My in-laws collision course with bankruptcy

enthusiasticsaver

I think, frustrating as it is you should take a step back unless they ask you for help. For goodness sake don't guarantee loans, debts etc and put all thoughts of RTB out of your head. They are too old and financially disorganised to take on any mortgage and should they fall ill which is a real possibility as they get older getting help with a mortgage through benefits is not easy. I think sadly too many people go through life thinking some inheritance or windfall will sort their retirement and debt out but the likelihood is it will go in care home fees particularly if the grandmother has same approach to finances. 

At at some point they will probably need to take on some DMP or even go bankrupt. The car is something they will need to deal with when the balloon payment due. You have warned them at least. 

Pollycat

There's lots of 'I' references in your original post but what does your partner - the daughter of these 2 people - think?

As for helping them - you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. If your partner's Mother doesn't want your help (she may see it as interference) there's little you can do.

molerat

If they are not willing to listen then just keep a financial distance so you don't get hit by the fallout when the doodoo eventually hits the fan.

Accountant_Kerry

This is none of your business, you wont be thanked for your advice or help, keep out of it. 

Sea_Shell

molerat said:

If they are not willing to listen then just keep a financial distance so you don't get hit by the fallout when the doodoo eventually hits the fan.

This ^^^

I've tried to nudge family towards managing their money better and they won't engage with the process.

So they'd better not be round with the hat!!

pickledonionspaceraider

These are two people who have lived like this for decades
They are not asking you for your help
They are not thanking you for the intrusion
In my life, I have tried to help people, even family members, to avoid what is an obvious collision course.  And unless they specifically ask for help - forcing help upon them is like bashing your head against a brick wall

Unrequested help is an intrusion.  That is how people see it.  I know you feel you know better, but they have got through life like this so far, and it is NOT your problem

elsien

It is their decision who they want told and what help they want. If they have not told your partner's brother, that is not your decision to make. 
They are 62 and 63. Not yet retirement age.  And unless they have some illness that affects capacity, fully functioning adults. Doing an ostrich impression doesn't mean they're not capable of sorting out the issues, it means that they (or at least mum) aren't at the point where they've hit rock bottom and have to make changes, Ask any number of people on here how long they avoided the issues until they had no choice.
I'd be furious if someone was trying to pressure me into sharing financial and online information unless I really wanted their help.
Give them the stepchange/national debtline information. Let them know you are there as and when. Let them get on with it till they ask. Debts aren't going to be written off just because they are older.
It's actually a good thing that they can't exercise their right to buy because at least they have a secure roof over their heads, not one that could potentially be lost to bankruptcy.

whizzywoo

You cannot control other people's lives. 
It's their choice and their right to live this way if they want to.  They will be the ones who have to live with the consequences. 

Do not bail them out.  Only help if asked but not by paying their debts or giving them money.

The only life you have control over is your own.  Start concentrating on you and let them get on with it.   You will all be a lot happier. 

EimearF

I am really confused by people's reaction here. They arent asking for help because they had no idea they needed it! Without the OP's 'intrusion' they wouldnt even know they were going to have a balloon payment on their car. 

Its very easy to write it off as 'they are adults making their own decisions' but without someone guiding you sometimes people dont have the information needed to make an informed decision. Not everyone is on this site and has a full grasp of what exactly they have got themselves in to. 

I would not sit idly by while my inlaws got into trouble through ignorance. The OP has done the right thing by showing them were they are at and offering to get payments set up etc. 

elsien

EimearF said:

I am really confused by people's reaction here. They arent asking for help because they had no idea they needed it! Without the OP's 'intrusion' they wouldnt even know they were going to have a balloon payment on their car. 

Its very easy to write it off as 'they are adults making their own decisions' but without someone guiding you sometimes people dont have the information needed to make an informed decision. Not everyone is on this site and has a full grasp of what exactly they have got themselves in to. 

I would not sit idly by while my inlaws got into trouble through ignorance. The OP has done the right thing by showing them were they are at and offering to get payments set up etc. 

Offering yes. If the dad wants to continue to get their help, that's fine. But it sounds like mum has been keeping things from him. And she is clearly resistant at the moment. That's where people are saying to give the relevant information and sources of support then back off. She may come round over time, but perceiving that people are interfering could make her dig her heels in more. 
You can lead a horse to water, and all that.