How to survive this?

Sally_jenkins

Hello. My mother died in June, aged 90. She lived alone and her will left me and my sister as joint Executor and Beneficiaries. Shortly after my mother died, my sister moved into the house in a woeful state, she also said I wasn't allowed in. We (my husband and I), waited until after the funeral and asked again and were refused again. I have not been permitted to see any paperwork relating to the estate and when I try to suggest I need to see it, she suggests that I don't trust her.
My sister wants a solicitor to deal with the probate etc. My husband and I do not think it is necessary, on the contrary, we consider it a waste of money and will devalue the estate (everything sold to an auctioneer etc). My sister has latterly said she will pay for the solicitor but has objected to me notifying the solicitor of this.
She has also said that she will pay for the broadband in the house because she plans to stay there 'for a while'. I have tried to broach the issue of the remaining bills but when I try to raise it, she literally starts wailing and says she did everything for my mum while she was alive (she lived 450 miles away and visited 4 times a year while I visited weekly).
It is all feeling so fraught. She has never been particularly stable and she cannot afford to lose money or family at this stage so I want to help her as much as possible but she just seems to be taking advantage of me at every stage.
I am looking for general advice. What can I practically do to try to make her understand the house is a joint asset and not her 'free rent' second home? While protecting what's left of our relationship?
Can I insist on contacting the solicitor to inform them of our agreement regarding the payment of legal fees? Can I insist some of the more valuable items in the house are sold away from the auction to try to raise extra funds?
I understand probate is taking a long time and we haven't even begun the process of applying yet. The solicitor has only just been instructed. Do we need to keep everything in the house until after probate? My sister is saying I cannot take some items we agreed I can have from the house, although she has already told me she has sent items she wants to her home address.
I feel at my wits end.
Any help/suggestions gratefully received.
PS - this follows on from another thread where I was just writing in tiny sections to try to keep things brief but that just made it confusing.

badger09

I really think you should re post this - with some paragraphs to make it easier to read - on your original thread. Otherwise, people will be asking questions which you may:cool: already have answered.

You were going to see a solicitor. What advice were you given? Have you acted on it?

Sally_jenkins

Oh goodness, sorry...I will try to repost.
We went to decide on a solicitor and that has happened but we didn't get into the specifics of the issues we have. It's taken until this morning for her to decide on the solicitor she wants to use. I feel thoroughly manipulated because whenever I try to speak level headedly about the issues, she starts crying or screaming or tells me this is not the time/place to discuss stuff. So yes, we went, but we didn't get as far as advice or acting on it. Sadly.

baza52

Sally_jenkins wrote: »

Oh goodness, sorry...I will try to repost.
We went to decide on a solicitor and that has happened but we didn't get into the specifics of the issues we have. It's taken until this morning for her to decide on the solicitor she wants to use. I feel thoroughly manipulated because whenever I try to speak level headedly about the issues, she starts crying or screaming or tells me this is not the time/place to discuss stuff. So yes, we went, but we didn't get as far as advice or acting on it. Sadly.

so when are you due to go back to get some advice

Keep_pedalling

Although you are appointing a solicitor you should not revoke or reserve your position as executor. It is unlikely that your idiot sister will agree that all the solicitors costs come out of her share alone, so you should make every effort to minimise the solicitors costs by doing as much of the work as possible.

Hopefully you have not agreed charges based on a percentage of the estate.

Savvy_Sue

Sally_jenkins wrote: »

It is all feeling so fraught. She has never been particularly stable and she cannot afford to lose money or family at this stage so I want to help her as much as possible but she just seems to be taking advantage of me at every stage.
I am looking for general advice. What can I practically do to try to make her understand the house is a joint asset and not her 'free rent' second home? While protecting what's left of our relationship?

the bit I've bolded: you realise it may not be possible? You realise that for your own sanity you may need to walk away from her?

Sally_jenkins wrote: »

Can I insist on contacting the solicitor to inform them of our agreement regarding the payment of legal fees? Can I insist some of the more valuable items in the house are sold away from the auction to try to raise extra funds?

You are BOTH executors, therefore the solicitor should speak to both of you. And you could ask that all instructions must be JOINT instructions, rather than either one of you giving instructions. But how can she prevent you from talking to the solicitor on your own? She can make a fuss afterwards, sure, but there is nothing to stop you doing it.

tyllwyd

Sally_jenkins wrote: »

... My sister wants a solicitor to deal with the probate etc. My husband and I do not think it is necessary, on the contrary, we consider it a waste of money and will devalue the estate (everything sold to an auctioneer etc). My sister has latterly said she will pay for the solicitor but has objected to me notifying the solicitor of this. ...

I don't understand why you think instructing a solicitor to deal with the probate will devalue the estate? There will be fees, obviously, but why would the solicitor insist that items should be sold cheaply? They will need an estimate of the value of the items to include in the probate accounts, but you could get a professional valuation and just carry on from there. Usually, if the only possessions are normal household furniture etc, there is no particular secondhand value.


I think you are being unreasonable refusing if your sister would prefer to have things done through a solicitor. If the fees come out of the estate, then assuming the inheritance is 50/50, then you will only effectively pay half each anyway. And if family relations are difficult, it's probably best to have a neutral third party looking after things.

xylophone

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?p=76284735#post76284735

It would have been better to continue with the existing thread.

We went to decide on a solicitor and that has happened but we didn't get into the specifics of the issues we have. It's taken until this morning for her to decide on the solicitor she wants to use.

Very well then - you have decided on a solicitor and as you are both executors, if you wish him to obtain probate (and his fees will not be cheap) then you must both instruct him.

There will still be work for you and your sister to do - you will need to give him details of all assets held in your mother's name and he may also require details of her late spouse's estate.

You might find it helpful to download copies of the IHT forms so that you can see the level of detail that is required.

It would be as well to get the property valued by a RICS surveyor.

If your mother owned valuable furniture/jewellery/antiques etc, these will also need to be valued.

The solicitor should be able to make it clear to your sister that

the house is a joint asset and not her 'free rent' second home.

nom_de_plume

Just a thought but is your sister in receipt of any benefits that may be affected by an inheritance?