Opening up to partner about debt!

Verityspinelli

sweetpea26 wrote: »

Excellent progress SuperFrank88

You told her and that is paramount. You have made the first step. Please keep her informed about the debt and how you are handling it. Have you sat down and worked it all out down to the last penny?

Other posters please be a bit less judgmental and be more supportive of SuperFrank88. He has made a massive move that has worried him sick. These boards are meant to be helpful and supportive. This is the first step for him and hopefully as things take their course he can be more transparent about the amounts.

Well done SuperFrank88. You now are on your way to tackling this ... start a diary so we can all support you along the way.

I agree the OP has done well starting a conversation with his partner, there are a lot of people on these boards and elsewhere are struggling with this conversation
. I personally don’t see any judgement towards him just advice to open up about the amount, in the long run he will feel so much better.
Money problems suck and although at the moment he will feel an emotional relief that he has lightened the load he has been battling to carry but unfortunately it won’t be long before the worries about ‘the secret’ start to weigh him down again.
He will find himself trying to avoid conversations regarding money in case it prompts any questions about the debt, like “how’s your debt going” “how much have you got left to pay? “ which will prompt two reactions
1: admit the amount ( but usually a question like this will blindside and set in panic to a person the chances are )
2: He will lie and down play the amount
Which will then take him back to carrying the secret again and to be fair this time it’ll be harder because he will not only be holding the secret about the debt but the fact he’s lied about the amount is going to make him feel even worse.

To the OP you have been very brave opening up about your situation, debt is so easy to get into and so hard to get out of, it happens it is nothing to feel ashamed about.
No you don’t have to tell her anything you don’t want to but for peace of mind I would tell her everything, only then will you feel the release that you need. It’s better to lead the conversation when you are in control of the situation (sit down to dinner) tell her that this is playing on your mind, whatever you choose but don’t wait for the question cause the chances are the time won’t be right and will set you back again.
I know it’s an old clich!e but if this person cares about you then they will understand. If my husband told me something like this I wouldn’t run for the hills I’d just be glad he trusted me enough to tell me.
I wish you well but only when the secrets are revealed will you feel free. X

On_my_way

You probably both need to go through your income and expenditure- are you in debt partly because you have been paying for the majority of things and can't afford it? 

SuperFrank88

On_my_way said:

You probably both need to go through your income and expenditure- are you in debt partly because you have been paying for the majority of things and can't afford it? 

Yes that it exactly why my debt has spiraled over the last 2 years. My OH is on a low income, so whenever we were going out I would automatically pay for things. The irony of the situation is that even though my OH's income is low, she would've ended up with more disposable income every month because such a massive chunk of mine was going on interest. 

Treesandbird2020

My husband hid the truth from me about his debt and in the short term we separated. We decided our love was worth more and we are slowly re working our marriage. But it has caused lots of stress, worry resentment and anger. So please if anyone can learn a little bit please be honest with your spouse. Don't let them find out the hard way