Domesric Abuse Situation- How Do I hHelp My Friend?

smallandcute

Hi all,

Looking for some advice please?

I believe there is child neglect and potential abuse going on in my friend’s home and wondering where to turn to help them and their two children, children are primary school and nursery school age.

So to reduce the risk of said persons and children being identified I will label my friend Parent A and the second Parent as Parent B.

Parent B works full time day hours so doesn’t do a school run, when they come home from work they ignore Parent A and their two children, don’t do anything around the house to help, when they speak with Parent A and children its rude and unhelpful. All Parent B does after work is stay out with friends or come home and watch TV, eat some food and go to bed. Parent B has in the past repeatedly cheated on Parent A and we suspect this is happening again.

Parent A had a great job with good money and something they could progress in. They had to work away and it involved shift work but it was very much the dream job form them. Parent A found out their children were not being looked after properly and this caused them a lot of stress and anxiety, and along with other things, were signed off sick for a few months. Parent A couldn’t risk Parent B not looking after their children properly so gave up their work to be a full time stay at home parent.

Due to this Parent A has very little social life, if any now compared to when I first knew them, suffers from mental health issues and worries what would happen if one of the parents was to the leave the other. Parent A is adamant that the children need Parent B in their lives although Parent B does not in any way act like a parent. Parent A is also concerned if Parent B was to start another relationship their choice of partner may not treat the children well or them being well looked after.

I have repeatedly told my friend they need to seek professional help for both the mental health issues and the home life as this situation cannot continue. The house is a complete mess, think used nappies about the place, unclean dishes and cutlery, clothes piled up in trash bags in the back garden. Parent B also has hygiene issues of their of own but has repeatedly not cleaned the children of mud and muck before putting them to bed, doesn’t wipe or clean them properly when they wear nappies (although this is the youngest only now), if they haven’t done laundry then they put the children in dirty clothes for the day.

Things came to a head at the weekend when Parent B lost their temper with the younger child and hit them. Parent A be stated they were upset about this and Parent B just needs to learn to have more patience with their children. I have pointed out that if Parent A doesn’t get a grip on the situation then not only will they also be investigated for child neglect, it could also cost them career wise as they want to work in an area that helps people who have suffered from domestic abuse and neglect.

I have given Parent A contacts with Gingerbread and Domestic Abuse Support charities but they don’t seem to be acknowlefging the severity of the situation and are burying their head in the sand. We all know the saying about leading a horse to water. I also want to protect the children and ensure they grow up in a safe, happy, healthy home but I really don’t want Parent A in trouble for Parent B’s actions.

What steps would to take in a situation like this?

LadyDee

The only real help would be to report your concern about the children to Social Services. In fact, if children are at risk I would consider it essential to approach the authorities. Other than that, there's nothing you can do.

Pollycat

LadyDee wrote: »

The only real help would be to report your concern about the children to Social Services. In fact, if children are at risk I would consider it essential to approach the authorities. Other than that, there's nothing you can do.

I'd second this - especially given this:

smallandcute wrote: »

The house is a complete mess, think used nappies about the place, unclean dishes and cutlery, clothes piled up in trash bags in the back garden.

Things came to a head at the weekend when Parent B lost their temper with the younger child and hit them. Parent A be stated they were upset about this and Parent B just needs to learn to have more patience with their children.

However, I'm a little confused about this part:

smallandcute wrote: »

Parent B also has hygiene issues of their of own but has repeatedly not cleaned the children of mud and muck before putting them to bed, doesn’t wipe or clean them properly when they wear nappies (although this is the youngest only now), if they haven’t done laundry then they put the children in dirty clothes for the day.

You said earlier that "All Parent B does after work is stay out with friends or come home and watch TV, eat some food and go to bed."
So that doesn't tie in with him dressing the kids in dirty clothes or not cleaning them properly.

It sounds like your friend is in denial.
She won't listen to you until she's ready.
I'm sure we all hope that by that time it's not too late.

LadyDee

I've been watching this thread OP for an update - please tell us you have been onto Social Services by now.

ThemeOne

I agree, reporting to Social Services is probably the only way now. It can be done anonymously.

However, given how close you are to this family, and the way Social Services investigate these complaints, it's certainly possible the family will suspect it was you who reported them. So you have to be prepared for that fallout. Don't let it stop you - children's safety is at risk here - but just be ready for what may happen afterwards.

LadyDee

I just hope to goodness neither of these parents are ever allowed to work in domestic abuse support services - in their own way they are as bad as each other.

smallandcute

Thank you all for the replies, sorry I am onlu just getting back to you. Been a crazy few days.



Yes ss have now been contacted. Another family member told me that eldests childs school had raised concerns a couple of times about childs appearance.



I am close to Parent A but do not see or speak with Parent B. I am deeply concerned regarding my friendship and possibly loosing it, also as Parent A has told a couple of people the blame cannot fall soley at my feet. Also with school having previous concerns who is to say they didnt get wind of this? It will make it a lot harder for Parent A to blame this entirely on me eith no proof. SS has to keep it confidential after all.



Parent B dressing the children in dirty clothes etc happened when Parent A was working away but Parent 8 would regulary come to the children being in this state, sorry I should have made that clearer.

Pollycat

smallandcute wrote: »

Thank you all for the replies, sorry I am onlu just getting back to you. Been a crazy few days.



Yes ss have now been contacted. Another family member told me that eldests childs school had raised concerns a couple of times about childs appearance.



I am close to Parent A but do not see or speak with Parent B. I am deeply concerned regarding my friendship and possibly loosing it, also as Parent A has told a couple of people the blame cannot fall soley at my feet. Also with school having previous concerns who is to say they didnt get wind of this? It will make it a lot harder for Parent A to blame this entirely on me eith no proof. SS has to keep it confidential after all.



Parent B dressing the children in dirty clothes etc happened when Parent A was working away but Parent 8 would regulary come to the children being in this state, sorry I should have made that clearer.

When you think about the alternative i.e. saying and doing nothing, I'd say that even if Parent A did stop being friends with you at least you know you've helped to (hopefully) safeguard those children from harm and danger.


I hope your friend is getting help with her mental health issues.