Struggling

Hjj

Hi Robin,

Yes it is hard to tell them same thing, I think that because its so fresh still. But yes I don't want to play any blame games, it happened, it was crappy, but I'm trying to push forward. I still get moments of anger and hurt, but I think it's to be expected. I'm just trying to focus on us getting out of this hole now and us taking the right steps to do that. Thank you for your kind words its really helped me today, all of you

daisy_1571

Fingers crossed for successful interviews. Good to hear you have debt advice people on board, I am sure they will investigate if any loans can be written off due to the fact they should never have been approved in the first place. Please also remember to apply for ppi through them all, Martin has useful advice recently on reclaiming pay day loans which shouldn't have been paid so check that out too.

Best of luck

Daisy xx

Kitten868

Hello,

I think you need to assess how or why this happened. Do you each manage your own finances separately and just pay each other for the joint bills? Has he been trying to shoulder all of the expense and got it wrong and the debt snowballed? Has he been buying cars he cant afford? Or technology? Debt can go bad quick and really spiral with high interest and missing payments.

Do you have a joint mortgage? Or do you rent? In either situation it's better if one person's credit rating is torched, not both of you. Also is he on the fraud register for what he did at work? I think you should get the payday loans and bad debts transferred to him through reporting it to action fraud. If you need to move youd have no chance with both of you having bad credit records.

You will get through this but think bigger picture and protect the family xxx

anna_1977

as other have said if you don't have any joint financial connections at the moment DO NOT open a joint account. At least it will only be his credit record that's negative not yours.

Good luck

Hjj

Hi,

Thank you for your message, we had seperate accounts and a bills account (this was in my name) and he transferred money in to there each month. It started 5 years ago - living beyond his means with everything, trying to pay his bit of the bills (we split everything down the middle) and his own personal bills (car, mobile etc) we also have a joint mortgage, luckily I'm in a role that enables me to be able to pay this and the household bills until he secures work.
No he's not on the fraud register as the company understood the situation and are working with him for it to be paid back, so no charges have been made.
I am getting my "debt" sorted this weekend, its quite miniscule when comparing to the rest of the mess we have to face. Thankfully, my credit score will recover quite quickly

kazwookie

I strongly suggest you do NOT open a joint account.

Are you sure he has told you everything, and there is nothing more to come out?

Good luck with it all

Hjj

Hi,

Thanks for the message
Are you speaking from experience with the joint account situation? I am just weighing up options as he cannot be trusted to have his own at the moment and this is advice I have recieved, as he ran these debt up in his own account and not the bills account that we have. What would you suggest as an alternative?
Yes I am sure he has told me everything, I have access to emails, all letters that have been sent and recieved and bank accounts, nothing else has cropped up.
I am fully aware that he is a numpty to have done what he has, so is he and I for one have never seen so many tears shed between myself and him. The shame and regret is tangible. We now have to work to get everything back on the striaght and narrow.

savetosave

Hi
4 years ago, just before Xmas, my husband broke down and told me we had 25k debt. (Turned out to be nearer 35k once added up.) He was so sad and scared he was thinking of ending it.
I was far more upset about the lying than the money.
To be fair to him, he hadn’t spent the money on betting or buying things for himself, but trying to help our children with money problems.
If he had told me sooner there is so much money I wouldn’t have spent, presents for friends kids and generally being generous when it wasn’t needed. As far as I knew everything was fine and being paid, but he was just paying one cc off with another.
We sat down and made a plan. The first year we cut back on everything, got our spending under control and paid off a few thousand. The next couple we really got sorted and were doing really well.
Last year we lost both my parents and inherited enough to clear all our debts and pay off our mortgage.
I kind of wish we had managed to do it all ourselves though.
It takes a while to get the trust back. He understood completely that it was a one off deal, if I ever found out he was keeping things from me again, that would be the end.
He found that using a spending tracker on his phone and having a set amount of money that he was responsible for was helpful. We also had a catch up once a month to see how we were doing ( which he hated),
You can get through it if you are both honest and open and you really want to.

warby68

Whilst I admire your love, commitment and forgiveness towards your husband, he has done an awful lot of really serious things - defrauding an employer and opening accounts in your name - these go way beyond keeping quiet about money troubles and could also impact on his ability to obtain further employment. He also kept it quiet for a very long time so is quite an accomplished deceiver.

At the very least I think this warrants an extra level of caution from you and I'm not sure protecting him from the judgement of others is altogether wise, much as you love him. He could easily be facing the judgement of the legal system with some of his actions. You don't have to share full details with friends of course but nor do you need to make life too comfortable for him.

I'm not saying don't support him just that in the context of what we read about here, his behaviours are at the more serious end of the scale in terms of integrity and over quite a sustained period.

I know I sound harsh, but really do think you need to proceed with the utmost caution for quite a long time and this should involve keeping your finances as separate as possible for some time.

As for advice how to to get on with it - please make sure he does a good share of the donkey work not just you and make sure you see proof of everything. If he is genuine he will understand.

Sorry I'm not as positive as some but I do sincerely wish you both luck. He is very lucky to have you.

enthusiasticsaver

I think your husband is very lucky you are willing to give him another chance and I am not sure I could be quite so forgiving in your shoes. These are serious deception issues and I would struggle to trust him but if you want to give him a chance then strong boundary issues should be put in place.

Normally I would say no joint account as you will be financially associating yourself with him which will drag you down credit wise. Can you keep the bills account in your name and when he gets any income go through his monthly budget with him, sort out what will go where and maybe get his online details from him so you can keep a check on his only account without actually being named on it? Technically he should not disclose these to you but this does mean you are not financially associated with him but can still check up on him. Open a noddle account in his name so you can check there is nothing he has failed to disclose. Also check yours.

Going forward monthly budgeting and much more talk about finances will be needed if you can get through this. Don't protect him from friends and family. If you have to cancel a holiday be open and honest. Hopefully the embarrassment he suffers will stop him doing this again. He is lucky for your support but you do him no favours glossing over this and pretending all is fine. He needs to rebuild your trust and that will take time.

I hope you are not paying for the debt agency you are using. Stepchange are a good point of contact. Free advice and if you have to go down a DMP route or even bankruptcy in his name then they always give impartial advice.