Had a really bad year, SOA, please be gentle

honeybee1234

KxMx said:

When he starts talking to you again... Block him your end. 
That way you won't be bothered by him unless you need to or want to speak to him. Take control! 

I told him I wasn't prepared to carry on with things as they are. Because that doesn't conform to him having power over me, he threatened to block me, obviously thinking I'd do what I normally do, which is to get upset and try and negotiate with him. But I just said "whatever". So he's blocked me, I'm going off radar and while it's hard, it's very necessary 😔

honeybee1234

ryanm8655 said:

honeybee1234 said:

ryanm8655 said:

Sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time but well done for coming here and seeking to do something about it.

You’ve received lots of great advice so I won’t weigh in too much but will be following.

Is the car in your name or your ex partners? Should they not be paying for the kids mobile phones?

You seem like a good hearted person but I also get the impression people take advantage. You need to focus on yourself rather than helping out others who don’t seem to help you that much.

Sorry to hear about the break up and the PIP outcome. 

The car is in my ex's name.

I only pay for one of the children's phones. It was my present for Christmas, the phone is bought outright, it's a pay monthly SIM. They're at the age we agreed they could have a phone, and as I'm not with them, I wanted them to have the phone so I can contact them directly. 

You're completely correct by the way ☺️ It's been a lifelong issue. I'm way too nice. It's contributed massively to my mental health issues. I'm focusing on me now - I have to. 

Re: the car - is it not his debt then? 
Re: the phone that's fair enough. Assume your partner is unwilling to pay?
While it's difficult cutting ties with an ex when you have kids, I certainly wouldn't be acting as their emotional crux/someone to abuse over the phone. But I'm sure you know this. I get the impression they've been controlling and abusive in the past and that's why you've left, so don't allow them to continue to do that where it can be avoided.
Did you supply your GP/Psychiatrists details on the PIP forms? It's really important that you are assessed based on your worst, so always answer questions based on that. 

The car is technically his debt, yes. We agreed I would take the car as he doesn't need it, it's in his name, and I would pay for it. We looked into changing names but IIRC this would have been difficult because it would need to be refinanced in my name and I'm not working so it was easier to keep it in his name. This ex is my husband who I left last year and things are amicable.

Just wanted to clarify - the abusive now-ex is NOT my husband who I'm separated from whose name is on the car. I have no children with my abusive ex. My husband who I'm separated from, we get on quite well. I have another ex who I mentioned in the original post, who is not either of these, from years ago, who is the father to the children I haven't seen in months after he took them. 

I supplied a stack of letters of appointment summaries from my psychiatrist for the PIP application. I also outlined clearly on the form that I have good days and bad days and how often this usually happens. I talked about it at the appointment. The assessor did ask specifically at one point, "but you are actually physically able to prepare a meal and you know how to do it?" so I said yes, and for that she's clearly gone on my cognitive knowledge rather than how my mental health affects both preparing and eating food. I also told her that on bad days I will simply not go out of the house to do things and I'll get someone else to do whatever needs doing. What she put in the report directly contradicts that. She said she'd read all the letters but clearly what the consultant psychiatrist has put in her notes about adhering to meds and my difficulties leaving the house aren't good enough 🤷‍♀️

ryanm8655

honeybee1234 said:

ryanm8655 said:

honeybee1234 said:

ryanm8655 said:

Sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time but well done for coming here and seeking to do something about it.

You’ve received lots of great advice so I won’t weigh in too much but will be following.

Is the car in your name or your ex partners? Should they not be paying for the kids mobile phones?

You seem like a good hearted person but I also get the impression people take advantage. You need to focus on yourself rather than helping out others who don’t seem to help you that much.

Sorry to hear about the break up and the PIP outcome. 

The car is in my ex's name.

I only pay for one of the children's phones. It was my present for Christmas, the phone is bought outright, it's a pay monthly SIM. They're at the age we agreed they could have a phone, and as I'm not with them, I wanted them to have the phone so I can contact them directly. 

You're completely correct by the way ☺️ It's been a lifelong issue. I'm way too nice. It's contributed massively to my mental health issues. I'm focusing on me now - I have to. 

Re: the car - is it not his debt then? 
Re: the phone that's fair enough. Assume your partner is unwilling to pay?
While it's difficult cutting ties with an ex when you have kids, I certainly wouldn't be acting as their emotional crux/someone to abuse over the phone. But I'm sure you know this. I get the impression they've been controlling and abusive in the past and that's why you've left, so don't allow them to continue to do that where it can be avoided.
Did you supply your GP/Psychiatrists details on the PIP forms? It's really important that you are assessed based on your worst, so always answer questions based on that. 

The car is technically his debt, yes. We agreed I would take the car as he doesn't need it, it's in his name, and I would pay for it. We looked into changing names but IIRC this would have been difficult because it would need to be refinanced in my name and I'm not working so it was easier to keep it in his name. This ex is my husband who I left last year and things are amicable.

