Pension query, please!

DAKOTA45

mark88man wrote: »

so sorry to hear your situation. the advice you have received is very sound, from some very knowledgeable posters.

its sad, but it sounds like your partner is being selfish, but that there is little you can do but keep trying and keep asking, it sounds like he has hardened his heart to your ability to live, therefore you need to consider drastic steps.

This board has some women of your age who have taken the plunge to go off on their own, and they seem to be liberated and get on with it. Even if still a little short of cash they have more control of it - however full of regret they may be, they needed to move on.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and I'm sure we will all be here to help if you have any further questions

Thank you...

Malthusian

DAKOTA45 wrote: »

Perhaps he has been underpaid re SP, then... as far as I know, he was paying tax at 40% for much of his working life...

He may have been contracted out. In other words part of his private pension was in lieu of earnings-linked state pension.

He also receives about £250 per month Private Pension...

Based on the information in this thread he gets £253 per week of the marriage income paid into his bank account and you get £78 per week into yours. You pay the bills equally.

You are paying him £88 every week purely for the pleasure of his company. (88 = Your share of the marriage's income minus what you actually get.)

I hope he looks like a 67 year old Brad Pitt and sings like an angel, or something.

[Deleted User]

DAKOTA45 wrote: »

We've had that discussion... his was a two word reply... I'll leave you to work it out...

But throughout our life together, his entire wages always went into our joint account and I managed everything... this is what's so confusing... the extreme change in him since he had a long term affair.. it's like I no longer exist! I wonder also whether he pays the other woman and that's why he has nothing left for me...:(

This is the discussion you need to have with a lawyer. He can find out all sources of income. Then have another conversation with your husband. See if the answer changes. You will be a lot better off after you do something about this.

Andrew31

I would suggest you get divorced.

ffacoffipawb

DAKOTA45 wrote: »

We've had that discussion... his was a two word reply... I'll leave you to work it out...

He sounds quite a catch.

How did he manage to get a wife and a mistress. The mind boggles.

DairyQueen

A few observations and I will try and refrain from any comment on your marital relationship as, although sympathetic, only you know the nature of your marriage and whether you should leave/stay.

You say that your husband was a high earner and paid higher rate tax throughout most of his working life. If so, his pension income is very low. If he receives only £250p.m. in personal pension income this is £3000p.a. That's an incredibly low personal pension for a high earner, and your household income must have taken a dramatic drop when he retired two years ago. It suggests that he made little pension provision throughout his working life. Was he self-employed?

I wonder whether this drastic drop is the reason why he is being so 'stingy'? Your combined pension income is a smidge under £13k pa.(him) plus a smidge over £4k (you). £17k is do-able for some couples but I suspect that a household used to significantly more (at least double after tax?) would be hard-pressed to cope. Especially if there had been little awareness of the financial train-crash on the horizon.

You admit that numbers aren't your thing. Is the same true of your OH?

In an attempt to understand some of the financial implications of his retirement, do you know exactly how much it costs to cover the basics in your household? You say you pay half of the bills but does that figure include all of the essentials: council tax, food, water, energy, phone, house insurance, TV license? Do you and/or OH pay to run a car? Are there pets to feed and vet bills? Do you own your own house? Is it mortgage-free?

Is your husband spending money on leisure activities ? clothes? holidays? that you are denied. Who pays for Christmas? Gifts?

There are forum members who are able to live well on surprisingly little (SeaShell is an outstanding example) but the typical amount suggested to support a mortgage-free, retired couple in relative comfort is around £25k p.a. A couple used to a much higher income than this may have established a home and lifestyle which can't be supported by an income that reduces to well-below national average.

If your OH has been the breadwinner throughout your lives, and earned well, he may be finding it very difficult to adjust psychologically to this new financial reality. It's likely that he feels 'demeaned' by what he may perceive as a failure to fulfil what many men still consider to be their primary role. It may be that he feels 'reduced', humiliated or embarrassed.

Chances are that he is extremely sensitive to any suggestion that he is 'failing'. Any mention of the financial issue may be viewed as criticism of him. He may have defined himself by his job and earning ability. If so, his ego will have taken a big knock.

