Struggling

Hjj

So, I have recently (last weekend) had a bomb dropped on my head and life by my husband; he is 44,000 in debt. He has lied about it to me for the last 5 years, living beyond his means and taking out pay day loans to try and keep up appearances.
He also committed fraud with a previous company, taking money when he was struggling to pay things back. I know how it seems, he knows he has done very wrong and has a payment plan set up.
Now another issue is he lied about it all said he left the company and didnt, he was let go due to the above. He currently has not worked for the last 5 months, due to starting a new job, but failing to pass probation.
He had not told me any of this for fear of me leaving him, which I havent. But i find the worst that he did was opening a current account in my name and taking out pay day loans in my name as he could no longer get them through his. I now have 2,500 debt in my name.
I feel as though i have been lied to for so much of our relationship, 5 of the 7 years. We got married last year and are just approachig our 1 year anniversary. My heart is breaking but I have chosen to stay with him as he has confessed and I love him he loves mem what he has done is so wrong and my trust has been broken. I know I may seem like an idiot for staying with him, but all I want is for someone to have experienced the same to tell me that it will be ok. We have a plan in place to pay things off, with help from family, he has given up all of his financial access to myself and we will be opening a joint account.
Has anyone else experienced anything like the above? Anyone have any constructive advice (not:LEAVE HIM NOW) ?
Thanks

[Deleted User]

You need to decide if you want to clear your credit files of the debts and negative markers, by advising the lenders that the accounts were opened fraudulently by your husband.

You may not want to, but if you do, get on with it now.

Hjj

Hi,

Thank you, but I am looking to get those settled this weekend so that there is nothing against my name have also closed down the bank account in my name.

Robin09

Hi hjj,

Not the same as your situation but similar. My husband also kept our debt a secret. Debts from gambling, only for a short amount of time and his way of dealing with the death of his father. We ended up owing just under £30,000 to various creditors. I also felt like a bomb had been dropped! The worst part for me was that he didn't feel he could tell me what he was going through and he was digging himself deeper into a dark hole.

Your husband is probably feeling great relief now that the secret is out. I know my husband slept like a baby when I found out, I however didn't sleep for weeks

But same as you, I love my husband. It is just money, no one got hurt and we are paying it all back, although slowly.

It does get easier. I really wish you all the best.

Hjj

Hi,

Thank you so much for your kind words. It is unbelievably hard, but I do still love the idiot, just the trust has been shaken a lot at the momentx but it gives me hope that other couples have come out the other side, stronger

Robin09

I remember the feelings well. Took me a while to get my head around it and how we were going to get out of the mess he had created. Nice to read you have family to help and support you. Our families who although were in no position to help financially have been great throughout and it really helps me to know it is no longer a secret with anyone. I thought they may be angry with him but they were more worried for him.

We now owe just over £16,000 so it is going in the right direction. We are doing ours on a DMP as that was the best solution for us and has worked well for us.

Stick around these boards, the people are great and non judgmental, everyone situations are different but we are all here for the same reason, to get out of debt. Have subscribed to your diary.

Hjj

Hi robin09,

Thank you, it sounds awful, but I'm so glad there are other who have been through it and survived, because it gives me hope.
He feels guilt, shame but also relief that he has finally been honest with me. My family are supportive but also are hurt themselves on my behalf, so its not just my trust he has to earn back.
How did you cope with friends? Etc, as we now have to pull out of a holiday in august with our friends, but I fear telling them the full story for fear of judgement and I hate going over it all over again (done it in my head, eith my partner and our immediate family over theast few days)
Thanks

daisy_1571

Hi hjj

Now might not be the best time to open a new joint account? Maybe you dont want to leave him with no access to joint money but might be best keeping your financial records separate until you get this sorted.

Good luck with this situation, I understand, like the above post, it may have helped him and he has known about this for 5 years, for you it is all very very recent so give yourself time to adjust. Through no fault of your own you might have a few tough years financially ahead of you however that's not necessarily a reason to give up on your relationship. It is just money at the end of the day and none of us are perfect. What might be a reason is how he handles this situation and how he handles finance going forward. As the old saying goes: fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. You have been warned now so it's up to you to be vigilant for yourself from now on.

Vigilant, but not necessarily bitter, blaming, vitriolic etc once the first anger has gone if you decide on a path together and he is keeping to his side then it's up to you whether you let it go or keep letting it fester with you. Very hard I know but good luck, your relationship may be better than ever once the dust has settled and you are both working together. Again, once the dust settles couples counselling might be good so you can work through your ideas of being lied to all these years? Just suggesting, its obviously all up to the pair of you.

Im sure you have thought of this but before instantly trying to work out how to pay it all back perhaps talk to someone about the possibility of getting some of these loans written off as clearly he was struggling financially so at least the later pay day loans should perhaps have not been approved. Plus look into ppi claims again for the above reasons. Citizens advice and debt services may be able to help there.

That's the only practical suggestions that occur.

Take care

Daisy xx

daisy_1571

Just saw the next posts. It's up to you what you share with others. Some people do better with being entirely open, others prefer to keep it closer to their chest. Either tell them exactly why in a statement kind of way rather than a discussion asking for their opinion kind of way and gauge from their response whether they are likely to be good friends going forward (although first response might be different to their response once they have had a while to process so be kind to them if they seem inappropriately taking sides, apportioning blame or laughing it off) or tell them a bill has been overlooked and you have suddenly realised you simply don't have the money this year.

It's up to you what you share but its absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. We all have the potential to do desperate things when we cant see a way out the mess.

You might find they heave a sigh of relief and tell you how they are struggling too?

Daisy xx

Robin09

Yes, our family and friends were disappointed in him that he let it get so bad before speaking out. But they have all been great and supported us along the way. I hope that your friends will not judge you for a situation that was not under your control. It can get very tiring telling the same story over again but I found that easier than keeping it a secret from them.

It is early days for you and you are probably going through a whirl of emotions but in my experience, I agree with Daisy that playing the blame game etc doesn't work! It just made me angrier with him for longer and now I'm past that and have accepted the situation, things are are a lot better for us.

Hjj

Hi Daisy,

Thank you for the advice, the joint account was suggested by family as a means to better keep an eye om things, I've also been browsing other help sites and people who have suffered the same unfortunate circumstances and for clairty and transparency, they have suggested a joint. Dont worry, he will not have access to cards etc and knows it will be closely monitored until sucha time he has proven trustworthy again. The debt agency we are dealing with are coming up with a plan on repayments etc and he is actually in a job interview as i type, had one on monday and has another lined up friday, so fingers crossed he will get some income coming in.
Regarding friends, i just don't want him to be hated and judged, because yes, as you said, we all do stupid, stupid things in desperation, bit I will really consider what you have said and thank you again