Debt - I've messed up badly.

bertiewhite

Hi Catapillery,

I've been exactly where you are a few years ago, in fact you could just change the name/date and I would have thought it was one of my posts. The same sort of debt figure, keeping it from my depression-prone wife because I didn't want to worry her, not wanting to look at my bank balance (the first I knew I was in trouble was when I was refused a withdrawal at the ATM meaning I was at the end of my several thousand pound O/D) etc etc.

This is what I'd do (based on my experience)...

1. Register for internet banking and work out what your balance is.

2. Depending on how computer savvy you are, set up a spreadsheet (or use an app) to keep track of your known regular outgoings such as direct debits & loan payments etc. Once I saw everything in black & white figures, it made it easier to formulate a plan and to cut back where necessary. Like Linden says - no more unknown quantities!! "Doing the finances" has almost become a weekly obsession with me now as the feeling of control I have is very empowering.

3. Tell your wife. Actually, you could tell her right at the beginning because to me, this was the biggest problem. All the time she was unaware of the debt, she was spending so it was like I was swimming against a strong current. Rather than being negatively affected by the situation it actually gave her something to focus on and made our relationship stronger because "we were in it together". Actually, for example we still have homemade pizza night on Saturdays because although we did it because it was cheaper than buying ready made, we find it much more satisfying to make them ourselves now and it's become a tradition.

Good luck and remember, nobody is going to criticise you because you've admitted you've messed up and you've taken steps to sort it out.

monetxchange

Also wanted to put my encouragement in. Well done for taking the first terrifying step of asking for help. I too have had a partner that had depression and anxiety, and it really does turn everything else upside down. You're in the right place for help.

There's no need to worry. There's a million ways through debt clearing that don't go anywhere near you being chucked out on the street or having your lights cut off. It's a modern time where many are struggling and there is help out there. But you do have to grasp hold of it now.

The worst part is totting it all up - I've been there. But actually, having it all on paper and not doing the monthly guesswork of if you'll have enough this month took so much stress out of it for me. Add up your debts and write them down. Then take a years' bank statements and do an accurate SOA as above. Get yourself a coffee or a stiff drink to make it less painful!

You can do this. Many of us have been where you are and are all here to help. I wish you all the good fortune in your journey ahead.

robstone74

Hi mate.
As the other's have said, no about of debt or money issue's is worth losing your life over.

There WILL!! be a time in the future when you have no debt, myself and the other's can assure you of that.

My family have been £120,000 in debt due to a cockup in the family 10 year's ago so we had no money for all that time. I made mistakes around the same time and was £30,000 in debt.

I was on the CCCS at the time, had debt collector's on my door but it all got resolved but yes it was terrible but my word.. the stress of the money issues is not worth it... as much as it feels like it at the moment.

You will get there, as much as you don't think you will.. you will... I am 45 now and I was 34 when it started...

We hopefully have many many year's ahead of us all.. the money is never worth losing a life and you will get there as i said.

All the best and just imagine a day with no debt.. it will inspire you and you and your family will get there... 100%

stripeyfox

Hello mate
I've been where you are. Had loads of hidden debt from my wife, didn't want to tell her as she was (I thought) depressed and "wouldn't be able to handle it". Long story short, we were rapidly approaching the cliff edge and I was waking in the night in terror at what might happen.

In the end I had to come clean, we went through everything and found a solution together. She was much, much stronger than I thought she would be and we now budget together.

It wasn't like I was spending the money on myself, it was just accumulated cost of living/holidays/car repairs etc over several years. It isn't entirely your fault - although you may need ot accept the blame for now at least but in time you can move forward and budget together and it will become clearer to both of you that budgeting is the responsibiluty of both parties.

I know too well the guilt and shame. I have lots of friends and family but could not confide in any of them. It was a random stranger on an internet forum (not this one) who I vented to and that person helped me tremendously with finding the courage to "fess up".

He said to me these words "I know you're stressed and it all looks a mess at the moment, but you're in the eye of the storm and can't see the wood for the trees so it definitely helps to confide in someone"

"It's tough as a husband and a parent. We're expected to be the bread winner and the person everyone else relies on - it's a big responsibility. But one thing I do know is that our health and well being of ourselves and our families are more important than anything else in the world. You know deep down that they would definitely NOT be better off without you. That's BS and it's your tired, emotional state talking. When we're stressed and tired, we're not thinking straight so our thoughts are definitely not to be trusted when our mood is low. In other words, don't do anything rash or stupid right now if your head is scrambled."
"From what you've posted above, it sounds like you can't live with the deceit for much longer and it's time to fess up - however awkward and difficult that's going to be. Although you fear your marriage might collapse, you don't know that for a fact. Sometimes these moments of truth make us stronger in the long run so you have to hope and have faith that the outcome will be O.K."

And he was dead right. Get the facts together first, gather some information and then you'll have to sit down and tell her. It probably won't be pretty - it wasn't in my case - and she needed some time to firstly get of the shock of the debt, process the fact she'd been deceived etc but then you can start to move forward.

As others have said - there is always a solution to the problem. No amount of debt is worth the stress or prospect of ending a life. FWIW we had run up closer to £40K worth of debts!

All the best - if you want to rant, vent of just talk then by all means PM me. I'm no expert, but I have been in your situation. I might not have the answers, but sometimes it helps to know you're not the only one!

All the best

kimwp

Hi Catapillerry, how are you doing? I've been checking this thread every day since you posted and hoping you are ok.

fudgecat

As others have commented, what can seem overwhelming and even lead to thoughts of suicide, will seem much more manageable when the scale of the problem is seen and a series of steps can be taken to tackle the problem. I have been in your position in the past, where there seemed no way out apart from death and it was not a rational way of thinking.
There is ALWAYS a solution. Part of your stress is feeling that you carry this burden alone.
Your wife will be much stronger than you think - I was! Share your burden with her. You have taken a positive step to share with this forum. There is a wealth of advice and support here and we will not condemn - how can we, we`ve been there!
Tackle that SOA and post it for advice.
Good Luck and welcome to a debt free future:o

NewcastlePaul

Take a deep breath.
When i first joined this site all them years ago i was over 128k in debt.
I bottled it up for years and the relief of finely telling someone was massive.
In time you will get through it.

kimwp

Hi Catapillery,


Hope you are doing ok. It will take a while to lay out your SoA, I think, particularly if you are trying to do it without your wife noticing - it's a lot of data to gather and numbers to crunch, but don't get discouraged and we will all be here to help and cheer you on when you have got the values.