My partner has debt - how much do I do?

SavingAway88

Hiya,
Never used one of these before to ask about my own situation, so feel a bit vulnerable, but here goes.

I'm in a bit of a tricky situation. My fiance has had a bad run of it the last few years with job changes and things. He's been back in work for a year and a half, but he's absolutely terrible with money.

He currently is paying off a 5 year loan, and has around £4000 left to pay. Part of this was to consolidate his overdrafts and things a few years ago. He is paying this regularly.
However, now he tells me he's in £2k of his overdraft again, after for months saying he was working his way out of it.
He's asked I take over his finances and don't let him spend, which is probably for the best. I make more than him and I don't mind taking on more of the general costs (I pay for the shopping most of the time, and he does the odd 'top up'). We split the rent and bills 50/50.

With the changes in overdraft fees coming in April, I obviously want him to be out of the OD - he's paying about £60 per month in fees. Even if he stops spending he's still going to be paying charges. I have a zero balance transfer on my credit card (which I've almost paid off) but I'm reticent about taking on his debt. However, I know that he won't qualify for his own credit card, and the balance on the loan isn't good in terms of adding the debt to that.

Do I:

a) make him sell stuff, talk to the bank about the OD and let him pay lower rent for a few months to try and get back on his feet?
b) take on the debt onto my credit card and set up a direct debit from him?

I know it seems like an obvious choice, I've just worked so hard to pay off my own credit card that the idea of seeing it go back up is frustrating. We wanted to work towards starting a family in the next few years but the idea of not being debt-free before that is making me anxious.


Any ideas?
SaveAway

Karonher

Either way would mean you would be paying more for him whether it was by putting it on your card or taking less from him. If you are considering a family together you must be sure that he will stay around and the quicker you are out of debt the easier things will be then.

Its not always the advice you will get on here, but I would pay off the overdraft and tell him that it is a one off. Get him to cut back on his expenditure and make sure you get every penny you can towards paying off the £2000.

EimearF

I think you should look at the fairness of 50/50 split on all bills if he earns less than you. 

I have always earned more than my husband and when we moved in together (boyfriend at that point) we pooled all our money and got an allowance each - the same each. 

If you are to marry this man you will no longer have individual debt problems, they are shared. 

What is the underlying cause of him building up debt? my husband was trying to live in too little spending money and ended up going into his overdraft so we rejigged our allowances and it made it easier to stay on track. He may need help with money management- I manage the majority of the bills from
the pooled money as my husband isn’t good at monitoring income and outgoings although he is getting better. 

twiggy86

Not to confuse things but I wanted to give you the opposite opinion.

I want to start by saying, nothing below is intended to judge your OH or be critical - I am back on these boards after previously clearing my debt but then letting it rack up again. So I promise I am not being critical, just giving my honest opinion. 

 I wouldn't pay off the overdraft for him. I have helped my OH with debt in the past and whilst in the moment you are helping, but it doesn't teach them to be self-sufficient or manage their own money. You said he has already consolidated once, so clearly he hasn't learnt his lesson and so by bailing him out he is probably likely to do it again in the future, as in a way you're facilitating it by trying to be helpful. My OH is still rubbish with money and probably I have paid back more of his debt than he has, as its my name so its my responsibility for it regardless of whether he's had a bad month of work (self-employed builder so its variable).  

Instead I would look at helping him reduce his spending, ways to make extra money (e.g. surveys or receipt snapping apps) and how to budget. Hopefully that will help bring down the debt faster and also build good money management skills. And actually, I should take this advice myself and try make my OH better with money!!! 

-taff

As you are not financially linked yet with a mortgage or whatever, I would either let him learn or teach him how to budget and go through the household budget together to work out a fairer balance.

He needs to say what exactly he is spending money on to be overdrawn after consolidating and if you do [ I wouldn't] help him with money you need to know the ins and outs of both sets of finances along with joint finances. You cannot borrow your way out of debt, the only way to not be in debt is to not spend on what you can't afford, not borrow what you can't pay back without getting yourself in debt.

Maybe you should both fill out an SOA and show it to each other so you can work together and he can pay his bills off himself.

With the overdrat being time sensitive, there may be a compromise here. That's up to you to decide. In light of recent events though, he may have to look into a dmp..

