Mother in Law cant cope at home anymore....Help!!

do_it_today!

Hi,
Mother in Law has been unwell with one thing and another for just under a year, she has also had a stroke a few years ago, broken shoulder and beaten bowl cancer, a heart condition and some other health issues- normally to see her you wouldnt have a clue she been through all this stuff. anyway to cut a long story short she has fallen and hit her head twice the last couple of weeks the last time was today/friday at home. She is only 76 - last week I saw her she was fine but today she looks 20 years older extremerly gaunt frail, cant walk and inconherent at times its really sad. The family have rallied round we suspect she may have a water infection but we fear she may have had a mild stroke too. Tonight she was taken to hospital the family feel she can no longer cope at home anymore and want to organise for her to go in a home as some live quite far and others dont have the capacity to give her 24/7 care she needs.
the agreed feeling is if she could have some respite care in a home for a few weeks to see how she feels.... then have organise something permenant.
we dont believe she would be eligible for funding or benefits as we think she has capital of over 21k and the family home 4 bed house which she lives in (no mortgage) and some shares??? so privatenursing care could be an option...
Until now she has resisted the idea of downsizing, moving in with daughter or the idea of a care home - she said she would consider sheltered housing but if she remains in the same condition as today that simply wont be an option....
Does anyone have experience of this situation or any advice on the options???

monkey22_2

I don't have very much experience of this but I wanted to send you a hug as I know its very stressful having to make these decisions.

In my case my grandmother decided to sell her house and move into sheltered accomodation. This way she kept her independance but had help on hand if she needed it. She also had friends there so she wasn't isolated and had money in the bank so she didn't have to worry about bills etc.

This worked for her but I appreciate it may not suit everyone.

poppycracker

Hi do it today.

I manage a sheltered housing complex, and the way your mother in law is at the moment, I would say that sheltered housing would be an option only if you could get either private or council care services (or family help)to help her with meals, medication and personal care. Sounds like a couple of weeks respite in a nursing home would be a good idea, she might improve to the stage that she could manage in a complex like this

hope you manage to sort something out, best wishes to you and your family, this will be a tough time. :grouphug:

Nenen

A friend of ours... well into his 80s and very frail but mentally alert was in a similar position. He worked out it would be much cheaper to pay for a live-in carer. By providing bed and board plus a smallish wage (I think about £100 per week) he got someone living in his house he could call upon for help and 4 hours 'care' a day. This was enough for him to have meals cooked, cleaning and shopping done, help with bathing etc.
Once your MIL is feeling a little better would that be an option for her?

geekgirl

I would organise this as soon as possible as you know how long these things can take. Visit lots of places to get a good idea of which you like. I think the respite care for a while may give her the time to come to terms with the idea of sheltered housing or a care home. It must be an anxious time for her with being ill and the prospect of everything changing dramatically.
When she recovers a little might really enjoy the company of others that shared areas give plus the privacy of their own rooms as well.
My Mum has lived in sheltered housing for the last 10 years and really likes it because there is always someone on call. She has had to use it in the past and it puts our minds at rest as well as hers that there is always someone available.
Big hugs for you.

Piggybanker

Sorry to hear your mother-in-law is unwell. Is she still in the hospital? If so there will be a Social Services team at the hospital available tomorrow morning who will be able to discuss with you all the available options, and the charging system for them. They will be able to help with finding and arranging whatever the most appropriate services are, if you would like them to, even if your mother-in-law eventually ends up paying full cost while her savings are above the threshold. Even if you would prefer to do this yourself, it might still be worth speaking to them as they will have contact details etc which will be useful to you. In addition they can liaise with medical staff, Occupational Therapists etc to ensure that appropriate assessments have been undertaken before your mother-in-law is discharged.

If she has already been discharged then there will be a local SS team who can offer the same assistance.

If you do end up looking at nursing or residential care homes please look at https://www.csci.org.uk (find a care home/service) for inspection reports as well as visiting yourself.

geekgirl

Just had a think about this. If your MIL does not want to sell the house just now is it possible for her to rent out (4 bed house would bring in large income) for now to cover care costs and give her time to adjust to the changes going on for her.
Just a thought as I know nothing about legalities and workability of this.

monkeyspanner

Yes we have over the last 3 years and 3 hospital admissions had to cope with a very similar situation with my MIL. Coping with the transition from full independance to full dependance is very stressful for the individual concerned and the family.

I don't really know where to start, but here are a few pointers.

- Your MIL is in hospital at the moment. Keep a close eye on the progress of her treatment and push for an early assessment by a specialist geriatrician (spelling?). With all due respect to the hard work and commitment of the majority of medical staff, UK hospitals are not a good environment for vulnerable elderly patients.
Make sure the hospital staff are aware of your MIL's medical history and past conditions, don't assume her GPs or anyone else will have been consulted. You may have to be very assertive to get the care and treatment your relative needs.
Don't assume that the largest hospital will be the best my MIL didn't really improve until she was moved to a specialist unit in a small hospital during her latest hospital admission.

