Debt - I've messed up badly.

Catapillerry

Hi,
This is really hard to write. Please go easy on me because this is the first time I'm reaching out on this to anyone, and no one can criticise me more than I'm doing myself.

I'm currently at the point where ending it is starting to be one of my options. I'll do the excuses first.
about 4 years ago, my wife got very ill with stress and depression, and was off work for a while - still getting paid though. About the same time I was put into a redundancy pool and asked to re-apply for my job, which I did, and ended up with a lower paid role (aren't these big companies good to us)
I didn't tell her because she was in a very dark place, literally not getting out of bed, so how could I?
It happened again 6 months later, and in a panic, I got a loan out - not necessarily to support the essentials, but to do things as a family. she didn't know
When we got back on our feet, she took less money, and I ended up doing things like xmas and holiday and fixing the car with the loan money and credit cards - everything I shouldn't have done - in my defence I saw it as for the family, but I should have just cut my cloth. It felt at the time that it was 'free money' and wasn't cutting into the money we needed. I didn't do anything special with it, but I shouldn't have used it. It's stupid and I realize this isn't how it should work.
I was managing it all - I've got good credit and all the loans and cards were good rates.
But I reckon I'm over £20 000 into it, and I honestly couldn't put an accurate figure on it.

My wife knows nothing about it.

I haven't looked at my bank balance for ages, and I've just started to get messages saying I'm into my overdraft now (I was probably a few thousand out of it initially, so I'm spending more that I'm earning on cards and loans and bills)

I'm scared to look. Part of me wants to run and even end my life - I'm not being dramatic, or trying to get sympathy, but it's becoming a consideration.

My wife is still very down at times, and I just can't see how I'm going to tell her - I know it might end up in us splitting up after many years.
I'm making myself ill. a few times I've thought I'll actually faint when I get thinking about it all.

I honestly do not know what to do - I know I should get everything in front of me, but I can just feel this slipping into not being able to pay some bills very soon.

Silver_Queen

Hi Catapillerry. You've done the hardest part now, which is admit that you need to do something about this.

Next step is to get all the numbers together so you know how much you owe, and to whom.

Post that info here, let us know your income and outgoings, and we'll be able to help.

https://www.lemonfool.co.uk/financecalculators/soa.php

Fill it in as best you can. A flawed summary of your financial affairs is better than none.

scorpio_biker

Welcome to the board, and congratulations on taking the first step. People who are much more knowledgeable than me will be along soon to offer advice, but these problems are solvable.

lindens

Ok first of all take a deep breath - you are very brave posting this on here, but don't worry, there are lots of people on here who can offer free advice. The important things are the health of you and your wife. Think of the black place she is currently in - then think how that place would be for her if you weren't around.

You do need to tell her - but first things first.

You need to be brave and collect together all the balances of all of your debts - cards/loans/bank accounts etc. Get the last 6 months bank statements together. Then go to the top of this debt forum and complete an SOA - statement of affairs. Its important to fill this in honestly and accurately. It may take a few days - you need to get the balances and interest rates together
Then post the SOA on here and we can look at any shortfalls, any room for manoevres, anywhere you can save money.

Then you can start to put together a plan of action.

NOW you have to tell your wife - she will react much better once she can see you have a plan of action.
Good luck - you can do this

Unicorn_cottage

Hi Catapillerry

First things first. No amount of money is worth losing a life over. Everything can be sorted out in time.

You have come to the right place for support and a big hug. At the end of the day you did what you thought was right under extremely difficult circumstances but now is the time to say the past is in the past and focus on a brighter future.

The first step is usually completing a Statement of Affairs so people here can get a full understanding of the situation so they can help. This will be a big step for you as you not 100% sure about the amount owing. Here is the link to the SOA:

https://www.lemonfool.co.uk/financecalculators/soa.php

Grab yourself a cup of tea and have a look at the SOA.

Best of luck. We have all been in a similar situation here. This can get sorted x

sourcrates

I always take a sharp intake of breath when I read posts such as yours, you need to know that however much you owe, there is always a solution, please do some research online, no matter how much debt you have, there are mechanisms in place to deal with it, it’s a simple job of posting your SOA, as debt solutions are circumstance dependent.
Once we know what your income and expenditure is, a solution can be decided on, then implemented, if you cannot pay your debts, then don’t, let them default, what do you think will happen ?
Debt collection is a very slow process, sorting it out really is that easy, all it takes is a little effort on your part, talking about taking your own life for something like this makes no sense when it can be easily handled.

Catapillerry

Thank you everyone.
I will get statements and start to work through it.
Ridiculously I deliberately don't have internet banking (avoiding the truth) and a statement once a year.
I'll post the SOA by Friday.
I really appreciate it and the advice about getting it all together before I tell my wife is good, thanks.

[Deleted User]

Hi,

Didn't want to read and run.

I echo what has been said so far, no debt is unsolvable and as Sourcrates said, if you can't pay then don't.

So Deep Deep breath, gather all the information you can find on what you owe, sit down with a cuppa and fill in the SOA.

It will be scary but once it's written down, you've done the hard part. Then post it on here and the lovely people here will see what they can do to help.

Yes you need to tell your wife and I am sure she will be annoyed at first, but she will come round and will probably be more upset that you felt you couldn't tell her.

First things first, please get the SOA filled in.

Sending hugs to you

Pmo2
xx

lindens

Deleted_User wrote: »

Hi,



So Deep Deep breath, gather all the information you can find on what you owe, sit down with a cuppa and fill in the SOA.

It will be scary but once it's written down, you've done the hard part. Then post it on here and the lovely people here will see what they can do to help.



Pmo2
xx

You will actually be surprised how much better you will feel too, once you do your SOA. It will put you back in control again - no more unknown quantities.

Willing2Learn

Hi Catapillerry,

I just wanted to wish you the best of luck with your endeavours to tackle your debt. It is something you should do as a family. As already suggested, you can approach your wife with this when you have worked out which path you want to take. Everything will start falling into place once you have a realistic SOA. There will be a variety of different choices available...

If things do get overwhelming for you, then I recommend you dial 999 and request an ambulance. Then a mental health professional will assess your needs at the hospital.

Things will work out for you and your wife. You have taken the first tentative steps. Hang in there...

danfreestone

Hi Catapillerry,

Please tell your partner i hide around £38,000 of debt from my wife due to a gambling addiction, she finally caught me and we are dealing with the debt and issues together, Together you can both tackle the debts together and ensure that your spending is under control, When my wife was clueless about my debts i always felt i had to spend money on holidays ect as i earn a decent wage. now she knows mine/ her situation we are on a strict budget