marriage problems

android_2

i have been married for 13 years to a really special woman,you could not wish to meet a nicer person in your whole life.we have two children aged 14 and 11 who are both great kids.i need to write this to get it off my chest,all the problems are down to me through gambling on the internet i have lost loads of money and i mean loads and my wife is slowing finding out.she has given me loads of times to tell me about the debt we have got,but i just cannot tell her..if people saw here they would think what an idiot she is so beautiful !!anyway now she has finally had enough and who can blame her. i have told my kids that if we break up its all dads fault. i have no money to move out for a while to see if we can thought things out i feel really bad !!!!!give me advice one way or the other

Rikki

Its sounds like now is the time to sit down and discuss your debt and the gambling problem.

If you hide this debt any longer you are going to loose more than just the money. Talk to one another. Once it is all out in the open it will be easier to deal with.

Are you prepared to walk away from a person you clearly love because you couldn't sit down and talk.

celyn90

((((Hugs)))) android. I just wanted to say that I think you are very brave to write that down and want to thank you for having the courage to take that step. The first step to solving any problem is to acknowledge it is there and you have just done that.

And if you're strong enough admit it to yourself and to talk to us, you're strong enough to talk to the woman you love. It's obvious that you think the world of her and your kids. Don't risk losing the most special things in your life by hiding from this. You can do it. cel x

paddy's_mum

If you find the idea of actually having to tell your wife the whole sorry tale, why not consider writing her a letter about it instead. Writing gives you the chance to think about what you want to say or correct any word that somehow just isn't the right one.

Receiving such a letter (which I trust will begin with how much you love her and how sorry you are!) may give her time to digest the news, think things through a little and plan her own strategy before you have to face one another again. It might also allow her to explode alone so that she has time to get that off her chest and calm down before serious talks between you begin. Good luck and hope things get sorted out.

pinkshoes

I think the letter idea is a good one! (women like reading letters, and are very appreciative of the rare moments when men open up to their emotions!!)

Are you still gambling? Have you taken any steps to get help? I'm sure she'd forgive you if you genuinely want to stop and get help, as admitting you have a problem is a fantastic step in the right direction.

good luck

x

myrnahaz

Don't just give up and leave - if she's as lovely as you say then she'll surely try to support you. She's probably beside herself with worry about what's wrong with you. Show her this thread - it'll start the ball rolling. Be prepared for her to be completely shocked and probably angry, but once you've told her then your own relief will be enormous and you'll be better able to cope.

You also need to check out the Dept Free Wannabe forum - there are some incredible people on there who have loads of advice for people with debt problems etc. (I think there's a gambling sticky as well - I'll have to check) but it's all geared up to getting you back on the straight and narrow.

TAG

Hi ya Android,

Please, please tell your wife. If she already knows that something is not right and you continue to try and hide it and recoup your loses things will only get worse and worse.

If /when you tell her she'll either go balistic (for a while) or take it calmly and deal with it. I can't tell you which as we're all different.

I'm not gonna go on about you should seek help blah blah blah. That is all far easier said than done. My DH gambles and we have tried everything together from GA to hypnotherapy. After 6 years (which we have been together but he has gambled for 30/35 years) we have finally come to an amicable agreement of he has £30 a week to play with and that's it. Some weeks he wangles £20 or so extra but that is very rarely. It still annoys me that he chucks away that money every week but better that than what he was doing before.

I always knew when he'd lost money. He would be moody, withdrawn, depressed or down right nasty. And blame everything or everyone else but himself.

The only thing that I really would advise you to do is that once you get this all sorted (let's be positive it's a long rocky road but you can get to the end of it or make it less rocky). Let your wife sort out the finances and restrict the amount of money you have available to yourself.

Deep breath and tell her. The weight that will be lifted from your shoulders will be amazing and both of you focus on dealing with it and moving forwards.

HTH and Good Luck
xxx

elaine373

android wrote: »

i have been married for 13 years to a really special woman,you could not wish to meet a nicer person in your whole life.we have two children aged 14 and 11 who are both great kids.i need to write this to get it off my chest,all the problems are down to me through gambling on the internet i have lost loads of money and i mean loads and my wife is slowing finding out.she has given me loads of times to tell me about the debt we have got,but i just cannot tell her..if people saw here they would think what an idiot she is so beautiful !!anyway now she has finally had enough and who can blame her. i have told my kids that if we break up its all dads fault. i have no money to move out for a while to see if we can thought things out i feel really bad !!!!!give me advice one way or the other

Why not show her this post. You have made it clear that you adore her. You openly admit you have a massive problem which is in no way her fault.You need to address this problem together, which i believe you can do.Maybe you can seek a plan of repair>I.e. contact a gamblers helpline, Then she would see that you want to change what has been happening. Its not ideal what you have done, but no-ones died and its possible for you to turn things around. All the best.

sarymclary

Hi Android,

Having had experience of being married to a person with an addiction, and being a gambler puts you in that category, the most important thing here is total and 100% honesty, together with a cast iron decision by you that you want to (and are going to) take steps to get help with your addiction.

In this way there can be no nasty surprises waiting round the corner for her to find out about - especially as you say she has begun to find things out for herself.

What she needs to know, regardless of whether she chooses to stick by you through this or not, is that with or without her, you want to gain control over your compulsion to gamble, and recognise that it is a big problem, that is now sabotaging all your lives.

My sister's next door neighbour had a wife, 4 lovely kids and a nice home, and lost it all to gambling (along with his job when he couldn't cope with working due to the depression losing it all caused). The difference with this neighbour was that he continued to deny his problems all the time, even when his wife left after their house was repossessed for his debts, lied constantly, and would not recognise when it was all catching up with him.

What are you going to do to help clear the debt? She'll be wanting to know that you aren't going to leave her responsible for them, and that you recognise that you need to do something about them because they are YOUR responsibility alone (how will you earn or make extra money until they're clear).

It's not too late. If you really don't want another man to share your wife's life, and get to kiss your kids goodnight instead of you, then you have to do this, and I believe with as much love in your heart as you've expressed in your post, you CAN do it!!

I wish you all the very best (not luck, because you make your own in this life), and keep us posted on how you're doing.

If you want to speak to someone who has been in your position, or one similar to it, go here : http://www.gamcare.org.uk/ and look up your local gamblers support group in the telephone directory, or search online.

android_2

well things did not go to well.she does not want anything to do with me anymore,and who can blame her!!!life is so bad at the minute but i still really love her.i want advice on what i should do???please help i am desperate

antronella

I agree with Ellas...actions speak louder than words. You need to show your wife that you are prepared to do ANYTHING to save your marriage. Find out about what support and debt advice is available in you area, make appointments...ask for help. And seek help to stop your gambling now. A letter is also a good idea...open your heart to her...but once you have done that, accept that she is devastated and it won't be a quick fix. Good luck, thinking of you x