please i desperately need advice....

dogwoof

its tricky ..

for months my boyfriend of 5yrs who i live with didnt have a full time job, and i did, therefore i paid all the rent £800 each month, all the shopping, gas, water, heating bills, etc etc. he agreed to give me most of his wages to repay me. and at first i kept a record of the amounts e gave me each month, but then i got waylaid and didnt have a record of the total amounts he owed me.

he got a new job in august and full time and gave me his wages to repay me each month. i have not spent one thing on myself for absolutely months and months. the money has went on shopping, bills rent, etc etc. emergencies.

now the trouble is i dont know how much exactly he owes me. or if the debt is clear. ideally i would just like us to each get our own full wage then he gives me half of the rent, half of the bills, (cos i do the paperwork) and then he can go and spend the rest of his money on whatever he likes. and me vice versa. he says he'll be paying me his wages til he's 40 but i dont want that.

what should i do? we had a small argument about it, i need to sort it. do i continue with him giving me his wages for november and december and then in the new year forget the debt. cos he has started another new job (with the wages being alot more) and call it a fresh start? just for the sake of it.

trouble is he told me that he went out and bought a gadget thing for over £100 today, he'd been saving bits of money up, i was partly upset as i thought he claimed all the money he was giving me was all that he had, that means he had other money and he could have given it towards bills, shopping, other stuff etc. should i be mad?

he said he's taking it back as he feels guilty, should he? i said if you want it keep it, he said oh if it was you buying stuff, i wouldnt mind, but its him that owes me money.

ive wanted to buy myself a new mobile and perfume for months but i havent been able to cos i had to use the money to pay for everything, part of me just thinks how selfish. even he could have bought me something that would have been nice after everything ive done for him. i dont ask for much. he's certainly not romantic. we didnt even get each other birthday presents cos money was tight.

ontop of the rent, bills and shopping, i had to pay for alot of his stuff, like getting his stuff out of storage £400 i paid or else they were going 2 take it to an auction. and i also paid £350 for him to see a private dentist because a normal dentist wouldnt take him (he had terrible pain with a nerve in his tooth) i had to pay it to see him out of misery. then i had to pay alot of money for his dog (he caught fleas) and i paid for a new bed, flea treatment, sprays, powder and frontline which cost alot. all of these were not my problems.

what do i do? should i be angry with him. just last weekend i hired a car for the weekend, used our money to buy a computer, paid for lunch, food, and other things in the day and i jokingly said don't spose youve got any money (when buying lunch and that) and he said no, so does that mean he was lying. all in all that day i spent about £70 + computer £560 yet it was for both of us, he could argue well i gave you all my wages but then i find out today he's gone out and spent £100 on something for himself?

please i dont know what to do? is he being selfish, how do i work out what/if he owes me still?

bommer

I don't really feel that this is the right place to vent your arguments with you partner. Maybe marrige and relationships.

Although I will comment that if you want your relationship to grow I think you need to look at the whole picture. A relationship is about give and take and supporting each other. Trust and love. If you don't have that with your partner don't bother.

I have spent the last 22 years with my partner, we have always been open and honest with each other. We have always shared what we have with each other included in that has been our money.

We have never gone down the lines of what is mine is mine and what is yours is yours - in the end it doesn't work. If you are a couple what you earn and what he earns shouldn't be owed to each other.

Hard times come to both partners, you need to support each other in hard times cause I can guarantee this won't be the last and next time it might be you.

I suggest you both sit down when you both get paid and see what needs sorting out between you pay the bills and if you have to split what is left between you. If not be sensible and enjoy spending it together. Ihave always talked through big purchases and had our weekly spends -not excessive to do with what we want. The rest has been spent jointly that is what a relationship/partnership/marriage should be about.

JoeHel

My OH didn't work for 3 years and he's now back in full time work. He just pays half the bills now, plus contributes towards paying the debt I built up while he was off work. We've made it so we both have exactly the same disposable income in our own accounts every week and everything else we earn goes towards bills or debts. We are a PARTNERSHIP which I believe means we share whatever we have or don't have!

It wouldn't occur to me to write down or keep a tally of what I spnt on rent and stuff for us while he wasn't working. It was my choice to stick with him and cover it all for us both. And our relationship is all the more strong for sticking together, trusting each other and knowing we can rely on each other through anything.

