank you

@elsien

Sound advice. Although they are not in the best of health. Mother is also deaf which makes things harder for her. I think this is partly why she is not a massive fan of accepting assistance with anything. Thank you

@whizzywoo

Thank you. I will ensure that I’m not controlling at all. I wonder if more people than just them have to live with the consequences.

@EimearF

Thank you very much for your message. I feel a little less guilty!

@Pollycat

Thank you for summarising. I’ve changed the title. I just find it insane that people can graft for their whole life and not have anything to show for it. He has two jobs. She gets up regularly at 05:00 to work and is too exhausted to get off the sofa outside of work. And they have the prospect to trying to maintain that until they are physically unable to. Maybe its society that’s insane.

[Deleted User]

EimearF said:

I am really confused by people's reaction here. They arent asking for help because they had no idea they needed it! Without the OP's 'intrusion' they wouldnt even know they were going to have a balloon payment on their car. 

Its very easy to write it off as 'they are adults making their own decisions' but without someone guiding you sometimes people dont have the information needed to make an informed decision. Not everyone is on this site and has a full grasp of what exactly they have got themselves in to. 

I would not sit idly by while my inlaws got into trouble through ignorance. The OP has done the right thing by showing them were they are at and offering to get payments set up etc. 

I'm really confused about you poking your nose into your parents' finances. Firstly, why would you give unsolicited financial advice to anyone.  Secondly, you've previously said that your father still essentially gives you pocket money as an adult because he can afford to and likes to help so he must be doing ok with his finances if he can easily afford to sub you.

Superfuse

@Lover_of_Lycra

Indeed. We will probably not offer any more advice. Hopefully they'll come back to us at some point.

I'm not sure where you got the pocket money thing. That may be from another thread. My partner's father wouldn't know how to give anyone any money even if he wanted to.

Thank you

[Deleted User]

Superfuse said:

@Lover_of_Lycra

Indeed. We will probably not offer any more advice. Hopefully they'll come back to us at some point.

I'm not sure where you got the pocket money thing. That may be from another thread. My partner's father wouldn't know how to give anyone any money even if he wanted to.

Thank you

I wasn't replying you you, I was replying to another poster hence why I quoted them in my post.

EimearF

Lover_of_Lycra said:

EimearF said:

I am really confused by people's reaction here. They arent asking for help because they had no idea they needed it! Without the OP's 'intrusion' they wouldnt even know they were going to have a balloon payment on their car. 

Its very easy to write it off as 'they are adults making their own decisions' but without someone guiding you sometimes people dont have the information needed to make an informed decision. Not everyone is on this site and has a full grasp of what exactly they have got themselves in to. 

I would not sit idly by while my inlaws got into trouble through ignorance. The OP has done the right thing by showing them were they are at and offering to get payments set up etc. 

I'm really confused about you poking your nose into your parents' finances. Firstly, why would you give unsolicited financial advice to anyone.  Secondly, you've previously said that your father still essentially gives you pocket money as an adult because he can afford to and likes to help so he must be doing ok with his finances if he can easily afford to sub you.

Did I say my dad was in financial trouble? I said I wouldn’t sit by and let ignorance let any member of my family head toward financial ruin through ignorance. I’m not sure about you but I care about my family and my husbands family. Family give advice to each other and help where they can. People often don’t realise they are being stupid with their money. 

You can’t hold family down and force them to do what you want but you can push a bit to help them it’s not a casual acquaintance here. 

Why would a person go round advising people on the internet about their finances but not share this with family when you see they are in trouble? 

[Deleted User]

EimearF said:

Lover_of_Lycra said:

EimearF said:

I am really confused by people's reaction here. They arent asking for help because they had no idea they needed it! Without the OP's 'intrusion' they wouldnt even know they were going to have a balloon payment on their car. 

Its very easy to write it off as 'they are adults making their own decisions' but without someone guiding you sometimes people dont have the information needed to make an informed decision. Not everyone is on this site and has a full grasp of what exactly they have got themselves in to. 

I would not sit idly by while my inlaws got into trouble through ignorance. The OP has done the right thing by showing them were they are at and offering to get payments set up etc. 

