Advice for Stressed-out dad

GunJack

Not really money-saving, but any advice appreciated......

Life is pretty stressful at the mo. New job, relocated, new house, a combination of factors all contributing, and the kids (9 and 6, boys) are really not helping matters with their behaviour. Won't go to bed and sleep, me & dw are dead on our feet, have no couple time. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my temper really badly with the kids as they're treating us with no respect and think they can get away with murder at the moment. I'm geting to the end of my tether, but don't want to lose the plot as it will only make matters worse. Just want a happy family which'll help make all the other worries seem less important....help !!

hobo28

Is there anything which has triggered their behaviour or have they always been a handful and your feeling it more after the move? Do you and your wife agree where the problems are and share the same views on discipline?

I have 4 kids all under the age of 11 and some days I have to call in air strikes from NATO to sort things out! Kids will be kids! That said overall they are all good and I trust them to behave when the time comes.

The principles I try to follow are:

1) Give praise when its deserved (Carrot)
2) Give a rollocking when its deserved (Stick)
3) Give one warning then punish (unless its violence)
4) Always present a united front in front of kids (even if we then go and have a huge row after!)
5) Stick to a routine. eg. Bedtime is 7.30pm weeknights for the younger ones and 8.30pm weekends. This never changes. Give in once or pander to their moaning and it all ends in chaos. We do vary it if we are out etc. but its the parent who decides.

All easier said than done I know. There have been days I've locked myself away and turned the music up. Days when I've just frankly given in for the easy life. Its times like that where the other parent can hopefully keep order whilst you collect yourself back together!

Overall as long as you both agree, be consistent, stick to your guns and don't let them divide & conquer you then you'll be fine.

cobbingstones

Fantastic advice hobo.

OP remember its been a huge change for them too. Try and follow the above advice, and if it all gets too much blast up the radio and go into the garden for ten mins to cool down.

Try your best to follow routines to the letter and stick together on rule making and any punishments that you agree to give.

Good luck and it will get easier xx

MM

cazziebo

Doesn't some study say that moving house and job are two of the biggest stress factors?

your boys are at a particularly boisterous age so maybe this is their way of coping with the change. What about you all take a day out as a family? Do something energetic - we used to go to a place called laserquest which was good fun. Or just an adventurous walk in the woods, we'd call it going on a bear hunt. Give yourselves some space and time to be a family away from the stressful situation.

Hope it all calms down, and in the meantime, look after yourself too!

GunJack

thanks guys for all this. Most of these things we're trying to do, but without the cooperation of the little people !! Found some good stuff last night on the NSPCC site which helped too, so will try and have a calmer house all ways round...

ckerrd

Make sure you have some time for yourself too.

This maybe leaving the house 5 minutes earlier or talking a longer route home but give yourself time to breathe.

Set simple targets not huge unachievable ones.

Everything in little steps, and as has been said already make sure you and DW agree what you are doing and have that united front.

hobo28

GunJack wrote: »

thanks guys for all this. Most of these things we're trying to do, but without the cooperation of the little people !! Found some good stuff last night on the NSPCC site which helped too, so will try and have a calmer house all ways round...

Good luck. Just remember that at first things will get worse before they get better as the kids will push their new boundaries and try every trick in the book. My youngest used to literally headbutt the floor if she didn't get her own way. Sounds harsh but I just left her to it since I knew the self inflicted pain would make her stop! :P Took a few weeks but she learned that headbutting the floor hurts and wasn't working!

You might see little improvements but you need to keep the new status quo going permanently. Don't slack off but above all make sure you and your OH stick together! Without that co-operation your job is 200% harder.

lynzpower

Agreed with Hobos excellent advice.

Also- are they at the age where they are missing thier old freinds & life? If possible, arrange phone calls ( limited time, in a routine) to thier old freinds if they are not of MSN age Or send letters.

Savvy_Sue

You could also try talking to them - perhaps especially the older one. If you can spend some time with each one alone and ask how they are, if they're OK at school, if they're missing their friends etc. You can then go on to say that you and mum are also missing friends, the old house / neighbourhood etc, and say that you would ALL feel better / happier if they would do x, y or z - go to bed and stay there, for example! Even if they don't sleep ...

Obviously this works better for some children than for others. But I do believe that we sometimes expect our children to read our minds.

And what do you mean by 'not cooperating'? I know our eldest was a nightmare for taking out - if he didn't enjoy something (and there were very few things he did enjoy!) he would keep up a litany of "This is boring. I'm bored." Which the younger two would pick up on and also repeat. Eventually I would just tell him beforehand "I know you're not going to enjoy this. I'm not asking you to. I'm just asking you to keep your feelings to yourself while we're out so that your brothers have a chance to enjoy it. Bring your book and we'll find a quiet corner for you to sit in!" I did resent paying good money to get into things which he 'ought' to have enjoyed, only for him to sit reading, but it was better than the "I'm bored" litany. But then, DS1 is an Aspie and can't pretend!

GunJack

thanks all for your advice and encouragement. Had a much better day today, just need to try and get my sleep back on track too which would help loads...hey ho, monday morning and work in 6 hours.....