When to stop giving presents

masterkay

When chatting with the OH about buying presents for people this year we realised that we only see a couple we have been friends with for years to exchange presents.

We buy Christmas, birthday, new house, new job etc presents. We realised the only time we see a them is when we get a call,"we are moving house fancy coming round to see it" or "it is my birthday next week fancy doing something?"

We don't actually see them any other time. A couple of points is that obviously it swings both ways (we get presents) but they don't make the effort to see us they wait until it is one of their occasions when we are going round and have our late presents waiting (not that we want them or mind they are late it is more they didn't make the effort to come and see us).

We make effort to see them (we don't live far away either) but they are always busy and it never happens outside the gift giving. It seems if we didn't do the gift giving we wouldn't see them so it's probably why we still give the gifts but I feel a bit miffed that to see some people it has to be an occasion when they are getting something from us.

We see some of our more recent additions to our friends more often but we don't really do the present thing with them. I convinced when you meet people later in life doing the whole gift thing doesn't seem to take off. We do token gifts but that's it.

I would like to cut out the present buying as it seems pointless for people we don't see but we probably won't see them again if we do this. Maybe they are trying to give us the hint and we are being stupid.

Any suggestions?

This also leads into the general question when do you stop buying people gifts when you have drifted and when do you start buying gifts for people you are just getting to know.

nopot2pin

Could you not have a chat to the couple concerned, say virtally what you have said here...that you only see them for gift exchanging ect ect... and suggest that instead of buying gifts for each other, you get together twice a year.. say March and September... give or take a week or two... purely for a catch up.

If you think that you are missing some sort of hint.. then you arrange the first meet...but leave the second meet to them. If they dont arrange anything... then you know you have been missing the hints....:o
Good luck

computerwoman

this is a tricky one...I was in the same position once...my friend of years and years some 30 odd moved away to the next town 21 miles away when it was there birthdays and stuff she would ring and I would get something and go over there on the bus they would pick me up at the bus station and so on but she never gave us anything...strange so I stopped buying and went empty handed once in the house she started shouting at the kids and made me feel really uncomfortable then when I got home I rang her to say I'd got back ok and she said she didn't care and I could go to hell and back all this because I hadn't taken a gift this time...we haven't spoken since and to be honest I haven't missed her...she seemed to thrive on my downfall so good luck to them...I would say next time that you can't make it a prior engagement and see what happen's...:D

masterkay

Good suggestion.

I fear we may have been missing hints as the reason it got to this state to begin with is because we stopped making as much effort to arrange meeting up as it was always us who did the arranging and sorting taking up days of our time (think invasion of a small country) and they'd pull out at last minute.

So we ended up in the situation of only being asked to do something when there was an occasion thus only meeting to give presents. We are not good enough for everyday meeting but when we bring a gift it is fine.

I'm not sure I want to talk about it outright because if we have been missing the hints it will be very awkward.

Surely they should stop inviting us to gift giving occasions, that's really what should happen in my opinion or maybe we need to be occupied that night.

nopot2pin

masterkay wrote: »

Good suggestion.

I fear we may have been missing hints as the reason it got to this state to begin with is because we stopped making as much effort to arrange meeting up as it was always us who did the arranging and sorting taking up days of our time (think invasion of a small country) and they'd pull out at last minute.

So we ended up in the situation of only being asked to do something when there was an occasion thus only meeting to give presents. We are not good enough for everyday meeting but when we bring a gift it is fine.

I'm not sure I want to talk about it outright because if we have been missing the hints it will be very awkward.

Surely they should stop inviting us to gift giving occasions, that's really what should happen in my opinion or maybe we need to be occupied that night.

AAAAhhhhh..... a completely different scenario.
If you feel that you are doing all the running/arranging/present buying then I think you have answered your own question.
It might be a little late to miss this Xmas...unless of course you normally arrange it quite late anyway.... but I would definately leave anything else up to them.

There is another reason that your friendship does not florish.. ...that doesnt leave such a bad feeling ... and that is you have simply grown out of each other. And if this is the case... then move on and enjoy company with people you want to be with.

masterkay

nopot2pin wrote: »

AAAAhhhhh..... a completely different scenario.
If you feel that you are doing all the running/arranging/present buying then I think you have answered your own question.
It might be a little late to miss this Xmas...unless of course you normally arrange it quite late anyway.... but I would definately leave anything else up to them.

