Alcohol Woes

Both_Feet_on_Terra_Firma

OK so I have had concerns about my partner for a while he likes a drink doesnt go to the pub but if at friends ,holiday or indoors he cannot seem to stop once he starts there is no cut off point if i mention anything it turns into a row and he can become quite aggressive smashing my phone and just being generally vile towards me but unable to remember the next day yesterday for example he drank 2 bottles of strong red wine then became quite belligerent and aggressive saying hurtful things this is not every week but at least once a month I am not sure how to tackle this we have been together over 25 years he doesnt think he has a problem but has admitted he would feel uncomfortable if there was no alcohol in the house any advice x

Primrose

Well why not pour all the alcohol in the house down the drain as a test and then see how he behaves.

If he flips, he's an alcoholic, albeit a functioning one for most of the time, even if he refuses to admit this, it's time for the two of you the two to sit down and have a very serious discussion about how he deals with it, whether he's prepared to acknowledge it and the effect this is having on your marriage.

The reality is that if he's not prepared and ready to admit he's got a problem there is little you can do to change his ways but Alcoholics Anonymous will have some advice and support for close relatives affected by alcoholic behaviour and you will probably find some valuable support from this source.

Both_Feet_on_Terra_Firma

Without a shadow of a doubt he would flip so i wouldn't even start to do this as i couldn't cope with the fall out I will try to talk to him as i have done before but he is in denial and says there is not an issue and as he doesnt drink daily i am over reacting i don't know what else to do

Pollycat

Both_Feet_on_Terra_Firma wrote: »

Without a shadow of a doubt he would flip so i wouldn't even start to do this as i couldn't cope with the fall out I will try to talk to him as i have done before but he is in denial and says there is not an issue and as he doesnt drink daily i am over reacting i don't know what else to do

Until he stops being in denial and admits he has a problem, there is nothing you can do.
Unfortunately.

[Deleted User]

Whilst he's in denial there's nothing you can do for him. Talking to him again isn't going to change anything if he isn't ready to listen and accept that he is showing the classic hallmarks of an alcoholic. The only person you can help at the moment is yourself. Do you really want to be walking on egg shells wondering when he's going to have a drink and flip out again?

AA produced this for people living with an alcoholic, you might find it useful.

Is there an alcoholic in your life?

Retireby40

Hello OP.

Do you have any children in the marriage? Or have they grown up and moved on?

For sure you sound like you have an alcoholic on your hands and while it is a functioning one it isn't something you want.

Many say but I go to work and earn money and pay my bills. It isn't normal sitting in the house drinking that much alone. 1 or 2 not bad.

goodwithsaving

Having lived with an alcoholic and the verbal abuse and nastiness that goes with it, I'm afraid I wouldn't allow myself to be put through it again. 25 years is a long time, but so is the rest of your life.

tealady

Leave
The only person who can help an addict is the addict themselves IMO.

ska_lover

Both_Feet_on_Terra_Firma wrote: »

OK so I have had concerns about my partner for a while he likes a drink doesnt go to the pub but if at friends ,holiday or indoors he cannot seem to stop once he starts there is no cut off point if i mention anything it turns into a row and he can become quite aggressive smashing my phone and just being generally vile towards me but unable to remember the next day yesterday for example he drank 2 bottles of strong red wine then became quite belligerent and aggressive saying hurtful things this is not every week but at least once a month I am not sure how to tackle this we have been together over 25 years he doesnt think he has a problem but has admitted he would feel uncomfortable if there was no alcohol in the house any advice x

I am really sorry to read this.

There is some great advice above and i don't think I can give any better than already said as im not really qualified (i mean I havent been in this kind of situation)

It does sound like you have already raised it with him and if he doesn't see the issue

You dont need to put up with this. You really don't

flanker6

The frequency of his drinking doesn't suggest that he is an alcoholic. Once a month binge sessions are not the alcoholic norm.


His behaviour whilst drunk seems to be the real cause of the issues.
What happens if you go to bed and leave him drink?
Does he get abusive towards other people if he drinks in company?


It sounds like a personality disorder . . . but I'm unsure if he's an alcoholic.

Primrose

Both_Feet_on_Terra_Firma wrote: »

Without a shadow of a doubt he would flip so i wouldn't even start to do this as i couldn't cope with the fall out I will try to talk to him as i have done before but he is in denial and says there is not an issue and as he doesnt drink daily i am over reacting i don't know what else to do

Sadly somebody can still be an alcoholic even if they have days when they don't drink. It,s the addictiveness when they DON'T Drink but still need the assurance net of having it in the hiuse that should be an equal warning signal and the sense of neediness or panic that is triggered when a cache of if it is not close at hand.

If your husband won,t recognise that this is now proving a red alert in the security of your marriage this also ought to act as a danger signal.

I would seriously start thinking about how you would plan an alternative life without him and slowly start putting some financial plans in place. One would hope it won't come to this and that he will see sense but you may not feel so impotent if you start taking control of your own life, even if you can't influence his. Open up a bank account of your own, an ISA which will be in your own name or even Premium Bonds and start mentally walking through the steps needed to lead a separate life.

You say disposing of his booze stash at home would trigger a monumental outburst. I suggest that this might bring home to him the depths of your concern about his alcoholic behaviour when your previous entreaties haven,t worked.

If he can't/won't realise that this is a desperate measure of yours when all other attempts to bring the issue to the table for discussion have failed, this probably tells you all you need to know about his prospective determination to avoid addressing the issue.

Not want you want to hear but written from the perspective of somebody who had an alcoholic relative who eventually ended dying because of his addiction.