Buying a house in our name but with mil's money. Issues?

Jeepers_Creepers

Annisele wrote: »

That sounds optimistic to me - but your "probably..." suggests you know that!



Would you be trying to buy something that already has (or doesn't need) planning permission for what you want to do? If not, would failure to get planning permission change your mind about the whole affair?

Ha-ha - yes, optimistic, and good point.

For the most likely contender so far we did do a pre-planning check with the local Planning Dept (costs £50) and also had a chat with the architect we'd ultimately use - both indicated that our proposal for this property should be fine.


And, yes, we would have to do the same thing for any other serious contender.

Cakeguts

I just want to point out something else here. You want to build an annex for mother in law. I expect this is because you don't want her to be actually living in your house with you?



I can tell you now that she won't actually live in the annex. She might sleep in it but she will be in your living room watching your television when you come home from work. She will be in your kitchen cooking during the day even if you are trying to make you evening meal she will be there. The reason being that there is no point in living with someone if you are isolated in an annex all the time. She will be in your house all the time at the weekends. She will offer advice about your plans even if you don't want her too. She might even stand up for her daughter against you in arguments.



I am just tell you this so that if you don't mind living like this then an annex isn't needed you just need to buy a house with an extra bedroom.


You have to get on extremely well with someone for them to live with you full time. Don't forget that if you mother in law wants to do this she will be on her best behaviour until you get the new house and then when you are stuck she can do what she likes.

Mojisola

Cakeguts wrote: »

I can tell you now that she won't actually live in the annex. She might sleep in it but she will be in your living room watching your television when you come home from work. She will be in your kitchen cooking during the day even if you are trying to make you evening meal she will be there. The reason being that there is no point in living with someone if you are isolated in an annex all the time. She will be in your house all the time at the weekends. She will offer advice about your plans even if you don't want her too. She might even stand up for her daughter against you in arguments.

That depends on the people involved - I know one family who did this and Mother only agreed on condition that she had her own space that was respected and, likewise, she respected their space.

lookstraightahead

Cakeguts wrote: »

I just want to point out something else here. You want to build an annex for mother in law. I expect this is because you don't want her to be actually living in your house with you?



I can tell you now that she won't actually live in the annex. She might sleep in it but she will be in your living room watching your television when you come home from work. She will be in your kitchen cooking during the day even if you are trying to make you evening meal she will be there. The reason being that there is no point in living with someone if you are isolated in an annex all the time. She will be in your house all the time at the weekends. She will offer advice about your plans even if you don't want her too. She might even stand up for her daughter against you in arguments.



I am just tell you this so that if you don't mind living like this then an annex isn't needed you just need to buy a house with an extra bedroom.


You have to get on extremely well with someone for them to live with you full time. Don't forget that if you mother in law wants to do this she will be on her best behaviour until you get the new house and then when you are stuck she can do what she likes.

Some older people are very nice you know. Sometimes it's the children who are the problem. This is a massive sweeping statement and very sad.

Jeepers_Creepers

Cakeguts wrote: »

I just want to point out something else here. You want to build an annex for mother in law. I expect this is because you don't want her to be actually living in your house with you?

I can tell you now that she won't actually live in the annex. She might sleep in it but she will be in your living room watching your television when you come home from work. She will be in your kitchen cooking during the day even if you are trying to make you evening meal she will be there. The reason being that there is no point in living with someone if you are isolated in an annex all the time. She will be in your house all the time at the weekends. She will offer advice about your plans even if you don't want her too. She might even stand up for her daughter against you in arguments.



I am just tell you this so that if you don't mind living like this then an annex isn't needed you just need to buy a house with an extra bedroom.


You have to get on extremely well with someone for them to live with you full time. Don't forget that if you mother in law wants to do this she will be on her best behaviour until you get the new house and then when you are stuck she can do what she likes.

I think it's ok for you to point out these potential issues - a bit extreme tho' they may be :-)

At the moment we only have a single sitting room with TV, and - yes - Nan is there most of the time. But that's ok as - sadly - the TV is on most evenings anyway, but when my kids need to do revision & homework on the adjoining dining room table, the TV goes off, and Nan has her own bedroom with PC for her to play Bridge.

Any new property would - must - have a separate sitting room for Nan, but if reality if we are all watching the same programs, they we will either join her or her us, pretty much as it is now. However, if one of us wants to play music in 'our' sitting room, there is no question that this would take priority.

We share the kitchen now - actually we prepare all the meals now (it would be nuts to have separate cooking facilities or times) so this isn't an issue either. But it's important - for her sense of dignity & independence as much as anything - else for her to have a purely 'her' space for when she wants it, and that it is of a decent size.

Your warning is worth making, but we are confident it won't be an issue in this case. Most of the time she's pretty cool :-)

Skibunny40

I'm afraid I'm going to be another one who puts you off this idea in general!

We're five years in to sharing a house with my now 86yo father - for the first 3/4 years, it worked brilliantly then he started getting more frail... and it's now very difficult and taking its toll on the whole family, including my dad. If we could all go back in time, we wouldn't do it. Sorry, I'm sure that's not what you want to hear.

Cakeguts

lookstraightahead wrote: »

Some older people are very nice you know. Sometimes it's the children who are the problem. This is a massive sweeping statement and very sad.

Just based on the experience of 3 families who were alright to start with and then got problems later. In one house where the elderly person relies on the family for everything the elderly parent goes through the whole house including opening all the post if they don't get to it first. This includes post addressed to the adult children. There are now locks on some doors to keep them out and they open all the post including anything that is not addressed to them.



One lady years ago warned someone who was talking about what you are thinking of doing as ruining 3 people's lives.



It could be alright but if it isn't it could be extremely unpleasant. At the moment you don't seem to have any plans in place as to what you would do if it becomes unpleasant later.

Jeepers_Creepers

Thank you again for your comments - they are all food for thought.

The current situation is that she's in decent health, fully clear-headed and fairly physically fit too. She could cope with living on her own, possibly for a couple of years probably more, but what's the fun in that?! She enjoys being a full part of the family. However, if we don't find a suitable property to suit us all within a number of months, then quite possibly she will look for a place of her own for as long as she can cope, since our current arrangements are 'ok' but not ideal for the long-term.

As long as we do find a place that'll provide our own private spaces when required, it would be the preferred option for us all to be together, sharing as much time as possible, sharing meals etc and basically taking the hassle of these things away from her so she can simply get on with her life as easily and fully as possible, and with assistance from us as and when she needs it (such as sorting her bludy computer... :doh:)

You are right in one sense that we haven't made plans for the longer term as she'll undoubtedly need more and more help, but that would be the case regardless of where she is living; whether she lives on her own or lives with us, there will come a point when she'll need greater help and care from us, and quite possibly a stage when we won't be enough.

Until then, we just want to get on with 'life' as best and most enjoyably as possible as a family unit. Our plans won't prevent the inevitable from happening, and we'll just have to cope with that as best we can when it does happen. Basically, let's enjoy our time whilst she's still a full contributor to it.

'Nan' wants this as much - even more - than we do.