There is another reason that your friendship does not florish.. ...that doesnt leave such a bad feeling ... and that is you have simply grown out of each other. And if this is the case... then move on and enjoy company with people you want to be with.

I think I may have answered my question. I just needed to think it out. I think we can miss Christmas, fingers crossed, and that will probably end it.

I suggested to OH that we'd grown apart or maybe we haven't moved as up in the world like them (still in the same house as we have always been in) and I was told I was crazy talking. Maybe the moving up in the world is a harsh comment.

It was fun while it lasted.

Thanks guys.

masterkay

computerwoman wrote: »

this is a tricky one...I was in the same position once...my friend of years and years some 30 odd moved away to the next town 21 miles away when it was there birthdays and stuff she would ring and I would get something and go over there on the bus they would pick me up at the bus station and so on but she never gave us anything...strange so I stopped buying and went empty handed once in the house she started shouting at the kids and made me feel really uncomfortable then when I got home I rang her to say I'd got back ok and she said she didn't care and I could go to hell and back all this because I hadn't taken a gift this time...we haven't spoken since and to be honest I haven't missed her...she seemed to thrive on my downfall so good luck to them...I would say next time that you can't make it a prior engagement and see what happen's...:D

That's not nice at all. Some people are just like that. It sometimes takes something big or someone else to point it out.

They say you only miss something when it is gone but you can also realise you didn't need something/someone when your life improves without it.

nopot2pin

masterkay wrote: »

I think I may have answered my question. I just needed to think it out. I think we can miss Christmas, fingers crossed, and that will probably end it.

I suggested to OH that we'd grown apart or maybe we haven't moved as up in the world like them (still in the same house as we have always been in) and I was told I was crazy talking. Maybe the moving up in the world is a harsh comment.

It was fun while it lasted.

Thanks guys.

If its no longer fun..... what is the point ?
And if you do work it out right... they wont realise that you are no longer part of their life for a good while.

Good luck

beachbeth

We had a similar situation with a couple that we were friends with. We realised that the only time we saw them was when we made the arrangements and called them to say "do you want to come round?", "do you want to go out for a meal" etc. We got fed up with this and decided that the next time we went out with them would be when they rang us and arranged it. Well, its been about 7 years and we haven't heard from them and we don't miss them either! (I think actually the only reason we were friends was because our kids went to the same school!)

In your case, I wouldn't say anything, just stop buying the presents. If they ring up and ask you round have an excuse ready such as "its my husbands works do" or "we have a christening/wedding/party to go to on that day". Eventually they'll realise and won't ask any more. Theres really no point keeping this sort of relationship going and they obviously don't make as much effort as you do.

Uniscots97

I had similar situation too. All fine while I had money to go out and buy presents. This year all going out for the person's birthday (in previous year's I would have gone along and paid for my friend's meal as the other were students and I was the only one working). I said no I couldn't go as skint but would come along early and drop off a present and card (a tenner spent but a lot of thought put into it). Turned up, friend all smiles opened their present and then I thought I'd better make myself scarce (let them go to the restaurant). I was (openly) slagged off by my 'friend', they let rip at me for not coming along to the meal and everyone would be out of pocket as they were more skint than me (seriously if that was the case why not just stay in and cook and get a bottle of wine?). I was then told how mad I was for wanting to sort out my finances and it was only a birthday so why didn't I just come along and pay for it (yep they were serious they actually had expected me to pay for the whole thing). I got back in the car and drove off. I pulled in further down the road and started crying. I'd been friends with these people most of my life. Guess I grew up and they didn't?

What I'm trying to say is presents shouldn't make the friendship. My best friend is over the moon with a batch of home made flapjacks and a natter of a cuppa than a huge giftwrapped box and an expensive present. If you want to give them one last chance I'd send a christmas card (but no present!) saying something like "Hope you are both well and would love to catch up soon, get in touch", and see what they say.

Sallys_Savings

unixgirluk...I really feel for you having to go through that with so called "friends"....you're better than them and they're not worth your tears or even a thought.

I'm glad you've got a great "real" best friend though