Opening up to partner about debt!

SuperFrank88

So I posted this on my diary 'Debt Free by 33 in 2023' [https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6086614/ynab-ing-my-way-to-freedom] and thought I would post it here to so that if anyone else was in my situation and hiding their debt from their partners. Here's how it went for me last night....

Oh My Word! I can't believe I actually did it!:j

So I sat my partner down and basically said I had got myself in a bit of a mess with my finances. I told her that I was planning on defaulting all of my accounts because I needed the interest to stop being added to the balance which was over my head now. I told her that there would be lots of letters turning up which were all auto generated. I said that I was not running away from my debt and as soon as they all defaulted that I would set up a DMP and start paying it off straight away, by which time I will have a nice EF behind me.

She was worried that we were going to have people knocking on the door (She watches 'Can't pay we'll take it away' )

I explained to her that I wouldn't let it get to that stage and that it would in no way affect her credit because we are in no way financially linked!

I didn't tell her how much exactly I owed but I told her that I had faced my problem, I have a plan in place and i just need her to trust me to get it sorted.

She took it so much better than I thought she would, there was no tears or tantrums. She thanked me for being honest with her and was glad I didn't hide things from her.

I cannot tell you the relief I felt after that chat!:j

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to each and every one of you that nudged me towards telling her...hate to say it but you were right!

I now feel like I can take on the world now that I have got my partner by my side (even though she doesn't know the exact total. I don't think that matters though, the main thing is she knows I am sorting it

To anyone reading this that is in the same situation as me and holding your secrets from your partner...don't do it!:money:

Unicorn_cottage

Well done Good luck with your journey!

Retireby40

You are concealing an amount of debt. Which is your prerogative it isnt exactly being honest with them.

It seems you are telling them mainly because theres gonna be letters turning up. You would be better sitting down with them telling the full story. Half stories only end up in problems later down the line.

There would be a big difference if my partner told me they were in 2k of debt than if they were in 20k. And I would want to know why as i would be able to see the lifestyle they were living and what they earned.

SuperFrank88

What would be the big difference? Debt is debt surely, as long as you get to the finish line does it matter is there was 2k or 20k to start? The point will be the same, debt free,no?

Sea_Shell

With the full extent of the debt known though, you can plan as a couple, going forward.

The size of the debt WILL have an impact on your lifestyle...the bigger the debt, the bigger the impact.

And timescales. 1 year, 2 years, 10 years??

Retireby40

Super Frank the amount owed is hugely important.

Is it a debt that will take 2 years to clear or 10?

Will it impact things like holidays, buying a house, going out for dinner etc etc. Will it impact buying a car?

Unfortunately you are missing a huge point that the amount does matter and being 100% honest is important in times like this.

I dont know how long you have been with your partner but if my partner said I'm in debt I would want to know how much. That's what relationships and partnerships are about.

I would also want to have the piece of mind that my partner who is in debt hasnt got any other problems such as drink, drugs or gambling.

If you live a relatively normal life and your 50k in debt your partner will surely ask questions why. If your 2k in debt that can amount pretty quick on bits and Bob's and general spending.

Takmon

SuperFrank88 wrote: »

I didn't tell her how much exactly I owed but I told her that I had faced my problem, I have a plan in place and i just need her to trust me to get it sorted.

I don't want to pick on you personally, but generally i think this is completely the wrong way to do it. If you live with your partner finances should be regularly discussed and budgeting done together. Even couples who want to keep everything separate should still budget all shared expenses such as houses, car, holidays together. At the end of the day if you aren't happy to tell your partner exactly how much money you earn, where it goes and what debt you have then why are you even together.

But i'm surprised she was happy with that conversation, your telling her to trust you to get it sorted. Yet her trusting you with finances so far has ended up with you being £26k in the red. She would be a fool to trust you again with money.

sweetpea26

Excellent progress SuperFrank88

You told her and that is paramount. You have made the first step. Please keep her informed about the debt and how you are handling it. Have you sat down and worked it all out down to the last penny?

Other posters please be a bit less judgmental and be more supportive of SuperFrank88. He has made a massive move that has worried him sick. These boards are meant to be helpful and supportive. This is the first step for him and hopefully as things take their course he can be more transparent about the amounts.

Well done SuperFrank88. You now are on your way to tackling this ... start a diary so we can all support you along the way.

[Deleted User]

sweetpea26 wrote: »

Excellent progress SuperFrank88

You told her and that is paramount. You have made the first step. Please keep her informed about the debt and how you are handling it. Have you sat down and worked it all out down to the last penny?

Other posters please be a bit less judgmental and be more supportive of SuperFrank88. He has made a massive move that has worried him sick. These boards are meant to be helpful and supportive. This is the first step for him and hopefully as things take their course he can be more transparent about the amounts.

Well done SuperFrank88. You now are on your way to tackling this ... start a diary so we can all support you along the way.

Totally agree with this

He does have a diary too but hasn't logged on for a couple of days .

enthusiasticsaver

I am glad you told your partner and take this as a first step and maybe resolve going forward to be more open about finances together. How much you owe will have an impact as you will have less disposable income due to paying off the DMP and not be able to access credit. Good start though in saving an EF and facing up to it. I see you have put £26k debt in your signature. How long do you think it will take to clear?

I would also agree that this board is not for judgement and we are primarily here to support posters.

Retireby40

We arent being judgemental but in any relationships transparency is paramount? Do you not agree?

Do you not agree that the amount does matter? We arent trying to pick faults but it's something very normal.