I also paid off 2 fines for him during the time he was out of work, totalling about £1200. But I chose to do that.

Did you talk to him before buying any of the stuff and agree how it would be paid for? did he have a choice as to whether it was bought or not? Have you thought how emasculating it must be to make him feel guilty for every penny he spends and how rubbish he must feel that he'll be giving you everything he now earns? How long do you want him to feel like he owes you? Is that the kind of relationship you want to be part of?

Personally I'd hate that. We have a clean slate and we are covering the bills and debt payments together, but we both have exactly the same in our accounts to spend on whatever we like. I wouldn't want it any other way!

Snaggles

Do you feel that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? If so, I would really just forget about who owes what to who, and have a calm discussion about how you are going to work your joint finances from now on. And if you really do feel as though he is taking advantage of you, tell him so but in a constructive way.

We have a joint account and both pay money into it to cover bills, food, petrol etc, and both of us are left with a similar amount of 'spending money' each month. Sometimes I've earned more than him, sometimes he's earned more than me, but it doesn't matter, because we love each other and WANT to share everything. In fact the only reason we have sole accounts as well is for those occasions when we might want to buy something without the other knowing, such as Xmas, birthdays etc.

At the end of the day, you have to find a system that works for both of you, but if you really want to grow old with this man, let go of the thoughts about who has paid more than the other, as it will only lead to bitterness, frustration and resentment.

Disclaimer - If I'm just talking rubbish, it's because I'm tired, sorry!

GeorgeUK

When you were getting the lunch, he may have meant he didn't have any money on him. At least i hope that's what he meant.

I think you should feel slightly hard-done-by. You have been supporting him but he goes out and just buys something instead of paying you back. I think he's also playing the guilt card a bit. If he can't have his toy, he wants you to feel as bad as he does without it.

I'd suggest sitting at your new computer and typing him a letter telling him how you feel and why. The money is an important part of any relationship and you seem to be taking all the responsibility for it right now. You need to share this - it may just be that he is oblivious to how much this is affecting you. After you type the letter, edit it down to the main points and then have a talk with him about them. You don't need to give him the letter or even save it but i think it will help you get it all out your system and clear in your mind what is wrong.

You need to sit down and talk about the finances, how you are both going to work through them and ask him what he thinks you should do. He may be feeling left out which may partially explain his lack of sensitivity to the situation. Just make sure you don't pay for anything else in the near future.

Just my opinions, but i hope you get this sorted. Just share the responsibility as well as the purchasing.

George

JoeHel

Can't you just work out what needs paying out (bills & debts) and work out how much each of you need to contribute but make sure you both still have a little bit of spending money? Even if it means he gives you 90% of what he earns - can't he have just a few pounds a week for himself?! I really don't understand why you'd want him to be permanently penniless and miserable just because you took the decision to cover everything while he was out of work.

Ember999

It gives me a bad feeling to read your post. You are a couple, in it 'together' and in a real relationship, it shouldn't be about who paid what, who earned what, who owes what. When you are a couple, what you have is what you 'both' have, what you owe is what you 'both' owe etc...for any long term relationship to work it has to be 'your money' and not individual. It's hard to see who is behind this 'yours and mine' thinking in your relationship from reading your post but your post does scream out at me that this relationship won't last if you keep on like that. The poor guy didn't have a job, so you should have been happy to be the breadwinner, as he should have been should the situation have been reversed.

Your recipe for happiness lies in forgetting a so-called debt he owes you. If I were you I would tell him to forget the bad time, you are now both better off now he is working and forget what you previously agreed. He will love you more and respect you more if you do that. I think if you continue to count the pennies paid like it is a bill/debt he has to 'pay' you will damage your relationship permanently and he will end up resenting you and not many would blame him.

A kind heart and a generous spirit is what is needed here and you never know, if you show him you have that in you, he may actually want to buy you a gift with his spare money.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I am giving you the benefit of my life's experience here and from a lassie who has been married 20 years, through good times and bad, I know that money is the thing that will either make you or break you in any relationship.

Ember xx

Larumbelle

I agree with Joe - you both need a bit of 'pocket money' that you can spend (or save) to do what you like with. That will stop the resentment you both have towards the other concerning money.