Basically, youve got to work through this one together with a solution that suits both of you. If you take all responsibility for this it means he never will grow up or you will have to be responsible for it forever, which is not fair equity in a relationship unless he takes responsibility for something in some other area and can be relied on to actually do whatever it is.

D_M_E

Will he allow you to take full and complete control of what income he get - let you gake all of what he gets, give him a personal allowance and use the rest to pay his bills and clear his debts, with the allowance being all he has for the month and once it's gone then nothing more for the month? Would this approach get him being more careful and into budgeting?

Taking on his debts in your name should only be a last resort, not one of the first things to be considered.

zippygeorgeandben

I think you have done well to reduce your own CC debt and I would feel the same as you that you have worked so hard to reduce it, for it to build up through no fault of your own.  I earn more than my other half and I pay more than half the rent and the majority of the bills.  However, two reasons that he cannot get himself out of the hole he is in is that a) He doesn't earn enough but b) and more important, is that I expect him to tag along to social events which can be pricey and spend some money.  
I have bailed him out in the past with loans etc and he always pays me back.  He isn't frivolous but he just does not earn enough money for the area we live in (expensive outer London).
I think that it would help if you took over his finances from April 1 for a month, do a SOA on here and see what he is left with.  Then you know the true picture.  The fact that he wants you to take over his finances is a good thing as he realises he needs to sort it out.  Keep us updated.

Fireflyaway

My advice would be to sit down and do a written budget together and have 1 category that is debt repayment. Work out how much you can pay each month and just pay it down. Don't consolidate the debts or move onto credit cards, just get on a pay it. The most important part is to work out why your partner is in debt. Do they need to cut back on expenses? are they just disorganized? When the debt is gone, get together an emergency fund so if there is another change of job or unexpected expense you don't have to borrow. Without meaning to sound condescending, you need to accept that you might both have different views on debt and borrowing and that might not change. If you do pay off the overdraft how likely is it that your partner will use it again or get a payday loan and just not tell you? Could it be that they feel the need to keep up? Especially if you earn more. In my 20's I borrowed if I wanted something. I was too embarrassed to say I couldn't afford to eat out or go on holidays. I told myself I'd pay it back but in reality it doesn't happen. Now I will just say no if I can't afford something. I don't want to go back in more debt. Just like losing weight or giving up smoking your partner needs to really want to do this for it to work. 

SavingAway88

Hi all,
Thank your for your very kind and gentle responses! I think you’ve all summed up the two sides of this.
To answer a few questions:
yes we’re getting married I do intend to share everything we have, it’s more about the fact that we’ve been here before and I’ve bailed him out before. That credit card I’ve been paying off was our holiday that I’ve been paying off solely because he doesn’t have the money.
I do earn more, but only recently, and I pay all of our other expenses. The problem is that when I try to make cuts/take on more responsibility, he sees that as him having ‘more spare cash’.
So for example, I very rarely buy a coffee out, and feel guilty when I do. We went through his bank statements and he was spending about £8 a day on coffee. 

He grew up without much and now seems to be stuck in a ‘if I want it, I’m gonna have it’ without looking at his bank balance. Living beyond means.

I’m going to sit down with him and make a plan, I will probably let him pay half rent for a few months in the hopes that will build his cash reserves back up. It’s just frustrating that I so often go without in order to save and be more responsible, and he can just buy whatever he wants without thinking.
We don’t have a big fancy lifestyle, we don’t have a mortgage, he should be able to live within his means but he doesn’t like looking at money. He’s also very generous which tends to get him into trouble (but is a lovely trait, along with many others that may not have come across here!). 

This is my person and he’s a good man, but we came from very different upbringings and views towards debt and finance. He has pulled himself out of debt before, I just need to get him motivated (instead of leaning on me as a safety net).
I will obviously do what I need to do, but it’s quite exhausting!
thanks all

mumtoomany

Try pointing him the direction of Dave Ramsey, maybe.  But a.erica but makes you think about your spending. Good luck, mumtoomany.

Karonher

With the extra information it does seem that you just taking over his finances will work. If You can stop his pointless spending - in addition to you saying you will help more with the rent - hopefully you will sort it soon.