New House with Family - Covering Myself

System

If you want to protect yourself fully, don't except a dime off your partner for bills etc. You'll need to log everything, who bought the shopping, who paid for the tank of fuel etc. Unfortunately, and I have seen this happen recently, any money that contributed to the home, lightbulbs picked up at supermarkets, gardening done all contributes to investing and improving the home, which is where partner's can start asking for a percentage of the worth. Best thing you can do is move out of this house, rent it out and use the rent to rent a house together.


On the flip side, how is she going to feel ten years down the line when you have a nice wodge in terms of an appreciating asset and she has nothing. Affectively (in her eyes), she has no safety net and you hold all the cards. I've seen this happen too...it caused a breakup in the end.

andyward82

andydownes123 wrote: »

If you want to protect yourself fully, don't except a dime off your partner for bills etc. You'll need to log everything, who bought the shopping, who paid for the tank of fuel etc. Unfortunately, and I have seen this happen recently, any money that contributed to the home, lightbulbs picked up at supermarkets, gardening done all contributes to investing and improving the home, which is where partner's can start asking for a percentage of the worth. Best thing you can do is move out of this house, rent it out and use the rent to rent a house together.


On the flip side, how is she going to feel ten years down the line when you have a nice wodge in terms of an appreciating asset and she has nothing. Affectively (in her eyes), she has no safety net and you hold all the cards. I've seen this happen too...it caused a breakup in the end.

I'm in the process of actually buying the house so moving out of it to rent another isn't really something on the table!

I guess I'm going to have to play it by ear and keep the mortgage in my name and see what happens. It's never going to be straightforward is it...

Dymphna60

“ it is never going to be straight forward “
Exactly.
Some very honest conversations required . Are you sure your GF dosnt think she’s going into ‘ marriage ‘ in all but name when really she would be signing up for being a lodger. Probably a worse position than now being reliant on her mother.
And you going to walk a tightrope for the rest of your life between being a family together but always being alert to make sure that your GF is not going to be able to gain an interest in anything of yours .
Wouldn’t it be easier and happier all round to leave things as they are ?
You buy yourself a house she stays where she is or decides to buy her own house .

System

andyward82 wrote: »

It's never going to be straightforward is it...

No, you're right it's not. The child will always come first, and if said child is ruled to stay with mum after a split, you may well find your house given over to mum and child until 18. It all depends on the judge. My friend got her husband's house (bought before they got together) from him in a deal to leave the pension alone when separating. It's complicated to say the least.

From a completely selfish stand point (I advise and coach on relationship/divorce, exit strategies etc. from both sides) you've done the wrong thing in terms of guarding your wealth. You're in a relationship with a women who is no way near equal in terms of wealth, using your financial resources to care for another man's child and had a child of your own. If you were bothered about guarding your assets, you should have thought about that. But love being love, it's not that simple. At least first time around - second time, switched on men tend to avoid these situations.

My advice in a nutshell: If I were you, I would expect to lose at least some of my shirt if things go sour, as you have assets and equity and she's coming to the table with nothing.

andyward82

andydownes123 wrote: »

No, you're right it's not. The child will always come first, and if said child is ruled to stay with mum after a split, you may well find your house given over to mum and child until 18. It all depends on the judge. My friend got her husband's house (bought before they got together) from him in a deal to leave the pension alone when separating. It's complicated to say the least.

From a completely selfish stand point (I advise and coach on relationship/divorce, exit strategies etc. from both sides) you've done the wrong thing in terms of guarding your wealth. You're in a relationship with a women who is no way near equal in terms of wealth, using your financial resources to care for another man's child and had a child of your own. If you were bothered about guarding your assets, you should have thought about that. But love being love, it's not that simple. At least first time around - second time, switched on men tend to avoid these situations.

My advice in a nutshell: If I were you, I would expect to lose at least some of my shirt if things go sour, as you have assets and equity and she's coming to the table with nothing.

Sorry but what a completely stupid thing to write. "If you were bothered about guarding your assets, you should have thought about that" - like I'm going to go into a relationship with someone and ask for a full financial report before doing so - just to make sure we're equal in all aspects. Get a grip. Life takes twists and turns - I'm just seeing if there's anything I can do to be as sensible as possible.

