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Partner moving in (not just yet), fair finances blah blah
jbkmum
Forumite 292 Posts
Partner will be moving in to my rented house mid year, rather than me move into his owned property - for all the usual reasons that MS advise not to move into a partners owned property to protect them etc. That was my idea, down the line we can revist it, but I don't want a situation where I'm taking advantage of his kindness.
He has said, lets split all the bills when I move in. I've said, maybe not because my bills also include my two dogs, my sons childcare etc. I wouldn't expect him to pay for that. It is kind that he has suggested that but really, thats not fair I think.
These are the bills, top part is what I think he should contribute towards, the bottom section is what he shouldn't (in my eyes)
Rent
Contents Insurance
TV Licence
Council Tax
Internet
Netflix
Family Spotify
Water
Energy
Food
Each pay for our own car tax, maintenance, insurance, fuel (?), medical costs, mobile phones, any debts.
I pay for myself and my ds in terms of dentists costs, childcare, pet costs.
I think at this present time we should save money on our own, too early to have joint savings of any kind. We also both need it if our relationship was to go sour, you never know.
My thinking is, we've been together less than a year. At this point I don't think its the right time to merge finances. At some point in the future, we could potentially get married and have a child together. Around that time it would make sense to share finances. But I wouldn't ask him to move in and contribute towards my sons childcare or my pet insurance so early.
I think I'm being fair, he wants to help. I think that its easy to take advantage of someone who is really kindhearted without meaning to. And that we would be better off starting this new journey together in this manner. I don't want to be financially controlling however and he has been hurt in the past when he offered me some money to get me out of a hole and I declined, not out of pride, but because it was about 2 months into our relationship and it felt weird. He understood once I explained why I had said no but he does find it frustrating when I say no.
What do you think? Should I let him contribute what he wants? Am I still being controlling even by declining extra money?
He has said, lets split all the bills when I move in. I've said, maybe not because my bills also include my two dogs, my sons childcare etc. I wouldn't expect him to pay for that. It is kind that he has suggested that but really, thats not fair I think.
These are the bills, top part is what I think he should contribute towards, the bottom section is what he shouldn't (in my eyes)
Rent
Contents Insurance
TV Licence
Council Tax
Internet
Netflix
Family Spotify
Water
Energy
Food
Each pay for our own car tax, maintenance, insurance, fuel (?), medical costs, mobile phones, any debts.
I pay for myself and my ds in terms of dentists costs, childcare, pet costs.
I think at this present time we should save money on our own, too early to have joint savings of any kind. We also both need it if our relationship was to go sour, you never know.
My thinking is, we've been together less than a year. At this point I don't think its the right time to merge finances. At some point in the future, we could potentially get married and have a child together. Around that time it would make sense to share finances. But I wouldn't ask him to move in and contribute towards my sons childcare or my pet insurance so early.
I think I'm being fair, he wants to help. I think that its easy to take advantage of someone who is really kindhearted without meaning to. And that we would be better off starting this new journey together in this manner. I don't want to be financially controlling however and he has been hurt in the past when he offered me some money to get me out of a hole and I declined, not out of pride, but because it was about 2 months into our relationship and it felt weird. He understood once I explained why I had said no but he does find it frustrating when I say no.
What do you think? Should I let him contribute what he wants? Am I still being controlling even by declining extra money?
£5000 left to pay on credit cards, down from 40k!!
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Replies
Are you going to be asking for £X amount every time a bill goes up? If Netflix increases another pound a month, will you want 50p more? If one of you drives 300 miles for a weekend away, will you be wanting petrol money? Family trip out - will he have to pay for his entrance fee to the zoo because you're paying your family's?
I agree with keeping your own money to a certain degree, but I would be sharing far more than you're indicating.
Why can't you move into his owned property? That would make far more sense and you could give notice. The risk is his, not yours, and it sounds like he's prepared to take it. If it all goes Pete Tong, you can find another rental without having to give him notice or anything. Pay half bills roughly (round up to allow for increases over next couple of years) and not half his mortgage so you don't get a claim on it. Save whatever you can as either a get-out plan so you have a deposit for renting/buying, or to put towards buying something jointly in the future.
Good luck
I would love to move in with him and am very fond of his house, however he lives in a village and I'd either have to move DS schools or drive to his school every day. Additionally he doesn't have a garden so we'd have to take the dogs out several times a day rather than just let them out for a wee!
I'm wary because I want this to go right, rather than wary it WILL go wrong. I figured realism would help us in the long run!
It is very noble to suggest you are not moving into your partners place to protect "him" ... Im sorry i just dont believe that - You can easy move in with him and if it didnt work out then walk away expecting nothing ... that is how you protect him. I think the truth is more likely to be you want to protect yourself by not giving up your rental home, which is understandable but please have the courage to "own it" and not dress it up as you have.
As for splitting the bills ... he may want to help out with child care costs, or pet costs, it may make him feel more part of family life and strengthen the bond. Should he decide to rent his house out whilst living with you he will also have an element of increased income.
If feels a little like you are trying to make decisions for him .... let him decide with you, his reasons might surprise you
Totally see your point about the bond thing and I hadn’t thought about it that way.
I’m not trying to make decisions for him, I am trying to decide if I’m being reasonable or not and then see what he has to say. I think o second guess myself so much I end up going round in circles. You’ve made several valid points I hadn’t taken into consideration.
Perhaps at the root of this, I have single parent with small child and two dogs taking bachelor for a ride paranoia. Previously I was the major earner in a relationship with a lazy ex husband who was happy for me to work really hard to support us and not make an effort. Now being in a relationship where we are fairly equal in terms of housework and the things we do for each other, it’s a bit scary! I’m still the major earner but I also have debt whereas he has a large amount of equity and no debt so I just over worry lol
I agree with your list of shared/separate spending. The fuel would only be an issue if you started to use one car predominantly but if that happened you could always fill up his car (or vice versa) occasionally.
You haven't said what's happening to his house when he moves out. Presumably he'll be renting it out so he isn't burning any boats and still has that security/investment. Having someone to share some bills will help you to save so if you decide to buy together (or separately) in the future you'll have something to put towards it.
Incidentally, DH and I have been married for very many years and we still don't share all finances. I hate the 'one pot' principle. I like some independence. Just saying, because you don't have to share everything even longer term.:)
It sounds to me that moving in with him is the aim, then why not move in with him for a trial period and keep your place on (4-6months?) .... Your debt aside (i agree you wanting to pay that off yourself) i would have a chat, express your concerns with him (not wanting to take advantage etc) and see what he says .... From what you say he sounds a sensible guy and will come to painless agreement.
Like you I was in a bad relationship which costs me dearly.
I learnt to be very independent financially, and that is something that I refuse to give up.
Nothing beats having your own money.
Whilst he is living with you, use his share of the bills and deposit in a savings account just in case things go south, you have some savings. You were paying the rent before and will continue whilst he is there.