I'm really confused about you poking your nose into your parents' finances. Firstly, why would you give unsolicited financial advice to anyone.  Secondly, you've previously said that your father still essentially gives you pocket money as an adult because he can afford to and likes to help so he must be doing ok with his finances if he can easily afford to sub you.

Did I say my dad was in financial trouble? I said I wouldn’t sit by and let ignorance let any member of my family head toward financial ruin through ignorance. I’m not sure about you but I care about my family and my husbands family. Family give advice to each other and help where they can. People often don’t realise they are being stupid with their money. 

You can’t hold family down and force them to do what you want but you can push a bit to help them it’s not a casual acquaintance here. 

Why would a person go round advising people on the internet about their finances but not share this with family when you see they are in trouble? 

The people on the internet are asking for advice, that's the difference.  Your parents purposely bought insurance when you weren't present so that you couldn't poke your nose in but you still didn't take the hint.  Your parents are well off enough to subsidise you so I struggle to understand why you would continue with the unsolicited financial advice when they are clearly in a comfortable financial position.

Do I agree with all the financial decisions that my family make?  No and they don't necessarily agree with mine but we do not interfere in each other's financial affairs.  When my mum asked for help getting a better broadband deal I was happy to help but I'm not going to force my way into their finances dishing out advice when it has not been requested because I sure as hell wouldn't want anyone doing that to me.  That doesn't mean I do not care about my family, far from it, it's just that I respect boundaries.

EimearF

Lover_of_Lycra said:

EimearF said:

Lover_of_Lycra said:

EimearF said:

I am really confused by people's reaction here. They arent asking for help because they had no idea they needed it! Without the OP's 'intrusion' they wouldnt even know they were going to have a balloon payment on their car. 

Its very easy to write it off as 'they are adults making their own decisions' but without someone guiding you sometimes people dont have the information needed to make an informed decision. Not everyone is on this site and has a full grasp of what exactly they have got themselves in to. 

I would not sit idly by while my inlaws got into trouble through ignorance. The OP has done the right thing by showing them were they are at and offering to get payments set up etc. 

I'm really confused about you poking your nose into your parents' finances. Firstly, why would you give unsolicited financial advice to anyone.  Secondly, you've previously said that your father still essentially gives you pocket money as an adult because he can afford to and likes to help so he must be doing ok with his finances if he can easily afford to sub you.

Did I say my dad was in financial trouble? I said I wouldn’t sit by and let ignorance let any member of my family head toward financial ruin through ignorance. I’m not sure about you but I care about my family and my husbands family. Family give advice to each other and help where they can. People often don’t realise they are being stupid with their money. 

You can’t hold family down and force them to do what you want but you can push a bit to help them it’s not a casual acquaintance here. 

Why would a person go round advising people on the internet about their finances but not share this with family when you see they are in trouble? 

The people on the internet are asking for advice, that's the difference.  Your parents purposely bought insurance when you weren't present so that you couldn't poke your nose in but you still didn't take the hint.  Your parents are well off enough to subsidise you so I struggle to understand why you would continue with the unsolicited financial advice when they are clearly in a comfortable financial position.

Do I agree with all the financial decisions that my family make?  No and they don't necessarily agree with mine but we do not interfere in each other's financial affairs.  When my mum asked for help getting a better broadband deal I was happy to help but I'm not going to force my way into their finances dishing out advice when it has not been requested because I sure as hell wouldn't want anyone doing that to me.  That doesn't mean I do not care about my family, far from it, it's just that I respect boundaries.

My parents now listen to me and save a fortune. They didnt realise they were being ripped off with insurance, internet packages, phone bills, crap savings accounts etc. Should I ignore attempted scamming too? You know seeing as they didnt specifically ask for help with that and can afford to be scammed out of a few grand?? 
You are dishing out personal advice that wasnt requested. How other people interact with their families is none of your business, so perhaps instead of telling me to butt out of my family's lives you should butt out of other peoples families' lives.
The OP asked for advice about how to help them - abandon them to their fate is pretty rubbish advice to be honest and I was confused as to why it seemed to be the prevailing advice on the thread. 

sourcrates

Lets keep it nice and on topic ladies and gents please, thank you very much .