The Make MotherOfTwins Laugh and Smile Thread

saffronflowers

One of our DFW'ers is going through an increadibly tough time at the moment - so this thread is for her to look at when she is feeling down and make her laugh.

Genuine complaint to Edinburgh police
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith . Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon
The remaining five walking aborations are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen. What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me. I remain sir, your obedient servant
____________________________________________________

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards PC ??????????
Community Beat Officer

________________________________________________________________
Dear PC ??

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book. Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5. Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these tw@ts that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Leith Dock. Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ?. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards

???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that youdon't work for the cleansing department

floss2

What a good idea!

Can I add the tale of the new Dyson to the thread....

DF decided last weekend that we were going out to buy a new Dyson, as old Dyson was not doing a very good job since I moved in & it couldn't cope with my long blonde hairs

SO, off we trot to Currys & Comet....bought a lovely little turquoise & silver number, took it home, built it, got the old one out of the cupboard & thought.."we'll take the old filter off to reuse before it gets scrapped"...took filter off & DF realised that for the last 2-3 years, he has had the filter in the WRONG WAY ROUND! :mad: No flippin' wonder it wouldn't suck properly! And we had bought the new one by then (and used it too so couldn't take it back).

...oh well, at least it was a good use for his back-pay, even if we didn't really need it! :rolleyes:

Also, dyslexic DS2, the one with the p/t job in his college library, has now got a Christmas job....in Waterstones! He is such a glutton for punishment! Am very tempted to buy him an alphabet chart for Christmas

mumoftwins

:rotfl: :rotfl: THANK YOU :rotfl: :rotfl:

Please keep them coming xx

cazziebo

I'm not very funny - can I just give you a hug instead?

(((mumoftwins)))

chevalier

I can't claim credit for this one but it is apparently (urban myth probably) true


BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.
Charlotte, North Carolina.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured
them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars
and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small
fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the
man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was
obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the
cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.

I know I am sad but it made me laugh outloud!
chev

mumoftwins

Oh Chev that so funny :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Snaggles

Hi Mum of Twins! :hello:

I can never think of funny things but DS did make me laugh the other day by asking when the phone was getting married, because I tried to ring someone and I'd said 'oh, the phone's engaged'....lol!

chevalier

You have probably heard this one but here goes

(setting at sea and the navigator are in a dark room)
"unidentified vessal on direct collision course with us, please change course 10 degrees to port"

reply "sorry approaching vessal we are unable to comply"

" unidentified vessal on direct collision course with us, you will change course 10 degrees to port"

reply " sorry approaching vessal we are unable to comply"

"unidentified vessal this is the United States Navy you will comply and change course 10 degrees to port"

reply "sorry USN we are still unable to comply"

"UNIDENTIFIED VESSAL THIS IS THE US NAVY AIRCRAFT CARRIER xxxxx YOU ARE SMALLER THAN US SO CAN MANOUEVRE WITH MORE EASE, YOU WILL CHANGE COURSE 10 DEGREES TO PORT, OR WE WILL CRASH INTO YOU"

reply "This is a lighthouse ..... your call!"

chev

saffronflowers

That is most excellent!!!!!

SFx

Snaggles

Chev, I LOVE that! :rotfl:

chevalier

thank you thank you. I have to say that I have funny friends.