Leaving a 23 year marriage

cjj_2

Hi Everyone

I’ve been in an unhappy marriage for 20 years. If I’m honest it’s never been right but my love for my husband meant I turned a blind eye to things which later went on to fester. The main points were he was very selfish and was always out and left me to bring up our son single handed whilst also raising my 2 children from a previous marriage. At one point our Son was screaming as he thought his own Dad was a stranger and the hurt this whole situation caused me was at times unbearable. As I suffered from MH issues from childhood I got very good at painting on a smile and hiding my grief at being rejected and also the immense sense of sadness looking at other family’s and knowing what should of been. He played at being self employed and let tax credits and my ex husbands maintenance keep me & my children & always prioritised his beer ad cigarette needs over everything. For many, many years not one single penny was contributed to our family household even though he slept and sometimes ate meals there. Why did I live like this ? At first because I loved him so very much & then besides not having the funds to leave I desperately did not want to break up the family & hurt my children. 
I even took on his elderly Mum 24/7 whilst he continued to work to line his own pockets. 
Fast forward last summer when I told him it was over (the time finally seemed right). After 13 weeks of constant begging, pleading, suicide threats (slashing at wrists in front of our 21 year old Son) I u turned and decided I could not put him through the hurt......
2 weeks ago he started an argument over nothing, told me how low I’ve got him because I’m not the wife he would like me to be (as i am unable to let go of the past and I do not really like him let alone love him). And so there’s no longer any point me staying to make him happy because he isn’t happy & neither am I. Divorce papers were served last Summer & are just on hold. Where do I go from here ? I’ve a good job now but only do 15 hours so will look to increase on this. I don’t want to rent and blow thousands as I will definitely need it after the settlement as he has not been a great earner & I spent lots of years at home raising my family. He won’t leave and if it becomes toxic again I must leave quickly. My Son is coming with me & although grown up his contracts make it hard for him to get a mortgage & with no girlfriend on the horizon he is happy to kick around with me. I also have 2 rescue cats & a rescue puppy to think of. I would like to come to a financial arrangement before the divorce so I’m in a position to buy soon but that’s not possible or advisable is it ? Any advise gratefully received. Thanks in advance xx

HampshireH

I don't have anything helpful to add but....

Well done its very brave (albeit scary)   goodluck with it all. I wish you well

Martin_the_Unjust

In my experience following the breakup of a long marriage, one person tends to get on with a new life and ends up happier than they were and one tends to fester in regret and never moves on.

In my case it was as if a huge weight was lifted of my shoulders and I was in a much happier place almost immediately.

My ex was not physically violent to me but was very abusive in other ways.

It does get better.

MovingForwards

Sounds like my ex and my relationship was 20 years, all I ever know through adulthood was my married life.

Read up on:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism
and
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

Then get the hell out!

I started planning my new life, before exiting my old one, it took a while and was draining having my 'married' and 'single' life, but I had a few friends who knew and supported me with both sides, they celebrated the day my 'single life' became 'my life'.

It was easier for me as a few mates offered to let me bunk down with them, so I started to move things in to the one I picked then took the last of what I wanted and my furbaby, loaded up my car and never looked back.

I made the decision to walk away with nothing. I wanted no debate, no arguing, nothing drawn out when it came to the divorce. I walked away in debt, no job, enough money for shared rent / food for a few months knowing I would get a job, any job and carry on with my life.

3.5 years later, I'm debt free, just purchased my own home and have never been this happy in my life. 

As for my ex, he still buries his head in the sand, expects everything done for him, has ignored his debts and I could go on, but I've cut him out my life for a reason.

There are many of us who have started their life over, can't say I've ever read of someone regretting it!

Fireflyaway

My main comment is don't get too fixated on having to buy a house. Rent until you work out what your long term future is going to be like. You may decide to move to a different area or might be eligible for various housing initiatives. Your income might go up or you may be entitled to benefits. Don't make big decisions whilst you are still hurting emotionally. Wait for things to settle. I'm sorry this is happening. On the plus side it sounds as though you were pretty financially independent and did a good job with the kids! Good skills to have for this next chapter. Once the dust settles you can have a whole new life ahead. 

boxer234

Hello I left my marriage last year which was scary.  But thank god I did before lockdown.  Do you own your house ?  We sold ours and I now rent I will buy in the future but needed to get out quick.  I promise you will feel so much better having your own space you won’t care if you are renting / buying / living on a boat.  I know people say solicitors are a waste of money but I was struggling and mine has been amazing dealt with everything.  Good luck.  

cjj_2

Thankyou so much everyone I’m taking on board all your helpful advise xx