Failed Marriage with 3 kids

untoldstory77

I am going to try to note down my journey the best I can however please forgive me for the manner it will be structured...
I am 5 years older than my wife at 35 and my wife 40.We have been married for 8 years and have 3 children - 7girl, 5 girl, 2 boy
In all honesty from the the moment I met my wife, our relationship has always has had many serious troubles to deal with.!Many of these troubles /challenges clouded our judgements when getting to know each other and therefore I think we made the wrong decision to when we decided to marry.
I met my wife through a mutual friend when she was going through a really bad time with her 2nd x husband.
A little history -My wife had been married three times prior to me meeting her.First time she got married was via a long term university boyfriend. The wedding was more of a formality due to her ex husbands religious background and therefore she never considered this a real marriage but more to fulfil her husbands religious requirements.They had a good understanding/relationship however split up due to my wife being very argumentative and I believe she regrets her mistakes snd has never gotten over her first husband.
2nd husband was a massive mistake. Her mother had tried to commit suicide at the time due to her own troubles and it was soon after she split up with her first husband that she found her 2nd husband . She hardly got to know her 2nd husband and married with only the sense of wanting to be with someone.He turned out to be a wife beater and controlled her every move and breath. Within 6 months of the marriage she fell pregnant and at 3 months of the pregnancy she experienced her first physical abuse.Without too much details over a space of 6 years and another child, he controlled her every movement, from who she spoke to, where she went, stopped her going to work, finances and any desires he expected. She was also cut off from seeing her own family and friends.He physically beat her many times during those years as well.!
After 6 years and seeing the impact on her kids, she finally got the courage to leave her husband.Her husband, even after leaving, made it very difficult for her for the next couple of years from child custody to manipulation, to turning authorities against her.He even played the children against their uncles by getting them to make false allegations about their uncles sexually abusing the children - Proven innocent at the end of it.
Third Husband was someone who was 25years older than her and someone who was recommended to her to help with children custody situation.!As she had no support network, she trusted this man who also knew her x.The man emotionally blackmailed her when she was already at her lowest point in life, he used it to his own predatory gain.This lasted for 3 months which is when she left him.
I met her a few months after that.
My background - Only child, not been married before and never had an actual long term relationship prior to meeting her or any children.!I hadn't had many relationships before meeting her (out of choice) and would go as far as saying I was inexperienced with dealing with a long term relationship.I have always been a sociable person and generally get along with all.!
My wife is highly academically intelligent and even though she had been through a lot I fell for, what I thought at the time , was a soft natured personality that had been taken advantage of multiple times.I spent the next 9 months getting to know her and in this time she was dealing with child care issues with her 2nd husband and still getting over all that she had experienced in the all the years of her 2nd marriage.!
Her husband, 6 months into our relationship, abducted her children and took them abroad.This also added to stress and grief she had gone through.!I believed I could save her, relift her and be someone finally that was genuine and would actually take care and cherish her, as she deserved.
At the time I did not look into it but looking back, she didn't really get to know me at all but she always said at that time I was everything she was always been looking for...
Prior to our marriage I did question a few times if we were right for each other to get married and I did recognise she had a lot of anger problems which were starting to show, however I guess due to the intense journey I had joined her on, inexperience and a natural sense of loyalty I suppressed my thoughts.I even advised her of what I felt were my flaws/weaknesses and where we may have issues with compatibility but she promised me that I was everything she wanted and she would never allow us to get into an area like we are in now...
Without going into too much detail it has been a very challenging and naturally distressing journey to date for my wife.Her Kids are still abducted and she has not seen or spoken to them for 6 years now.!
We have had three beautiful children since marriage and we have tried to maintain a marriage that I believe was never well suited to each other.I feel we both are genuine people who want the best for their children and themselves but we are just too different to each other.!We have many core differences and we constantly argue.My wife is professionally and academically more clever than myself.!I always feel undermined and she constantly challenges most of my decisions.!I have allowed my wife in the last 8 years to have free reign to most of the decisions required in life (not a good trait, I inherited it from my family and up bringing).I have hardly ever said no to most things that my wife wants and if I do, she always challenges me in a manner that I end up always giving in.
In the last 7 years we are constantly disagreeing and arguing over most things.She has started going for counselling on her own accord for the last few months however it is just getting worse.
Why I am here -!We recently had a big argument in the car in front of our kids and our eldest child was really impacted by it.She cried for the first time due to us arguing.
See the impact on her, I cannot continue to live life like this any more and I don't know what to do.We argue at least once a week for so many years now and I don't want this impacting our children any longer.!
We really are not compatible and we have remained like this for so long. I don't know how to leave and again always feel the guilt/sense of loyalty hence I stay with her and the kids.!
Our kids mean the world to us but this cannot be right for us and especially our kids.!
Over the last few years my anger during these arguments are getting worse and whilst I never would raise my hands, I can say some hurtful things by bringing up the past...
My wife has thrown things at me in the past and once I did threaten to leave her, she forced the garden door onto her arm...
I apologise again for the lack of structure of the above, my head is all over the place and I just want a happy life for my kids and ourselves.!
I do not believe my wife is a bad person at all.In fact I think she is the better person than the two of us, she is a very good mother, dedicated house wife and its a case that we are just two very different people.
I really do not know what to do as whilst we have allowed ourselves to live in a toxic marriage, I will not allow my children to experience this any longer...

