Advice re. finances and child after separation

t.g.jones43

Hi, I'm hoping for some advice please re child custody and finances.

I separated from my partner 6 months ago (we weren't married). We have a 5 year old son. I moved out of the house and she bought me out of the mortgage. I got £20k, but originally we put £80k down when we bought the £300k house - my £20k, £20k from her and £40k from the profit made on our previous house sale. I agreed to this amount because I felt guilty for being the one leaving and breaking up the family, and I didn't want to cause too much upheaval for our son.

Was I unwise to accept only £20k? Is this generally the done thing in these scenarios?

Regarding our son, I have him every other weekend and 3 hours every Wednesday afternoon. That's great, but it's only 2 nights out of 14. I would like 1 or 2 more (e.g. every Sunday night on the weekend that I have him and/or Wednesday night), but today we went to mediation and she actually wants me to have him less, every other Saturday night only, saying that he's too tired after being with me at the weekend and it's affecting his behaviour at school and after-school club. However, I have spoken to his teacher and she says he isn't showing any negative signs of the separation.

So am right in thinking that she's being unreasonable?

Thirdly, we have lots of joint possessions in the house. I am even still paying for a sofa there. I would like to take the sofa and a small number of other items for my new house, leaving the vast majority of items where they are.

Do I have any right to claim these items? Particularly the sofa?

Thank you.

Savvy_Sue

Can't comment on whether you were wise or not. The key thing, IMO, is to put your child first, which you seem to want to do.

She may or may not be being unreasonable about access arrangements, however I'd make sure that you discuss with her bedtimes and bedtime routines, and stick to them when he is with you if you are not already doing so.

5 year olds do get extremely tired in term-time, by the time the holidays come they are often hanging on by their fingernails, and it's difficult to recover from a position of overtired.

As you weren't married, there are very few 'rights' involved with the material possessions. I'd say it was worth asking and giving reasons, eg "the side table was my aunty flo's and has some sentimental value" and "I am still paying for the sofa, so I'd like to either have it, or stop paying the loan".

t.g.jones43

Thank you Savvy_Sue, that is a great help.

I definitely make sure he has a comparable routine to when he is at home. I think any tiredness come from being overstimulated during the daytime, as we are both excited to see each other and maybe try to do too much. So I can try to manage that better.

I really don't want to have to go down the route of getting a court order to see him more often, but if I did do you know how this is likely to be viewed in court? Or is it difficult to say, as these things can only be judged on a case-by-case basis? I would like to have him from Friday after school until Monday morning, every other weekend. And keep our every Wednesday 3-6pm slot.

Thank you.

Accountant_Kerry

These things are never easy to work out, were you wise, who knows, did you do what you felt was best for your son? only you know that but it would appear so.

Access is slightly different, the fact you are in mediation is a good sign and hopefully you can work through everything there to come to a mutual agreement. If she is left with what she feels is picking up the pieces after your visits you can see why she wants to change this, but balance is the key. The court wont care much for you or your ex partner but what is best for your son, and that is usually maintaining a good relationship with frequent contact.
Good Luck

elsien

If you're looking at access you also need to consider half terms and holidays. Sibling has his children half of each but it does have implications for annual leave and arrangements for when you have your son but can't get time off work.
It's important to ensure that arrangements not only are best for your son but also fair to both you and your ex and that one of you isn't left feeling they're doing all the childcare and drudgery type stuff while the other has all the fun.

For info, sibling had to go to court in the end. He has the children every other weekend after school until Sunday 6pm. Wed evenings one week then overnight on Wed on the week he doesn't have them for the weekend. Plus half of all halfterms and holidays, and they take it in turns to get first pick of dates during the holidays.
It's not easy especially when it comes to Christmas and birthday arrangements but the important thing is to minimise the impact on your son.

Savvy_Sue

Yup, agree with AK. Court is never a certain option, mediation is a better bet. Yes, try to dial down the excitement, don't try to do too much, it's very easy in these situations to be the 'fun' parent and leave her to all the 'sensible' stuff. In time, for example, you'll find yourself having to see he does homework, he probably already has reading to do each day, maybe spellings too, can you help with this? Also the boring trips like dentist, shoe shopping - if you can communicate well with your ex then hopefully she will see that your time with him is good for him and good for her too.