-Once the hospital has made the decision to discharge your MIL that will be their main priority, don't be railroaded into a quick decision. You may well be put under pressure that your MIL is bed blocking, remember that she is your priority and there is no need to feel bad because the health service is resource limited. The family will be expected to find, if necessary, alternative living accommodation. The decision to discharge will be made on the basis that the hospital feels it has done all it can do medically not necessarily because the patient is well.

-If sheltered accommodation is considered a possibility try to assess how long this may be a viable option. In our case we got my MIL into a very nice sheltered unit with care visits 3 times daily but she didn't settle well, did not really cope, and her medications were not well controlled. 4 months later she was back in hospital after a fall and then had to go into a care home. Each move is very stressful for the individual and elderly people can take a long time to adjust to a new environment so it's probably best to minimise the potential moves.

-Bear in mind that carers visiting your relative are severely limited in what they are supposed to do e.g. they are not supposed to lift the patient(client as they like to call them) or administer medications.

-If a care home is required make sure the relavant discharge assessments are done. Discharge from hspital to care home should be done under CRAG rules. Also if you believe your MIL's primary care need will be medical rather than domestic you should insist on a Continuing Care assessment. This will be resisted as the result of a successful Continuing Care assessment will be that the NHS have to pick up the cost of the care home irrespective of your MIL's assets. Obviously this is expensive for the NHS and these assessments are vigorously resisted by the authorities. Try to match your MIL's social and medical needs with your care home choice.

If your MIL does not already receive attendance allowance it sounds like she should now be entitled. It would be as well to make early enquiries as the application process is long and there is an initial qualifying period. The higher level AA is £64.50 weekly and AA is not means tested.

-If no one holds a power of attorney for your MIL it would be important to get one in place as soon as she is fit enough to speak to a solicitor. Unfortunately this process was made a lot more complicated (and more expensive) by new legislation from 1 October. This is important as it will not be possible for the family to deal with any financial affairs without your MIL being present unless a POA is in place.

-Places for further advice:
www.counselandcare.org.uk for loads of good advice on the legislative and benefit background information.
www.nhfa.co.uk for care home funding information.

Hope this helps if you want to ask more specific questions please either post or PM me.

nearlyrich

My mum is a similar age and this time last year after she had a fall I was sure she would need to go into sheltered accommodation especially since my sister who still lived with her was due to get married this summer and would be moving out.

However once recovered from the fall she is quite happy back living in the family home, we call round with shopping help her with heavy chores and cook the odd extra meal but she is coping really well.

If you can arrange to get help with things your MIL can't manage to do she may be happy to stay in the family home. On the other hand you may be lucky to find a great sheltered place like my FIL lives in.

Hope she recovers soon and you get a solution the works for all the family.

dorry_2

sorry to hear that your mil is so unwell.

I feel that it is a good idea to get others opiniouns on these types of matters, as it can become so so complicated. My dad got dementia after mum died and he kept have tia's (small stokes) which left him confused.

Before he became really unwell, he came to me and said that he could no longer cope at home and wanted to go into a home. This made life so much easier. We got his solicitor and I got power of attourney and kept all his finances in order. He lived in a private home, but was placed there by a social worker. This meant he had to have regular reviews of his care and an care plan drawing up.

However, there was a down side, they took a court order out and told us we must sell the family home and they would take all of his private pensions and a portion of the house sale for his care. They will take the house monies until it gets to 10,000. He lived for two years in the home and when he died, he only had the 10,000 left and even though he had massive health needs refused to re-assess for chc, saying that he was not that poorly:eek: A week after that he died.

I think he should not have paid for his care, if we lived in scotland, my dad would off kept the house money and pensions that he had worked for 50 years for.

Becarefull, don't make any rash decisions, I think the person who suggested renting out your mil house, was a good idea. I wish I had got some good advice like this.

let us know how you get on.

allycat999

Urinary infections can cause a lot of confusion in the elderly, you may be surprised at how well your MIL recovers. If you decide to support you MIL to stay in her own home then you need to have a social worker appointed, even if you are unable to have funding through continuing health care or independent living fund you may get some funding. Even if the social worker decides you are not able to have funding she is still helpful to access other services such as an OT who will be able to advise on equipment to help.
https://www.csci.org.uk will enable you to search for domicilliary care agencies in your area, however the best method is to ask people for a recommendation. Domicillary private care costs approx £15 an hour. A care plan will be drawn up, carers can lift service users and deal with medication, the correct moving and handling equipment and blister pack medication would have to be provided.
If you are concerned about medication the chemist can put you MIL meds in a blister pack, which means she just has push the meds out for that time, or this can be prompted by the carer.
If you MIL wants to stay in her home then a personal alarm which she wears is a good idea, if she falls she simply presses the button, a control centre answers and sends help if required - ambulance.
Residential care may be a good idea whilst your MIL is recovering, you will be able to assess her better as to how she copes than you would in hospital.
Any questions feel free to pm me x