Contact with dad

Octobergirl

Any advice / opinions would be much appreciated, I can't see wood for the trees.....

Backstory, we separated over 2.5 years ago, currently waiting for divorce to come through. My decision. 2 children 10 & 14. 14 year old is disabled, wheelchair user, can't walk/talk/feed self, needs 1-1 care, but cognitively bright, fully aware, just trapped in body that doesn't work.

Ex has best of intentions, can be great. However he is unable to execute. He finds it hard to organise, plan, see things from others point of view or cope with change to plans. Also highly stressed/anger when under pressure (I think poss adult ADHD).

For first 2 years I positively encouraged relationship with their dad as relationships between them had completely broken down due to his emotional impact on them. I invited him to see them at family home / have meals with kids for 18 months. Relationships more positive but he has continued to remain inconsistent with them.

He now has girlfriend, which I'm delighted about, hoping she will be positive influence. However, they still don't want to go out with him. He still manages to say all the wrong things, the kids get upset, he expects me to help him sort them out. They go off crying/upset each time. He thinks they have wonderful time, he just doesn't read their body language or get them.

I'm so frustrated. Every pick up is stressful. I want them to have a relationship with him, but need to find a way for it to be successful. They point bank refuse to sleepover at his, and this morning I forced them to go when they repeatedly said they didn't want to.

I'm struggling with how much say they should have. Should I just take a step back and let them get on with it? Wondering whether I should drop them off to him to avoid all the stress?

Can anyone share what they do to make it a successful transition?

ska_lover

I would have a family meeting - you, him, kids.

Get them to have their say, assure them to assert themselves in a safe environment as people don't have to agree with each others points to love and respect each other

Get the kids to tell him what the issues are

But at the end of the day, I would not force them to go (sorry if that is unpopular) but I would want the Dad to hear it from the kids - if he doesn't then you, as Mum, could end up looking like the bad guy

You arent there to please everyone, your role is to keep your kids safe and happy

POPPYOSCAR

I agree with the above.

I would also include his girlfriend as she needs to come on board or the children will never be happy.

You sound like a great mum well done for thinking of the children here and not yourself.

I hope you can resolve the situation.

CakeCrusader

Contact is always for the benefit of the children, never the parents. If your children are unhappy then you have to listen, they need consistent parenting from both of you or it will just make them more upset and confused, and it will make your life harder. In my experience the NRP likes to show their new partner what a wonderful parent they are, so are really enthusastic about contact, for a while. Contact dwindles, they cancel, they stop making arrangements. If you've already spoken to your ex about the upset that he's causing to your children then you need to take a step back I'm afraid. It's not your job to be pro-active, it's your job to support your children. At 10 and 14 they will understand what's happening and they need you to back them up.

Mojisola

Octobergirl wrote: »

Backstory, we separated over 2.5 years ago, currently waiting for divorce to come through. My decision. 2 children 10 & 14. 14 year old is disabled, wheelchair user, can't walk/talk/feed self, needs 1-1 care, but cognitively bright, fully aware, just trapped in body that doesn't work.

Ex has best of intentions, can be great. However he is unable to execute. He finds it hard to organise, plan, see things from others point of view or cope with change to plans. Also highly stressed/anger when under pressure (I think poss adult ADHD).

He now has girlfriend, which I'm delighted about, hoping she will be positive influence. However, they still don't want to go out with him. He still manages to say all the wrong things, the kids get upset, he expects me to help him sort them out. They go off crying/upset each time. He thinks they have wonderful time, he just doesn't read their body language or get them.

I'm so frustrated. Every pick up is stressful. I want them to have a relationship with him, but need to find a way for it to be successful. They point bank refuse to sleepover at his, and this morning I forced them to go when they repeatedly said they didn't want to.

His relationship with his children is something he needs to make work - it's not down to you to sort it out. It sounds as if you've already gone above and beyond what many parents would do

I think the children are old enough to have a say whether they spend time with him or not. I wouldn't put them in the position of having to say to his face that they don't like spending time with him.

If he can come up with some ideas that the children are willing to go along with, fine, encourage them to give it a try.

Octobergirl

Thanks for your replies. Our parenting differences were my reason to end the marriage. You're totally right Mojisolo, I've been doing it for him too long, I was scared that they would be emotionally damaged without a father in their lives, but this situation isn't any better at the moment.

Cakecrusader - I'm hoping his new girlfriend makes him interact with them better, even if it's to slowly fade away over time! Your scenario is almost preferable to what's happening now.

KxMx

Unfortunately his relationship with them is not in your power to control.

I think you should listed to your children and pass their specific upsets on to him. He can then decide himself what to do, how he reacts isn't your problem.

Also ask them if they would like you to do the drop off, whether that would make spending time with Dad easier.

Very much be led by them and less by your ideas about how things should be.

Toomuchdebt

Octobergirl wrote: »

They point bank refuse to sleepover at his, and this morning I forced them to go when they repeatedly said they didn't want to.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh but I'm also a single mum and had various issues with my ex.

What will it take for them to make you listen? They don't want to go and you are forcing them. In what way do you think this will improve their relationship? They're old enough to say no and they're telling you they don't want to go. Listen to them. It sounds like they get nothing out of visiting their dad at all. Relying on a new girlfriend is unfair to both her and your kids. I would say it's more damaging that you are forcing them to go and ignoring them. They're not 2 anymore... Perhaps suggest they take a break for a few weeks and see how they feel after that.

Marvel1

If kids say no to school? Do you not take them, no, thought not, this is no different.

ska_lover

Marvel1 wrote: »

If kids say no to school? Do you not take them, no, thought not, this is no different.

It is extremely different

Forcing kids into a relationship with someone they don't seem to want to see? Do you see how damaging that may be? Not only for the kids and their relationship with father, but for the kid/mother relationship

Not the same as instilling a life long education and is a legal requirement

No, not at all, I am afraid