If people are going to take that ridiculous attitude then no-one would ever get into a relationship, have kids OR live together would they. So absolutely no need for that comment. Totally unhelpful.

DUTR

andyward82 wrote: »

Sorry but what a completely stupid thing to write. "If you were bothered about guarding your assets, you should have thought about that" - like I'm going to go into a relationship with someone and ask for a full financial report before doing so - just to make sure we're equal in all aspects. Get a grip. Life takes twists and turns - I'm just seeing if there's anything I can do to be as sensible as possible.

If people are going to take that ridiculous attitude then no-one would ever get into a relationship, have kids OR live together would they. So absolutely no need for that comment. Totally unhelpful.

I wouldn't say it's unhelpful, just rather truthful or realistic.
You are being sensible by asking the question.
And love can be blind and impractical.

CRANKY40

My advice would be to plan some things as if you were married as there is a child involved. If you died would you want the house to go to your next of kin rather than your girlfriend and child? If the answer is no then make a will. If your girlfriend died would you still be financially able to pay the mortgage whilst caring for your child (I'll just add to this that school holiday child care tends to be eiter rubbish or, especially once they leave junior school but are still too young to stay home alone, non-existent). If the answer to that is no then make sure that your girlfriend has life insurance with the payout assigned to you and not to her next of kin that would pay off your mortgage and leave you with enough funds to give you a breathing space to sort yourself out if anything bad should happen.

Don't assume this sort of thing doesn't happen. As a "young" widow who was left with a 4 year old when his dad died I can assure you that it can and does. Thankfully we'd made adequate financial provision and I only went back to work this year - my son is 14 now and I did not have to claim any benefits in order to spend the intervening years at home with him.

andyward82

CRANKY40 wrote: »

My advice would be to plan some things as if you were married as there is a child involved. If you died would you want the house to go to your next of kin rather than your girlfriend and child? If the answer is no then make a will. If your girlfriend died would you still be financially able to pay the mortgage whilst caring for your child (I'll just add to this that school holiday child care tends to be eiter rubbish or, especially once they leave junior school but are still too young to stay home alone, non-existent). If the answer to that is no then make sure that your girlfriend has life insurance with the payout assigned to you and not to her next of kin that would pay off your mortgage and leave you with enough funds to give you a breathing space to sort yourself out if anything bad should happen.

Don't assume this sort of thing doesn't happen. As a "young" widow who was left with a 4 year old when his dad died I can assure you that it can and does. Thankfully we'd made adequate financial provision and I only went back to work this year - my son is 14 now and I did not have to claim any benefits in order to spend the intervening years at home with him.

Thank you! I'm indeed covered for life insurance and for critical illness purposes so that's all good. The house (£550k+) will be paid off and my will is adequately updated in the instance of something untimely happening.

Indeed thank you to most people on here (apart from the one person). I shall take all the comments on board going forward.

CRANKY40

andyward82 wrote: »

Thank you! I'm indeed covered for life insurance and for critical illness purposes so that's all good. The house (£550k+) will be paid off and my will is adequately updated in the instance of something untimely happening.

Indeed thank you to most people on here (apart from the one person). I shall take all the comments on board going forward.

Your girlfriend needs to be covered for the same though. It's a horrible juggling act (I know from some of my friends) if you have to try and be all things with less money and juggling child care into the bargain whilst dealing with a grieving child and your own emotions. Even if you pay for her insurance policy it will be worth every penny if the worst happens.

unholyangel

I've skipped most of the replies (about to head out, I'll catch up later though) so apologies if this has been covered but.....

See a solicitor. With these kind of sums at risk, you can't afford not to.

That being said, if you draw up an agreement before you move in where she acknowledges she is only paying towards x and will not be gaining a beneficial interest in the property, then there shouldn't be any opening for her to later claim she contributed based on you two building a home together.

The law really isn't there to tell you what your relationship should be. Just to make sure its equal bargaining power and that people have went in with their eyes wide open/haven't been coerced or deceived.