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Mother moving for 3rd time in 5 years

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
18 replies 3K views


  • JackmydadJackmydad Forumite
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    I'm another who's in the "let her get on with it, don't interfere of help in any way" camp.
    Not being unkind, but it's another of those things where you're not going to win whatever happens.
  • onomatopoeia99onomatopoeia99 Forumite
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    kazwookie wrote: »
    Is your mother of sound mind?

    If so I suggest you get on with your life and let her live her's.

    If no, I suggest you need to get a LPA ready.
    The OP can't "get a LPA ready". If the mother wants to make one then they can if they have capacity, but no-one else can "get" one for them.

    If the mother lacks capacity (which nothing posted so far suggests) and no LPA exists, then the OP would have to go to the court of protection to apply to be appointed a deputy, as the mother could not make an LPA due to her lack of capacity.

    The court of protection doesn't just appoint deputies on request, it is a superior court of record that exists to protect those that lack capacity, and so it will require comprehensive evidence. We have family experience and even with my grandmother who had advanced dementia, the process involved a lot of investigation and checking of the true state of my grandmother's ability to make decisions for herself before it was granted. They didn't just grant it on the forms being sent in.
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  • Dark_StarDark_Star Forumite
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    How far away are you from her? Is it so far that she feels she can’t just visit for a day?

    Could she buy a small flat/ holiday home type place near you & go & stay in that whenever she wanted to be near you?

    Then she won’t keep selling & buying as she can be in both areas....just not at the same time....unless you clone her 🙂

    Just a thought....
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  • Poor_Single_ladyPoor_Single_lady Forumite
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    Surely it’s up to her what she does. 76 isn’t that old - I know it varies from person but if she is buying a house it sounds like she has capacity.

    It sounds like you want to interfere but she hasn’t asked you to. I have this with my family a lot unasked for “help”. And I think if I bought a house and changed my mind at 76 it’s really up to me. I do understand you think there will be problems but surely it’s her money and he decision.
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  • Savvy_SueSavvy_Sue Forumite
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    If she wants to make bad decisions it’s not your job to stop her and you probably won’t be able to anyway. It’s also not your job to clean up after her mistakes.

    Let her buy it but tell her really bluntly and plainly that you will NEVER clean it or pay for a cleaner, or move in, or tidy it up for sale. Be incredibly clear that any negative consequences will fall entirely on her and you will absolutely never change your mind, no matter what happens.
    You can by all means say this, but don't expect it to make any difference.

    My parents moved to be near one of my siblings, but chose a (very large) house on the opposite side of the town. They were told that living THAT side would make it very difficult for visits, that traffic getting across the town was often gridlocked, that the grandchildren wouldn't be able to just pop in etc. In one ear and out the other.

    There were occasional mutterings when a request for a lift was declined, but "I did warn you!"

    Now, there was ONE advantage to having a very large house. As time went by, they didn't go out so much unless they were picked up from the door. But every day a fair few steps were walked: around the dining table in the very large kitchen diner (no 'golden triangle' there!), out into the utility room to the freezer, back through the kitchen into the ridiculously large lounge, through the dining room to the stairs, down the corridor from bedroom to bathroom and so on.

    Not that I'm recommending it, you understand ...
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  • edited 19 July 2019 at 8:06AM
    MoneySeeker1MoneySeeker1 Forumite
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    edited 19 July 2019 at 8:06AM
    That is the plus side, ie she'll get in a lot of "steps" of exercise on a daily basis with a bigger house and the fact it is a house (not a bungalow), ie up the stairs, down the stairs, back up the stairs again.

    The other point is that I would agree that the more someone is depressed, then the bigger the house/garden they could benefit from. Reason being that their "territory" in which they don't have to face other people is bigger. It must be very confining to be depressed, but know you have to go out because you've only got a 4 room flat for instance and the space simply isn't "big enough" to stay at home much in. I've come to the conclusion that the smaller a home is, then the more facilities there have to be available to go out to (eg places to eat out in, because the kitchen isn't big enough to do much cooking in), etc. Bigger homes have room for hobbies, room for gardening, etc. Also the smaller the home, the better the weather has to be in the local area, so that people aren't confined to staying at home because they've decided to go out, but the weather isn't good enough to do so unless necessary (ie the angle also arises of whether she is in a part of the country where the weather necessitates having a bigger home to stay in more in).

    The problem boils down to the housework I would say and whether you can persuade her to get that dealt with, eg with a firm coming in for a super one-off clean once a month or so.

    Ultimately, it is her decision just which house it is that she owns and whereabouts it is.
  • caprikid1caprikid1 Forumite
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    You seem most obsessed with the money element these decisions are costing ?

    Can she not afford it or are you concerned she is wasting your inheritance ?
  • Fen1Fen1 Forumite
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    Could her need to regularly move to bigger and bigger properties be her way of "managing" her hoarding?
    She may, on a subconscious level, recognize that her house is getting dirty and disorganized. She rationalizes that the house is becoming disordered because it is too small for all of her possessions. If she were to move to a bigger property, it would give her the space to have all her things nicely ordered. For her, the house is not adequate for her needs.

    Unfortunately, even if she were to move into a castle, it would still get grubby. There will never be a property big enough for her as the problems she has are in her mind, not the bricks and mortar.

    Has she always been dirty? Has it come on slowly or was there a definite starting time? How was she when your father was alive, was there a change after he died?
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