His need to control and 'own' his pension sounds symptomatic of insecurity. It's easier to share control of an income which is generous enough to provide a large amount of discretionary spending, but much more difficult to do so when the finances are stretched. Perhaps he is concerned that your lack of numeracy will lead you to resume the spending habits and levels which applied pre his retirement.

This is all speculation but your husband's change in attitude seems to have coincided with his retirement and not with his affair as, if it was 'long-term', it must have predated his retirement by some years?

Of course, he could simply be a nasty, mean s*d.

DAKOTA45

DairyQueen wrote: »

A few observations and I will try and refrain from any comment on your marital relationship as, although sympathetic, only you know the nature of your marriage and whether you should leave/stay.

You say that your husband was a high earner and paid higher rate tax throughout most of his working life. If so, his pension income is very low. If he receives only £250p.m. in personal pension income this is £3000p.a. That's an incredibly low personal pension for a high earner, and your household income must have taken a dramatic drop when he retired two years ago. It suggests that he made little pension provision throughout his working life. Was he self-employed?

I wonder whether this drastic drop is the reason why he is being so 'stingy'? Your combined pension income is a smidge under £13k pa.(him) plus a smidge over £4k (you). £17k is do-able for some couples but I suspect that a household used to significantly more (at least double after tax?) would be hard-pressed to cope. Especially if there had been little awareness of the financial train-crash on the horizon.

You admit that numbers aren't your thing. Is the same true of your OH?

In an attempt to understand some of the financial implications of his retirement, do you know exactly how much it costs to cover the basics in your household? You say you pay half of the bills but does that figure include all of the essentials: council tax, food, water, energy, phone, house insurance, TV license? Do you and/or OH pay to run a car? Are there pets to feed and vet bills? Do you own your own house? Is it mortgage-free?

Is your husband spending money on leisure activities ? clothes? holidays? that you are denied. Who pays for Christmas? Gifts?

There are forum members who are able to live well on surprisingly little (SeaShell is an outstanding example) but the typical amount suggested to support a mortgage-free, retired couple in relative comfort is around £25k p.a. A couple used to a much higher income than this may have established a home and lifestyle which can't be supported by an income that reduces to well-below national average.

If your OH has been the breadwinner throughout your lives, and earned well, he may be finding it very difficult to adjust psychologically to this new financial reality. It's likely that he feels 'demeaned' by what he may perceive as a failure to fulfil what many men still consider to be their primary role. It may be that he feels 'reduced', humiliated or embarrassed.

Chances are that he is extremely sensitive to any suggestion that he is 'failing'. Any mention of the financial issue may be viewed as criticism of him. He may have defined himself by his job and earning ability. If so, his ego will have taken a big knock.

His need to control and 'own' his pension sounds symptomatic of insecurity. It's easier to share control of an income which is generous enough to provide a large amount of discretionary spending, but much more difficult to do so when the finances are stretched. Perhaps he is concerned that your lack of numeracy will lead you to resume the spending habits and levels which applied pre his retirement.

This is all speculation but your husband's change in attitude seems to have coincided with his retirement and not with his affair as, if it was 'long-term', it must have predated his retirement by some years?

Of course, he could simply be a nasty, mean s*d.

You are absolutely spot on! (Apart from the last bit)...

DAKOTA45

The last comment certainly rings true... Ok...I'm now looking at the situation from his point of view...Seems like he's desperately trying to deal with his loss of 'self' in the only way he can... by controlling the purse strings.
He really isn't a bad person & doesn't have a lazy bone in his body... he is desperatly trying to find work... he even applied to McDonald's without any luck... I imagine that must feel terrible when he was once so successful... The changes we've had to make have been enormous... Sold our beautiful home & rented. We lived on savings until they ran out.. now we can't even afford to rent anywhere. Officially homeless & sofa surfing...luckily we both have close family.
There are plenty more like us...but it's very hard.

xylophone

Officially homeless & sofa surfing...luckily we both have close family.

Have you enquired of your Local Authority/Housing Associations whether there is any over 60/65 housing available?

DairyQueen

xylophone wrote: »

Have you enquired of your Local Authority/Housing Associations whether there is any over 60/65 housing available?

Good suggestion. They would definitely be a priority for housing. However, I suspect pride has prevented them investigating this route. It will be a big blow to the husband to approach the LA. If he can overcome his reluctance to do so then there will be light at the end of the tunnel.