Finally pulled my head out of the sand!

Rolacolapink

So, I’ve been a member of this forum for 10 years and finally this week I have plucked up the courage to admit to myself and my poor husband that I have credit card debts of £34k over many years and fallen behind with payments.

I cannot actually believe this is something I have done it’s such a bizarre feeling I feel like I’m taking about someone else - or dreaming it! What is wrong with me!

So just before I fessed to my husband who’s credit rating is absolutely perfect I contacted step change who then put me onto business debt line as I’m self employed. They have been amazing and made me feel confident I can deal with this problem by explaining all the options available to me.

Yes my husband was aghast with the news. His face went grey and my heart wrenched as I explained why I’m in the pickle I’m in. Basically just relying on debt to make up for income shortfalls and not budgeting - at all. He’s so good with money and supports us all, us and our two children. I do pay towards the bills but have also been working from home to ‘be there’ for our children essentially bringing them up like a stay at home mum but caring for other people’s children as well.

I explained to my husband what steps I am taking to deal with this debt (1) he and his finances/credit score will not be affected (2) I will repay the debt all by myself with a DMP (3) I will give him any ‘spare’ cash to put towards the household bills etc in addition to what i give him now (4) I will remove myself from our joint mortgage as we need to remortgage and my credit rating is trashed.

I’m absolutely mortified with what I have done, it has been showing for some time with skin rashes, short temper and we very rarely do anything together as a couple. I’m cross he didn’t notice any changes in my behaviour if I’m honest but obviously not the debt although we never talk about money. I just want to crawl into a hole anytime he broaches the subject. Don’t know how we will get through this he is quite rightly so so angry and not talking to me. I’m a strong person though and determined to pay off my problem with the satisfaction that I have achieved this at the end and budget like a pro going forwards.

Thank god there is help out there!

Big hugs to anyone else going through a similar situation - it’s bloody awful!

Socajam

I am sorry but I an with your husband on this. He is probably thinking that you have been lying to him all this time and you cannot be trusted.
There is nothing like debt to bring on anxiety and all the other issues connected to it.
Yes, you were working from home, but that does not give you the right to ring up such an enormous amount of debt that will directly affect your family life.
You may be a "stay at home mom" working from home, but your husband carries the heavy burden of the mortgage etc.
I can imagine what is going to through his head: if something where to happen to him, how would the family live, all valid questions.
I have lived with debt, trust me and that is something I promised myself never to have. I was working just to pay bills nothing else. You become demoralize with life etc.
He will eventually come around, but the onus is on you to prove yourself to him that you want to tackle this debt head on. If that means no holidays etc for the next 2-3 years, that is something you are going to have to determine whether it is worth doing.
I would say if you have no already, cook/bake everything from scratch - something I had to learn to do.
Learn to enjoy nature and take walks, trust me walking to me is the medicine that releases a lot of stress.
Let frugality become your best friend until such time that you can breathe a little bit.
I wish you good luck because you are going to need it until the debt is paid off and going forward.

Rolacolapink

Thanks for your reply. I totally agree about my husband, it’s crushing me. I’m strangely (given my financial situation) very frugal already by batch cooking meals, cooking from scratch etc. Walking has been a good thing, I walk our dog 3 times per day and all the fresh air is amazing for de-stressing. When I have DMP in place on Monday I will update my husband to show him again what I am doing and that I’m owning my mistake.

I don’t know what the future holds but I’m hoping for the best.

Louoffofsparkle

I want to comment on your post as someone who was in your situation last year but my total was £46k.
It came as a shock to my husband as well but I was at breaking point with my mental health so there was no time for not talking.

Getting a realistic plan in place is the first step. And then being totally honest about where the money went so you can make sure you don’t fall into the same behaviours.

How old are your children? Can you get a job in the evenings/weekend so you don’t need to pay for childcare? Next look at what you can sell to get some extra money in.

DancingInTheRain

Just wanted to wish you well, good luck with getting the DMP set up tomorrow.

Rolacolapink

My children are 10 & 12, I’m in a position where I’m working from home so no childcare fees to pay. After doing a soa I will manage the monthly payments to the DMP. I can do this, I’m a very determined person when i put my mind to something. Massive shame I let this happen but I’m really keen to repay this myself so my husband is not affected.

warby68

Good luck with getting to grips.

I just wonder if now you have told your husband you should just give it a little while before pressing the button on the DMP in case he prefers to get involved and look at your budget more on a joint basis. I know you want to fix it 100% yourself but not sure if it might just feel like something else you've done without him and you've said he is currently angry and not speaking to you.

A bit of time for the dust to settle or at least give him the option to review things before you commit ?

Obviously you know what stage you're at with him better but you do see threads where people have been building the problem for YEARS but once they have their moment, the urge to sort it within DAYS seems to kick in.

Rolacolapink

I don’t think he wants to get involved as he’s trying to sort our finances to build an extension on the house - something as much of our money needs ploughing into. Anything ‘spare’ will be going towards this. I’m self employed so will be looking to do extra work where possible. He’s started talking to me in parts. Tomorrow i need to not only set up the DMP I need to give my husband my credit report to forward to a mortgage advisor to see if i could still be on a remortgage or of i need removing so my husband holds the mortgage in his name only. I did consider getting all my earnings paid into our joint bank account instead of my business account but I cannot as one of the credit cards I hold is part of the same bank the joint account is with. Apparently the bank can take. £’s out of your account without permission. We don’t want that. So I have set up a basic bank account where my earnings will be ‘safe’.

beanielou

Happy shiny new diary

DebtFreeMonkey

Good luck with everything and though things aren't the best for you right now, good on you for owning and admitting your mistakes to your husband and yourself.

Rolacolapink

Thanks for the replies, any encouragement helps. It’s obviously not an ideal situation to be in and I’m surprised at how many people are affected by debt. When I look over the long list of credit card debts I have i actually feel quite angry that these financial institutions have continue to provide the credit to me...in the last few months I’ve had various messages from some of them telling me my credit limit is reduced due to information shared with credit reference agencies. So yeah that’s right I was struggling to make payments but why the hell did this not happen sooner. I’ve used some of these cards for years! Im not blaming them for my royally huge mess, I openly admit it’s all my doing however financial institutions need to look at the bigger financial picture for each customer and review it better!!
Anyway, I’m looking forward to getting the ball rolling tomorrow with a telephone appointment with StepChange to set up the DMP payments. It’s a step in the right direction.