Just wanted to clarify - the abusive now-ex is NOT my husband who I'm separated from whose name is on the car. I have no children with my abusive ex. My husband who I'm separated from, we get on quite well. I have another ex who I mentioned in the original post, who is not either of these, from years ago, who is the father to the children I haven't seen in months after he took them. 

I supplied a stack of letters of appointment summaries from my psychiatrist for the PIP application. I also outlined clearly on the form that I have good days and bad days and how often this usually happens. I talked about it at the appointment. The assessor did ask specifically at one point, "but you are actually physically able to prepare a meal and you know how to do it?" so I said yes, and for that she's clearly gone on my cognitive knowledge rather than how my mental health affects both preparing and eating food. I also told her that on bad days I will simply not go out of the house to do things and I'll get someone else to do whatever needs doing. What she put in the report directly contradicts that. She said she'd read all the letters but clearly what the consultant psychiatrist has put in her notes about adhering to meds and my difficulties leaving the house aren't good enough 🤷‍♀️

I see. Could you explain you’re having financial difficulties and hand the car back to him? It’s his credit rating that will be impacted if you can’t afford to pay, after all. Seems like the car would solve a number of the financial issues.

You’ll know this now but you really need to emphasise the bad and leave out the good with PIP assessments. Do appeal though.

honeybee1234

ryanm8655 said:

honeybee1234 said:

ryanm8655 said:

honeybee1234 said:

ryanm8655 said:

Sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time but well done for coming here and seeking to do something about it.

You’ve received lots of great advice so I won’t weigh in too much but will be following.

Is the car in your name or your ex partners? Should they not be paying for the kids mobile phones?

You seem like a good hearted person but I also get the impression people take advantage. You need to focus on yourself rather than helping out others who don’t seem to help you that much.

Sorry to hear about the break up and the PIP outcome. 

The car is in my ex's name.

I only pay for one of the children's phones. It was my present for Christmas, the phone is bought outright, it's a pay monthly SIM. They're at the age we agreed they could have a phone, and as I'm not with them, I wanted them to have the phone so I can contact them directly. 

You're completely correct by the way ☺️ It's been a lifelong issue. I'm way too nice. It's contributed massively to my mental health issues. I'm focusing on me now - I have to. 

Re: the car - is it not his debt then? 
Re: the phone that's fair enough. Assume your partner is unwilling to pay?
While it's difficult cutting ties with an ex when you have kids, I certainly wouldn't be acting as their emotional crux/someone to abuse over the phone. But I'm sure you know this. I get the impression they've been controlling and abusive in the past and that's why you've left, so don't allow them to continue to do that where it can be avoided.
Did you supply your GP/Psychiatrists details on the PIP forms? It's really important that you are assessed based on your worst, so always answer questions based on that. 

The car is technically his debt, yes. We agreed I would take the car as he doesn't need it, it's in his name, and I would pay for it. We looked into changing names but IIRC this would have been difficult because it would need to be refinanced in my name and I'm not working so it was easier to keep it in his name. This ex is my husband who I left last year and things are amicable.

Just wanted to clarify - the abusive now-ex is NOT my husband who I'm separated from whose name is on the car. I have no children with my abusive ex. My husband who I'm separated from, we get on quite well. I have another ex who I mentioned in the original post, who is not either of these, from years ago, who is the father to the children I haven't seen in months after he took them. 

I supplied a stack of letters of appointment summaries from my psychiatrist for the PIP application. I also outlined clearly on the form that I have good days and bad days and how often this usually happens. I talked about it at the appointment. The assessor did ask specifically at one point, "but you are actually physically able to prepare a meal and you know how to do it?" so I said yes, and for that she's clearly gone on my cognitive knowledge rather than how my mental health affects both preparing and eating food. I also told her that on bad days I will simply not go out of the house to do things and I'll get someone else to do whatever needs doing. What she put in the report directly contradicts that. She said she'd read all the letters but clearly what the consultant psychiatrist has put in her notes about adhering to meds and my difficulties leaving the house aren't good enough 🤷‍♀️

I see. Could you explain you’re having financial difficulties and hand the car back to him? It’s his credit rating that will be impacted if you can’t afford to pay, after all. Seems like the car would solve a number of the financial issues.

You’ll know this now but you really need to emphasise the bad and leave out the good with PIP assessments. Do appeal though.

I'm very aware that I don't want to screw up his credit rating. We looked into selling the car or giving it back to go to auction, but the likelihood is that there will be a considerable shortfall in either of these scenarios, which we would obviously have to pay back. So for now, I've kept it. It's obviously not ideal. The other thing is I have agoraphobia, and the car is my lifeline. Without it, I'd be pretty much housebound. I mentioned earlier, it doesn't have to be *that* car, but because I'm not working, I can't at the moment sort anything else.

It's hard to emphasise the bad when the assessor was asking direct questions about the good, if you see what I mean? For example, I explained that I struggle with being motivated to prepare food when I am bad, which is most of the time. If I don't have prompting, I will simply not make the food. But she was more interested in whether I had the actual knowledge of how to make the food. And obviously yes, I know how to do that. 

