Advice on being harassed for extra money

Secondwifeblues

I have been with my husband for 11 years. Married for 7. His ex wife has made our lives very difficult and not a week goes by without some drama. In all his time my H has paid maintance. If not the CSA recommend payment, at many times, more. For many years I earned more money and so subsidized these extras. My H has been unemployed several times due to redundancy and in those times has either continued to pay the full amount or a lower rate, but never, not paid. Where possible, I would help. I have adult children who live abroad and also at times need money or I save up to go and visit them every 2 years. This year we both lost our jobs but H continued to pay her the same amount he was before losing his job. Luckily I found work and he has decided to change career due to having lost his job so many times over the last few years. However, it pays a lot less than before. Due to this his CSA payments have dropped. And now all hell has been let loose (again) with his ex. We have just returned from a trip to see my children. Unknown to me while we were away my H was being text by his ex and her partner. In fact his phone has hundreds of texts from her demanding more money. (This has been an on going theme for 11 years)! On collecting his children yesterday my husband was verbally attacked by both of them in front of the children and basically has been accused of not paying enough but taking holidays instead. Her partner is maintaining he subsides the children and shouldn't. But they feel I need to step up and help my H to pay more than the CSA recommends. As I had just returned from seeing my family and being accused of living a luxurious life while his children go without, has made me incredibly angry. I have had enough of the situation. They feel he should be contributing to their mortgage because he has a 30% share as a charge on the house even though the mortgage is on her and her partners name. They called the cattery this week where my cat was to get a quote on how much it cost and has thrown that in our faces as to them needing the money more. I paid for it, my cat, my money! They have had my H car valued....and used this to say he shouldn't have bought the car (5k car...) and we should be car sharing even though our jobs are in opposite directions. I have put up with a lot over the last few years but feel that it is time to make a stand as the situation is getting ridiculous and I have had enough of the constant harassment. How can we make this stop? Can we get some legal advice to get them to stop harassing us? When will enough be enough? Is he really liable to pay towards the mortgage as they claim? If he is paying what the CSA says can she claim more?

asdf1982

Tell them to go through the CMS and they will just take the right amount.

antrobus

Read this;
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/taking-action-about-discrimination/taking-action-about-harassment/

Jessy07

He could call CMS and make an application to pay child maintenance. They will do an assesment based on him income only. Or have a look at the child maintenance calculator https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance.

Secondwifeblues

Thanks for the reply. We are going through them because she got them involved many years ago when she believed she wasn't getting enough money. So she actually was being over paid and the amount got reduced. Now that his wages have dropped significantly she says that the CMS doesn't matter. It was ok when she needed to prove something but now she says they don't recommend enough. We will not be paying her a penny more and have decided to rather give both girls the additonal money directly into their bank accounts. They are teenagers and if their mum wants to take money off of them then its her bad. My hubby is then still taking care of his girls and they can use that money to buy clothing, go out and any school lunches or days out with friends which is one of her issues. We won't pay her a penny over what the CMS or CMA states. So he will be paying what she asks only his girls will get the difference. I think thats fair.

Secondwifeblues

Thank you for the reply. Hubby will be replying that we no longer will receive any abusive texts or behaviour when fetching them and this will no longer tolerated. We will be taking action if we get given any further abuse. She us petrified of the police so hopefully this will stop. If not we will definitely be opening a case of harrassment. Our only concern is upsetting the girls. Not sure how they will feel knowing we got their Mum in trouble because they are not aware of the continous texting that has been going on. The pick up with all the verbal abusr upset them terribly and although my husband remained calm throughout thr children have asked that it doesn't happen again. It wasn't him that did it. So I do feel as if they side with their Mum and she is poisoning them into thinking we are creating this drama. We have tried to disengage, hubby even stayed in the car becauae he knew it would escalate. But they wouldn't let the girls out until he came to the door when it all kicked off. But he has been made to be the bad guy in all this. But yes, this is pure harrassment and bullying. The most shocking part.....she is a school teacher. It begs belief. So much for teaching anti bullying and then being one!

elsien

If they are teenagers, why do you need to pick them up from the door if it creates such drama? If it's too far for them to make their own way to yours, meet them somewhere else. End of the street, local cafe, wherever.

It takes two to argue so don't engage and don't have the debate. Broken record technique - " I'm just hear to pick up the girls, I'm not going to engage about anything else."

Secondwifeblues

Thank you we do go through the CMS but she wants hubby to take a better paying job like he had before. She honestly believes he has purposefully taken a lower paying job so she gets less. She is busy planning her wedding so I am assuming she has made certain commitments and now that the money has dropped her dream wedding is slipping away! Her point being that hubby is 100% responsible for their up keep including in her calculations that hr should be paying for their part of the mortgage! She doesn't realise that if he puts £260 in the pot then she puts £260 in the pot....its not just down to him. And I can assure you there is no way the girls cost her over £500 a month. They only wear hand me downs, she gives them £50 in the summer and £50 in the winter to buy new clothing. They are only allowed to eat 3 meals a day no snacking and have never received pocket money. She doesn't work full time and also gets all the extras that comes with that. Ch1 is in college and works weekends and Ch2 is in senior school so no reason not to work full time. She is bitter and filled with resentment and it has turned her into a nasty person who has become obsessed with making our lives as difficult as possible. After 11 years she still tries to control my hubby, is constantly checking what we are doing, where we are or what the kids are eating. Their mobile phones are also filled with constant texting from her when they are here and if something is not to her liking i.e. we had a lazy day watching netflix or never ate enough vegetables my hubby gets grief on the Sunday night after they leave. I am utterly exhausted by it all.

Secondwifeblues

Yes we are considering having a friend pick them up in the future and meeting us somewhere. Unfortunately my hubby is too soft and nice and has tried to do the right thing for many years but instead has created a monster! She knows exactly how to manipulate him by using the girls as bait i.e. not letting them leave the house to meet us and making him have to go to the door to want to have a fight. In hindsight we should have driven away without the girls knowing they were not going to be let out until they both verbally attacked him and turned the pick up into a Jerry Kyle show. I will say one thing hubby was calm, never engaged but stood as they unloaded a tirade of abuse and name calling for 10 minutes while he kept asking them to just let the girls come out. This is is problem though. They think because he doesn't react its ok to behave like this. Guess what its the girls that I feel the saddest about this weekend. Everyone has been in tears all weekend. Their Mum has been texting them non stop since.

meer53

The girls are old enough to know the situation, Get your OH to sit them down and explain it, then they can make up their own minds. It's better they have both sides than carry on believing what their Mum feeds them.

Kim_kim

It comes across that you both allow her opinions and demands too much credence.
It’s none of her business what jobs you are in, what holidays you have, what car you drive, or if you board your cat!
Seriously you should both be saying that - “not interested in your opinion, it’s none of your business”.
I thought the CSA did a money collection service where they did an assessment and money collection and transfer for warring parents - can’t you use that & then refuse to discuss money with her?