Staying on track to be MF and ready to support my daughter at 18

Baileys_Babe

Congratulations on growing a cucumber.

We have also bought a mini chainsaw recently, we have used it loads and we can see we will have lots more uses for it. We also took it for a trip out to my parents and spent no more than 15 minutes doing jobs for them but it dealt with a few issues in the garden which made them very pleased, we mainly took so my Dad in particular stops spending more energy than he really has doing a job that this can do in a couple of minutes, leaving him energy to do things he enjoys. Ours is battery operated, takes barely any time to set up, holds a charge for longer than we wish to use it at any point and charges quickly ready to start again.

South_coast

ElmoR said:

I hover around and try to influence her natural fibres v plastic fibres decisions

I'm not sure sparring with DD is going to deliver the adrenaline rush you're looking for 🤣🤣🤣

Glad to hear you're a not-quite-drowned dog 😀

ElmoR

Very few headaches the past week or so - yay!! Even the occasional feeling of 'happiness' or 'lightness', not sure how you describe it, it's been so long since I remember having it. Not broken the email addiction yet, but am managing to look at it much less. Managing to let many things go (to hell in a hand basket) too.

DD finished school with a ping. Literally, the Saturday after last day, a 10 days self isolation ping. On the plus side, this delays the shopping spree until next month and another pay day, easing the pressure on a spendy month already.

This week is a 3 day working week, Tuesday and Thursday off, so will practice the no email habits then. Part of my diversion tactics is to read posts/threads on here, so I'm able to keep up with more diaries now I had a peep at Flylady's site too after Cheery's mention. Liking the short blitz approach to cleaning.

Ok, time to get scrubbed up and sit at the desk/laptop soon...have a good week all

Cheery_Daff

Glad you're feeling a bit lighter! Practicing ignoring emails on Tues and Thurs sounds like a great way to start - then you know people won't be waiting long anyway. 

Flylady has definitely helped me over the years but I do pick and choose bits 😂 I put the 'weekly home blessing hour podcast on regularly else I get distracted and don't clean 😂 Life works best when I do a morning routine, and when I have set days of the week for different tasks. I do always want to give her website a good sort out though, it's all over the place! 😂

ElmoR

Morning all

Please stop reading if you are only here for the financial chat...this is a 'what would you do?' work dilemma...

In short, person I barely know drops me an email to ask me to mentor them. I reply that it wouldn't be appropriate because I don't know them very well, I'm not at their institution but mainly that I'm at (well beyond actually) capacity on work tasks myself. I suggest they ask their line manager to suggest a local mentor who will know how their place operates etc.

Fast forward a year, they've dropped me another email to say they've named me as a referee/sponsor on a funding bid. Didn't ask, just did it.

Fast forward another 3 months, said funding scheme is now asking me to do a review of their proposal. Initially I said I couldn't because they want it done in a few weeks time and I'm already over-committed work-wise, struggling to fit in all my annual leave before the end of the AL year point, and giving up on tasks for myself that I wanted to do but will have to wait (probably indefinitely). Funder replied to say they would extend the deadline til early september. Which doesn't really make it any easier for me to do and the same reasons I said no still exist.

Should I do the review? I feel bad if I don't, letting down another colleague (who forced themselves onto me?).

Apols for those who prefer on topic material!!

Thanks all

ElmoR

Cheery_Daff

Gosh. My initial reaction is to say no. Either as a complete sentence, or saying you've already exceeded you quote for unpaid citizenship work for the year. Don' give any other reasons or they'll try to find a way round them.

Yes, it will cause a problem for the funder - they'll have to find another reviewer. But that's their problem not yours. And as for the person putting in the bid, they should really have asked... unless they were just prompted to plonk down a suggested list of names so the funder didn't have to start looking from scratch? Who knows. Did you reply to their last email?

Either way, their problem does NOT have to automatically have to become YOUR problem. Read what you said a few posts ago about not doing any non-workplanned stuff. From reading your posts, it sounds like you're very close to or in a burnout situation, which means your priority is absolutely YOU right now - YOUR HEALTH.

Yes ordinarily you'd like to help someone out - but this isn't an ordinary situation any more, this is (not to be too dramatic) an emergency situation,  or it soon will be if you don't prioritise yourself. Sometimes you just have to say no (without giving reasons).

Hope I don't sound too harsh! 😮 but sometimes when we're in the middle of situations like this it's hard to see clearly.

Your health and sanity are too important to sacrifice for someone else's problem.

Take care

Xx

Baileys_Babe

Glad I read @Cheery_Daff reply before writing mine. She says everything I wish to but much more eloquently.

This is not your problem this is theirs, say NO, look after yourself. Do not be bullied into this by some bodies rude actions, I would expect to be asked before being used as a referee.

Please don't apologise to your readers about what you decide to write about, this is your diary, not ours.

ETA:
I have just reread this and it sounds very blunt, I'm not meaning to be, I am both angry and frustrated on your behalf 🤗

ElmoR

Thanks Cheery and BB.

I suspect I'm hard wired to help people no matter what. Even if it means that I end up ill?!

You wouldn't believe the churning of emotions that this brought up - hot flushes, stomach rolling over. What the heck!!

I totally see your points and I know they are utterly the right way to see it. I'm just back from sickness leave. I'm still carrying a large work burden even after some has been lifted off recently. This candidate has effectively manipulated me into doing what they wanted. I suppose they could not possibly know what stress someone else is under, people assume that because I'm at the top of the career ladder that it must all be hunky dory. It's not. I've written back to the funder and said a polite-ish 'still, no'.

There's going to be more of these types of thing incoming...every week there's someone asking me if I'll do something for them...not paid, not going towards your workload model calculation...I think academia may well be broken. I know I am!

Thanks again I don't feel alone with you guys out there, which is a nice feeling.

ElmoR xx

Cheery_Daff

Aw bless you. Glad you've said no. It's so difficult, and then to say no, and no, and no again! But by saying yes to these things you'd have to say no to your own career priorities, health and time with family. So instead you're staying yes to the important stuff, which means inevitably you'll have to say no to some stuff that isn't YOUR priority.

I'm not brilliant at this stuff either, although I'm still in more of a career building stage than you, so I suspect I get far fewer requests, and some of them are actually useful for me (eg sitting on a type of committee I've not sat on before). But I learned a long time ago in a relationship with an alcoholic (and have to keep relearning all the time) that boundaries are sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane, being able to say no, not today, or no, not that thing ever. Otherwise you're completely at the mercy of other people until you drop, and then you're no use to either yourself or the important people. 

Constant battle, but one worth defending yourself in! 

Baileys_Babe

I find it difficult to say no particularly in some situations and to certain people.

It is easier to be removed from a situation than be in the middle of it and try making a decision.

Would it be appropriate or worth your time and energy to contact the person you barely know and tell them you are not in a position to support them? Don't go into lengthy reasons just ask that they stop.

Your priorities are the things you have to do (not the things that other people think you have to do) followed by the things you would like to do, if you have any time/energy remaining it is up to you how you use it.