Savvy_Sue

Have you thought of going for counselling as a couple? And for yourself?

UKTigerlily

I'd agree with trying come couples counselling/mediation, but if not, you have to consider what is best for the children, and that may be to split. My Brother & SIL have a terrible relationship that sounds similar, and has destroyed their kids, and I have suffered my whole adult life due to my Parents, in a very serious way, so for me, it's better apart than together

Skiddaw1

In view of her history I wonder if she's suffering from depression and/or PTSD? I don't think anyone could go through all that without it leaving a mark.


You obviously care deeply for her and for the children and it would be a shame to walk away without doing all you mutually can to work on your relationship first. I agree with Savvy Sue- counselling could be the way forward. I'd find a quiet time to sit down with her, raise your concerns (in a non-confrontational manner) and suggest the two of you agree a way forward. If she won't consider it then perhaps you have to accept it's the end of the road.



Good luck

Primrose

I can't help wondering why anybody wouldn,t stop and pause before marrying somebody who has already been married three times before but thats beyond the scope of your question.

Somewhere along the way you and your wife seem to have lost the ability to communicate in a non confrontational way and as others have suggested, I think counselling would be helpful to ypu. It may not come up with immediate answers to your dilemmas but in the end only the two of you can do that. The involvement of a neutral third party may open up a new way of approaching things for you both.

It's always sad when children end up being the innocent scapegoats for unwise decision made by their parents.

In the meantime can you not agree to sit down and have a quiet rational discussion out of the hearing of your children whenever you start to disagree? Neither of you would give them poisonous food to eat or infected water to drink yet the very family air they're breathing is made toxic by your constant rows and disagreements. Surely you and your wife can see that this will impact on their mental health through the rest of their childhood and iNto adulthood as well.

If you can't both keep your arguments under control it would seem one of you must leave.

Have you ever thought of undergoing some assertiveness training?. It seems your wife is unable to recognise your good qualities and is using her higher education to constantly override you and overrule you. I think you need to be able to stand your ground and perhaps have the courage to suggest that she in turn needs to address her increasing anger management issues. These may well have developed or worsened as a result of her earlier marriage abuses but she surely needs to understand that all they are doing, apart from undermining your marriage is to perpetuate a volatile breeding ground for the next generation.

Unfortunately she's not in a position to influence the upbringing of her children from an earlier marriage which makes it more important that she nurtures the children your marriage has produced She may well have mental health issues which her GP might be able to help with but first she needs to be able to admit that all is not well and have the courage to admit that she needs some help and support. If you believe you are the superior educated or intellectual partner in a marriage that is not an easy admission to make.

Artytarty

Was this an arranged marriage? It's just that you say you feel you were never really suited to each other and your wife came into it with unresolved issues.