We’d like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum.

This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are – or become – political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.

📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!

Help a friend

My mate has been in a relationship for 7 years with a woman who originally was born in Australia. When they met we were all really pleased for him as he has been single for a long time and she was really outgoing and chatty. She is highly intelligent and an outspoken character - We'll call her Alison.
.
Since then she has moved in with him (she was renting) and his behaviour has changed quite a lot over the years, caused I think mostly by what has happened.

She was working locally, but got made redundant ( company closed), then took on a high pressure job in a major city. She then went off with stress, but the company messed up how they dealt with it and they came to an agreement that she would leave, but they would pay her 50% salary for 5 years. Thijs 50% salary is equivalent to £40,000.

She suffers from depression and is on medication for it. He has helped massively with this, but has said it is massively stressful as he has not idea which Alison he will wake up with the next day and he has to be careful what he says and does as it can trigger her depression.


Since they have met they have had to deal with Alison's daughters attempted suicide ( 3 times) and the birth of a granddaughter to the same child ( she got pregnant the night she was discharged from hospital). Father is a complete waste of space, not contributing, smokes weed, no job. Alison is helping with the rent for this daughter.


Also Alisons other daughter who lives on Oz, has now been diagnosed with addiction to prescription painkillers and is now a mental health institution for treatment on this and other issues.


Alison has flown out to be with her (my mate paid).


Alison rang last night to say that the treatment in Oz is no good and she wants to being her daughter back to UK and stay at my mates house. She also wants cash for the flight and visa ( apparently the daughter can get access to the NHS this way).


He is at his wits end - he has the money but this is another thing that he will have to deal with. He is not the jovial mate I once knew and whenever we have seen them together, she puts him down really sarcastically and belittles him. This belittling conversation has now transferred to him and any discussions we have in our group of mates ends up with him being very negative and sarcastic about everything. I can imagine how this relentless belittling has become normalised conversation in his world.


When I've asked him how he deals with all the stress he says he just switches off, but I'm not convinced. He is looking to retire in 3 years and this is not the life he conceived ( he has said this).


He says he feels obliged to help his "partner", because without him and the house she would have to back to renting herself, wouldn't then have money for her daughter's rent etc.


I'm meeting him for lunch today and we normally go for a walk after = some good scenic areas


I'm pretty clear on what he should do, because I don't particularly like Alison because of her forthright attitude ( I'm pretty laid back) and the stuff my mate has had to deal with through association. He is a very different person now.


To me the direction is pretty clear- ask her to leave and give her some money to get set up in a rental, but I know this has to be his decision. She will massively play the emotional card if this happens I'm sure.


Any advice on how I can get him to open up and get him to see sense.


To me he has a choice- accept that this will be his life from now on because he loves her, or make very hard decision now for a better, simper life in the future.




Sorry for long post, but I would love to get maybe a different view on it.

Comments

  • missile
    missile Posts: 11,803 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    Your friend needs your support but I would suggest you avoid trying to tell him what to do. He needs professional counselling.
    "A nation's greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members." ~ Mahatma Gandhi
    Ride hard or stay home :iloveyou:
  • I think you are probably right - I did ask him last time "Who's looking after you in all this" and he just shrugged his shoulders.

    I suppose a conseller would help him come to a decision and accept it.
  • Fire_Fox
    Fire_Fox Posts: 26,026 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    IMO he should seek help for his stress/ depression via his family doctor and/ or a charity that specialises in mental health (eg. MIND, CALM).

    Encourage him to tell his partner how badly he is coping, to refuse to take on the other daughter. This may force her hand.

    The relationship sounds abusive TBH: emotionally, verbally, financially. Small things that a partner says or does are not usually triggers for a depressive episode.
    Declutterbug-in-progress.⭐️⭐️⭐️ ⭐️⭐️
  • missile
    missile Posts: 11,803 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    A good counsellor will listen and help him see the light during this difficult time. An independent can often help better than our closest friends.

    If you push him to a decision before he is ready, he may resent it and you will loose a friend.
    "A nation's greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members." ~ Mahatma Gandhi
    Ride hard or stay home :iloveyou:
  • NeilCr
    NeilCr Posts: 4,430 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Agree with the comments about not pushing him in any direction. The best you can do today is to encourage him to talk about it (if he wants to) and be a listener.

    Personally, I don't think forthright is necessarily a bad thing. My partner says what she thinks (not in an out of hand way) and that's been good for me.
  • ska_lover
    ska_lover Posts: 3,773 Forumite
    1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    edited 1 September 2019 at 1:41PM
    I don't think being forthright is a bad thing at all - it is better than never saying what you mean or bottling things up. It is far more healthy than the alternative, unless a person was being mean or verbally aggressive with it

    Have you actually seen Alison belittling him, OP? as you say this = 'I can imagine how this relentless belittling has become normalised conversation in his world'

    I do get how people can be very snappy when stressed out (Im not saying it is right btw, just that it does happen) but sustained snapping becomes some type of abuse - if not dealt with

    Constant stress does change a person. It changes the core of you - he will not ever be the same exact person you know - your mate has evolved into a coping mechanism, he is as he is as he is just constantly waiting for the next barrage of poo to hit him. Can you imagine living like that, stressed and anxious every.single.day. to the extent that you cannot even remember the last day you didnt have stress......it is life altering

    It sounds like they both have a lot to deal with

    Alison is having to pay over and over again, for her daughters issues. Firstly the stress on herself, the concern for her kids, the financial commitments, and whilst dealing with her own mental state - she is having to pay over and over. and this has all been constant for a long time.....and then now possibly the breakdown of her relationship - due to all the stress involved - and most of it is not even her fault, really, she is just trying got be there for her adult kids - as the only parent who is. So in so many ways I applaud the woman.