She asked me how often I shower and wash my hair. Once a week because I struggle with this. She started talking about how she hadn't washed her hair for 3 years and it's fine? Then the summary was a list of things she agreed I'd said I can do, disagreeing with what I said I need help with, and made up stuff I didn't say. 

I'm definitely going to go to mandatory reconsideration and appeal if necessary. Where's the best place to help with this? 

ryanm8655

There might be a section of this forum specifically for benefits/PIP.

honeybee1234

ryanm8655 said:

There might be a section of this forum specifically for benefits/PIP.

Found and posted, thanks!

Today has been productive. 

I have spoken to Argos, who were incredibly helpful and have frozen my account. Gives me some time to work things out further. 

I've contacted Virgin again and am awaiting a reply. 

I've contacted Next and they gave me an email address to contact, so awaiting a reply from them. 

Having trouble contacting Aqua to find out what my payment is due to be so will persevere with that. 

I think it may be too late to cancel the laptop payment for this month, and I can't find the phone number I had for them 😕

I've also thought I can ask Universal Credit to postpone my advance repayment in May. I've done this once before so I'm not sure if I can do it again, I'll see if I can find out tomorrow. 

At this point, I still am £118.24 short for the rest of the debt payments, plus whatever the Aqua payment will be. I have around £20 left in my account. I still need food for the rest of the month. Not going to lie, I'm panicking a bit 😱

ryanm8655

Good news about the payment holidays. If you can’t afford food then I think you really need to do something about the car. The debt is only going to get worse otherwise. I don’t mean to be harsh when saying that. I appreciate its your lifeline but it’s an expensive one. Your car is costing about £470 a month by my quick calculation and that’s without including maintenance. Rent plus car wipes out almost all of your monthly income. 

Have you explored the lodger option anymore? I know you can’t do anything about it right now but could send an email to the landlord for future reference. What’s stopping you moving somewhere cheaper? Again, I know right now you can’t but that’s what I’d be planning. There are plenty of landlords who will accept you if on benefits.

Is your SOA correct? Do you pay council tax if on benefits? Groceries also look high for one person who’s on a budget. Likewise internet. But the car and rent are the big problem. You’d be struggling even if you had no other debts.

Have you had any other thoughts on selling stuff on eBay? Check out completed listings to see what things are worth and plough the earnings into debts (less seller and PayPal fees).

honeybee1234

ryanm8655 said:

Good news about the payment holidays. If you can’t afford food then I think you really need to do something about the car. The debt is only going to get worse otherwise. I don’t mean to be harsh when saying that. I appreciate its your lifeline but it’s an expensive one. Your car is costing about £470 a month by my quick calculation and that’s without including maintenance. Rent plus car wipes out almost all of your monthly income. 

Have you explored the lodger option anymore? I know you can’t do anything about it right now but could send an email to the landlord for future reference. What’s stopping you moving somewhere cheaper? Again, I know right now you can’t but that’s what I’d be planning. There are plenty of landlords who will accept you if on benefits.

Is your SOA correct? Do you pay council tax if on benefits? Groceries also look high for one person who’s on a budget. Likewise internet. But the car and rent are the big problem. You’d be struggling even if you had no other debts.

Have you had any other thoughts on selling stuff on eBay? Check out completed listings to see what things are worth and plough the earnings into debts (less seller and PayPal fees).

Lodger or moving are both definite options. It has been mentioned to me  that it could be possible for a "managed move" due to the domestic violence situation I was in, but I don't know the full details nor definitely if I'm eligible. I'm awaiting contact from Refuge as I've been referred to them who I believe will be able to advise further. I'd much prefer my ex boyfriend didn't know where I am; I do worry he might turn up. 

Council tax is with single person discount and council tax benefit. I've actually managed to get through to Virgin and negotiate the price down so I can change that. Groceries are an issue as I'm not actually spending that amount, as in I don't have that much to spare.

I'm going to take the payment holiday for the car in May - there's a link in the MSE newsletter actually about a possible announcement about car finance - and take that time to look into the different outcomes if I get rid of the car. 

ryanm8655

How are you getting on?

IrishSean

The car really is the expensive bit; check with your council about support with groceries. My Mrs is working 12 hours+ a day co-ordinating this in our area. I sell cars 2nd hand. There will be a lot of cheap cars appear on the market soon, I feel, as the likes of (most) sales ppl (income screwed over) & recently self employed have to fire-sale assets to make ends meet, not to mention those crippled by a month by month 20% pay cut. 
The problem is even if you agreed to contribute to the car but hand it back to your ex, buying another is tricky  (unless you are a key worker). A way round this is buy cheap, buy privately and buy super local (like walking distance), so as not to flout lockdown rules. 
I do worry when car finance affects other essentials such as bills, food, heat etc. 
Please give some consideration to the car issue again, if you can. 
Stay well and stay safe, whatever you decide to do💚