It's a horrible situation to be in. Believe me, I talk from personal experience. I have sold most of my most treasured belongings and worked 80 hour weeks at times to pay off money that had disappeared up my parter's nose in powder form.

I do think that you need to ask on the relationships board because at the heart of it I don't think that the money is the real problem here. I think that both of you deeply resent each other for the situation you have ended up with, and you need to work on why that is and what you can do to change it.

If you have been together for five years, live together, then obviously he is 'the one' or you thought he was at some point. If he is 'the one' then why does it matter whose money it is or was? You talk about him 'owing' you money, but there is more to the relationship. The most important things can't be bought or sold, but not many of us keep a tab on how many hugs we are owed, or kind words, or how much love or support we each feel we have 'put in' to the pot. A loving relationship is about loving each other, sharing, sometimes keeping your mouth shut for the greater good.

And it's about forgiving.

Be honest - have you ever 'forgiven' him for not having had a job? It doesn't sound like you have.

chevalier

1) Take the money from him bar £100 for the next 2 months ie nov and dec. Then call it quits. That would have been 6 months payments, if he was out of a job for 5 months, then 6 months of his wages should have covered it.

2) Sit down together and work out a statement of affairs for your JOINT finances. And the work at paying any outstanding debt together. You can use statements to work out how much each of you need to pay into a bills account to cover the essentials - mortgage/rent, council tax, gas, electric, water, other direct debits like insurance, broadband, phone, and then use this account to pay these bills. You then need to look at how much you spend on food a month, and put this much extra in to pay for the food.

Anything over this is for that person, or for JOINT (ie both agree on it) purchase, savings. And usually it should be proportional too, if one person is on much more wages than the other.

If you still feel that you have no money to spend even though he has been giving you his wages, then perhaps you can put up that statement of affairs on here (see southerscousers sticky at the top of the forum), and then maybe we can help trim your outgoings to that you both have more disposable income.
chev

wherediditallgo

In your OH's shoes, I'd feel rather upset if you started telling me about how much I owed you. As others have said, it takes two to make a relationship work & there has to be give & take on both sides. If you've been with him for 5 years & are living together, you thought he was the one for you long before he became unemployed. That means sharing the bad as well as the good. Whichever one of you was out of work would have felt bad having to rely on the other person for money, & now he's got work it must take a lot for him to be handing over his wages to you the way he has been. I know it must be annoying that he spent £100 on himself, but after months of no work I bet he felt he deserved a treat of some kind. I'm not saying he's right, but I think I can understand why he did it - his self-esteem must have gone down when he was out of work, & he needed the boost earning again & buying something for himself would give him, even if he knew the money should go on other things. When I was in debt, I can remember doing without for a long time to try to pay the debts off. When I got a bit of overtime, I'm not ashamed to say some of the money went on me rather than on the debts - I needed something for me to make me feel I wasn't wasting my time & fighting a battle I had no chance of winning.

I don't think your problems are really to do with the £100. I think they're more to do with you thinking he owes you something for you keeping the roof over your heads, food in the fridge etc. I know when my father was out of work, Mum did extra hours & they just made whatever money there was stretch as far as it could. Mum organised the bills etc - whatever else they rowed about, I can't recall them ever arguing about who owed what to whom. They were together & had to work together to solve whatever problems they had. You on the other hand seem to begrudge what you've paid out, & seem more concerned about him settling his debt to you than being happy he's got work & is able to help with the debts now.

You need to talk to each other. Calmly explain how him spending the £100 made you feel, & work out together how you'll deal with the household finances in future. Mkae sure you both have some personal spending money each week - when my friend was out of work, she said it was harder having to ask her husband (now her ex) for money (especially for personal things) than to face the calls from creditors. It's demeaning & unnecessary if you work out a budget together. The key is to work on this as a couple. At the moment, it comes across as you thinking you're doing it all with no appreciation from him. That's something you need to discuss with him too, otherwise the resentment you're feeling now will still be there even after all the debts are gone.

Oscar

I dont think this is about what your OH owes or does not it is about the trust you should share and regardless what he owes. If the arrangement was that he pay all his salary then he has broken your trust in that he is obviously not keeping to the arrangement.