    It doesn't sound like Alison is expecting your friend to be her Personal Jesus (in the words of Depeche Mode) - I mean she is doing as much as she possibly can herself whilst being ill herself.

    Then you go on to say this ''To me he has a choice- accept that this will be his life from now on because he loves her, or make very hard decision now for a better, simper life in the future.''

    I honestly think you are sticking your beak in t0o hard by presenting to him that you feel he should move on or split with her.

    I would talk to him about it though, in the sense that he does need to draw a line somewhere for his own mental health and get support.

    There are carers support groups for folk who support those with MH issues and they are fab.

    Counselling, which has already been mentioned and to be honest I think he needs to see a doctor himself as the stress will have taken a toll and he may well be depressed or anxious himself

    Now is probably not the right time to be making big decisions and thinking clearly

    He has likely realised if he was to split with her, life would be easier. I am sure these thoughts will have gone through his mind.

    He just wants back the woman he met and fell in love with, which is why he is helping her over hurdle after hurdle, hoping things will get better eventually

    If the other daughter comes from OZ, he is going to be living in a very depressing atmosphere, a depressed wife and a daughter who needs help - and trust me, the mental health help on the NHS is ridiculously slow coming - daughter could be waiting a year for an initial consultation. (I know this from recent experience) and that is just the initial consultation with a psychiatrist. If any other therapies are involved, eg psycho dynamic therapy - add another 2-3 years wait. This is what it is like in my area of the UK (large city) MH is very very underfunded and People only get hospitalised in the UK in very very extreme cases

    One idea may be to offer to pay for some private treatment in OZ. I know it is a financial drain on your pal - but this is what parents + step parents do when they have kids, even adult kids - you help them when they need it, esp when they are poorly - and tbf, this is what a person signs up for, when they are in a relationship with someone with kids.

    Remember her kids have no one else to turn to, no Dad - it is all on Alison and by proxy, your friend

    Misery likes company. Mother and Daughter in one house together with mental health issues is going to be very very draining for EVERYONE.
    I am not saying this should be ruled out, but I would be looking at every other option under the sun before this (and I do mean doing something, not doing nothing) - as the daughter will come to live, it will be a bad atmosphere and the wait for even the start of treatment and then the ongoing treatment - it will be a long term situation, in the house - as she will not get treated, fixed, and be back in Oz, within a few weeks. More like years

    Anyway, those are my thoughts. I have some experience in this area.

    Unfortunately - Mental Health issues are not like having a broken leg - that you deal with and it is sorted forever - Mental health issues: they are ongoing, life changing, draining, and often, forever. Depending on how they are managed, there are ebbs and flows but there is no running away from it, you can only manage them as best as you can

    You are a good friend OP.

    I suggest when you meet him, to not discuss all this (unless he brings it up) - he meets up with you for some escapism. Help him do this, chat about other stuff and keep it light. Don't force him to bring his problems into every area of his life, allow him some escapism, as he really needs it
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
  • elsien
    elsien Posts: 36,448 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    I suggest your friend checks the visa situation before shelling out for flights.
    From gov.uk

    If you want to join family in the UK
    If you’re a spouse, partner or family member of someone who has British citizenship or settlement in the UK, you can apply for a family visa to join them. They may need to show that they can support you financially.

    It also specifically says not to book flights until the visa has been granted. And I'm not convinced that someone who is so unwell they have been institutionalised would a) get a visa and b) benefit mentally from being uprooted and moved half way round the world.

    Depression is not triggered by a partner inadvergently saying the wrong thing. That's an excuse, and maybe something your friend would benefit from finding more out about.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
  • sheramber
    sheramber Posts: 23,059 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts I've been Money Tipped! Name Dropper
    Is she still receiving the 50% salary?
  • HampshireH
    HampshireH Posts: 4,990 Forumite
    Eighth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    If she is on 40k a year for the next few years then why is he paying? She has a perfectly adequate income.
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

🚀 Getting Started

Hi new member!

Our Getting Started Guide will help you get the most out of the Forum

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 351.9K Banking & Borrowing
  • 253.5K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 454.1K Spending & Discounts
  • 244.9K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 600.5K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 177.4K Life & Family
  • 258.7K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 16.2K Discuss & Feedback
  • 37.6K Read-Only Boards

Is this how you want to be seen?

We see you are using a default avatar. It takes only a few seconds to pick a picture.