Am I expecting too much?

flanker6

Thanks for all replies

Comms69

Your son is now 24? Perhaps old enough to a serious discussion about why things ended, without any blame being attributed of course.


Your daughter could be a bit trickier, but perhaps again an explanation would help.

flanker6

Comms69 wrote: »

Your son is now 24? Perhaps old enough to a serious discussion about why things ended, without any blame being attributed of course.


Your daughter could be a bit trickier, but perhaps again an explanation would help.

Yeah, an explanation would be great but I have no way of initiating contact with her other than via my son.


I can ask and see if she's receptive to a conversation.

Comms69

flanker6 wrote: »

Yeah, an explanation would be great but I have no way of initiating contact with her other than via my son.


I can ask and see if she's receptive to a conversation.

Start with your son. DONT ask him to pass anything on. This is an explanation to him; if he then chooses to, he can talk to his sister

maman

As it's obviously bothering you then I think I'd try a one off conversation with your son. Just ask him if he could tell you how he views what's happened. He might tell you that (for example) he's disappointed that you left his mum for another woman. I'd just respond by telling him simply and briefly that there are two sides to every story and that you believe you dealt as fairly as you could with his mum (eg. the huge financial imbalance) and that the relationship wasn't happy for either of you so that longer term it's probably the best thing.

Then I'd leave it as I really don't think giving him chapter and verse on all the ins and outs will help. you'd be guilty of what your ex has probably done trying to get the children on her side.

Your son may not be ready to discuss it so if he says no then don't push it, he might come around in time.

As and when you are able to just put it into your son's head that you're not the 100% guilty party the he might choose to discuss it with his sister.

Personally I wouldn't push it. Enjoy the relationship you have including with your new partner. Hopefully things will get better with time.

Skiddaw1

I agree with the above.



If son doesn't want to talk about it back off. Just make sure the door is still open to both of them. What goes around comes around and I think it's quite likely that at some point your daughter will want to have a relationship with you.

[Deleted User]

I'm really surprised that as they are now adults they cannot see things from both sides tbh.


My view will go against the grain here but I think that to instill some normality to your emotional wellbeing you should leave them to come to you if they wish. At the moment they are making no effort at all so I would get on with your life and concentrate on your healthy relationship with your new loving partner.


My thoughts are that you should write a heartfelt letter to each child explaining the situation and that the door is open anytime for them and leave it at that. When they have partners of their own they may understand how its not possible to be in a toxic relationship. It also may thaw when mum gets a new partner and isn't so bitter towards you.


Good luck its never nice

onwards&upwards

I think you’re in denial. You did cheat, and you did leave for another woman.

Why should your kids forgive you if you won’t even admit it at you did something wrong?

flanker6

onwards&upwards wrote: »

I think you’re in denial. You did cheat, and you did leave for another woman.

Why should your kids forgive you if you won’t even admit it at you did something wrong?

I'm not denying that I did something wrong. I obviously acknowledged this and explained that I felt guilt for my actions, hence the imbalance in the divorce settlement.

onwards&upwards

flanker6 wrote: »

I'm not denying that I did something wrong. I obviously acknowledged this and explained that I felt guilt for my actions, hence the imbalance in the divorce settlement.

But you didn’t even admit in your post that you were wrong, it’s all excuses and rationalising, do you not think you need to take a bit more responsibility?

Your adult children are under absolutely no obligation to have anything to do with you, you need to earn their respect back somehow.

maman

Nobody leaves a marriage /relationship unless there's something wrong and it's rare that the 'fault' is all on one side. Just because it was OP that made the first move to leave doesn't mean it's all his fault.