Debt to expartner

Feenie

Hi, I'm new to the forum and would really appreciate some advice/thoughts on this situation.
My current partner (of 2.5 years) has just told me they owe 7k to an ex of theirs. The ex was a 6 year relationship and then a friendship of 6 years, last year my partner decided to end the friendship for a number of reasons. They have described the relationship as quite controlling and seem to feel a lot of guilt and responsibility towards the ex.

So, the money question:
They weren't married had no joint assets or debt. My partner was guarantor on a mortgage that the ex opened in 2008 and as a couple they mutually paid into this for the remainder of the relationship and then my partner also paid on a rent type basis following this as my partner became homeless as a result of the relationship ending and needed somewhere to stay, which was the ex's house. My partner had no other friends or family to support them. This went on for about a year, then again for about 6 months (sleeping on the sofa and paying rent) and the ex helped out during those times. The two of them had a business together however this did not make any income or accrue debt and is now closed (dissolved in 2016).

My partner says there were no specific loans or borrowing of large amounts from the ex. No written agreement and during the relationship there was an understanding that the business may at some point in the future become very profitable and so at various times my partner focused work on the business and therefore had a reduced income. It's clear the ex helped out financially subsidising living costs at those times however my partner also worked and generally paid living costs.

My partner says the ex kept a book logging each time there was something paid on behalf of my partner. This would include cinema trips, buying small items from the shop etc. My partner doesn't know what is in 'the book'.

At the request of no further friendship or contact the money issue has resurfaced and the ex has been in contact by email and phone wanting to be repaid. This has caused a lot of stress, shame and problems because my partner doesn't have an adequate income to repay this and feels very guilty but doesn't want the ex in our lives.

I am concerned as this seems very unusual and my partner seems very confused.

I have tried to look into if the ex could make a small claim and consider the moral implications also.

My partner and I have 3 children from previous marriages and our own debts to manage.
The ex owns their house (we rent ours) and has no children or debt.

I would like the ex out of our lives and this relationship to stop interfering with our well being however I am concerned about how to handle this situation best.

Thank you in advance!

pinkshoes

Feenie wrote: »

My partner was guarantor on a mortgage that the ex opened in 2008 and as a couple they mutually paid into this for the remainder of the relationship and then my partner also paid on a rent type basis following this as my partner became homeless as a result of the relationship ending and needed somewhere to stay, which was the ex's house.

So he has paid half a mortgage towards HER house, then paid his own rent when they split up?

And despite no official debts, she has now kept a little black book listing all the times she has paid for things and suddenly wants paying back???

Either ignore it, or tell her that he has also kept a little black book, and she owes him £7001, so they can call it even.

tacpot12

In theory, the ex could make a claims via the county court which would be a small claim, but she would have to provide evidence that she loaned your partner some money and your partner understood it was a loan and was to be repaid at some point. I think it very unlikely that the ex has such evidence, and so whether to repay anything at all does become a moral issue.

It sounds like we are talking about an unbalanced situation, where one partner is earning more than the other so agrees to pay more. Some people do this out of generosity, and some people do it becuase if they didn't, they would never go to the cinema as a couple. Some never expect to be repaid and some that the favour will be reciprocated when the other partner could do so, but this never happened in this case.

If your partner really cannot do so now, they could quite reasonably refuse to pay anything. They might be uncomfortable doing so if they know they are spending money that they could pay to their ex if they wanted to. But you own bills need to come first, and if he offers to pay anything at all he may be seen to be admitting there is a debt there.

The ex spent this money quite a while ago and coped financially then, and is probably coping financially now. If he had £7000 spare, he should pay her, but as he doesn't, I think he should not pay anything to avoid being seen to admit that there is an enforceable debt.

(I also like Pinkshoes answer)

caprikid1

I would tell the EX to get lost.


I would also tell the EX if they continue to persue this I will persue a beneficial interest in the property that he clearly paid towards.

OscarFoxtrot

Feenie wrote: »

Hi, I'm new to the forum and would really appreciate some advice/thoughts on this situation.
My current partner (of 2.5 years) has just told me they owe 7k to an ex of theirs. The ex was a 6 year relationship and then a friendship of 6 years, last year my partner decided to end the friendship for a number of reasons. They have described the relationship as quite controlling and seem to feel a lot of guilt and responsibility towards the ex.

So 12 years in total?

Feenie wrote: »

They weren't married had no joint assets or debt. My partner was guarantor on a mortgage that the ex opened in 2008 and as a couple they mutually paid into this for the remainder of the relationship and then my partner also paid on a rent type basis following this as my partner became homeless as a result of the relationship ending and needed somewhere to stay, which was the ex's house. My partner had no other friends or family to support them. This went on for about a year, then again for about 6 months (sleeping on the sofa and paying rent) and the ex helped out during those times. The two of them had a business together however this did not make any income or accrue debt and is now closed (dissolved in 2016).

Your partner should look at 'beneficial interest'

Feenie wrote: »

My partner says there were no specific loans or borrowing of large amounts from the ex. No written agreement and during the relationship there was an understanding that the business may at some point in the future become very profitable and so at various times my partner focused work on the business and therefore had a reduced income. It's clear the ex helped out financially subsidising living costs at those times however my partner also worked and generally paid living costs.

irrelevant

Feenie wrote: »

My partner says the ex kept a book logging each time there was something paid on behalf of my partner. This would include cinema trips, buying small items from the shop etc. My partner doesn't know what is in 'the book'.

fine, anything longer than 6 years ago is unrecoverable anyway

Feenie wrote: »

At the request of no further friendship or contact the money issue has resurfaced and the ex has been in contact by email and phone wanting to be repaid. This has caused a lot of stress, shame and problems because my partner doesn't have an adequate income to repay this and feels very guilty but doesn't want the ex in our lives.

so block her

Feenie wrote: »

I am concerned as this seems very unusual and my partner seems very confused.

I have tried to look into if the ex could make a small claim and consider the moral implications also.

My partner and I have 3 children from previous marriages and our own debts to manage.
The ex owns their house (we rent ours) and has no children or debt.

anyone can make a claim. I could take you to small claims court.

Feenie wrote: »

I would like the ex out of our lives and this relationship to stop interfering with our well being however I am concerned about how to handle this situation best.

Thank you in advance!

so block her, and report for harassment if any more contact

Gavin83

I agree with a couple of the others, I'd recommend your partner look into what claim they have on the property.

As for the money the ex is asking for, no chance.

Feenie

Thank you all for your advice and thoughts, really helpful.

I got some legal advice and you're right, anything over 6 years can't be reclaimed, there is however, because of the log kept, an implied contract on the stuff paid for; I didn't realise that you could do that as a couple, seems to leave lots of room for financial abuse from a controlling partner imo, if someone can tot up all the little things and then produce a bill at separation!

The beneficial interest in the mortgage could be used as leverage, so yeah you're right there too.

Legally there could also be an argument that anything bought as part of the business would be 50% shared responsibility, rather than a loan to my partner from the ex/business partner.

I'm v reassured others feel as I do about the moral side as it seems to me to be very strange behaviour in a relationship.

It's up to my partner on how to move forward on this and your thoughts really help with that grey area of whether there's a moral obligation. I know I wouldn't do this unless it was a big loan, and even then, as a couple with shared living circumstances and finances it seems pretty unusual.

To add, my partner's son was not allowed to stay plus friends weren't allowed to visit and a few other quite restrictive aspects to the relationship with the ex that seem like red flags to me.

No contact seems best way forward although legal suggested negotiations; hmmm decisions need to be made.

Thanks again for thoughts and advice...any more are v welcome too!