Feeling empty......

Leanne1812

Today we made the difficult decision to have our kitty put to sleep.

He was diagnosed in early August with a nasal tumour. Some can be treated with chemo but not his particular one. Surgery was also out of the question because of where the mass was situated. I'm not sure I could have put him through treatment anyway. He was pretty traumatised after a few nights at our local vet investigating his sneezing fits and then at the animal hospital for a CT scan and biopsy.

I've really no idea why I'm posting this. I know many of you will have felt bereft at losing a precious pet. It's just making that decision and effectively being responsible for the end of their life....

My son and myself were with him at the end. It was very peaceful and he just slipped away quietly. My hubby couldn't handle being there and though the cat is still here he won't look at him. I keep bursting into floods of tears and can only text family as my voice won't hold out to talk.

I know we tried our best so save him but nosebleeds and a seizure this morning meant we knew it was time.

He had a lovely morning, cuddles and pets, lots of his favourite foods and a cosy bed. We will miss him forever.

spookylukey

Really sorry to hear about your boy, as sad as it is it does sound like you made the kindest decision for him. I know this seems impossoble now but after time you'll be able to look back and remember the happy times instead of feeling bereft at losing him.

Maybe in time you'll be able to open up your heart and home to another cat, I adopted another quite quickly after losing my childhood cat. I was worried I wouldn't be able to love him like I did my childhood cat or that I'd resent him but I needn't have worried - he definitely made it easier.

I don't suppose you'll be able to get to the end of this poem without tears (I still can't after many years) but it's sentiment is so true...


[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The Greatest Gift (author unknown)
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I always knew this time would come,[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]From the very instant our eyes first met.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]How I loved you then! How I love you now![/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I made a promise then, and I will keep that promise now...[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You will not suffer from a pain that will not heal;[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You will not know the loss of a life remembered, now gone.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]It is for me alone to make this decision,[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The price for the bright joy and pure laughter[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You brought me during the time we shared.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I am the only one who can decide when it is time.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]When my hope dies, and my fear rides high,[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Just when I need you most, I must let you go.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]It is for you alone to tell me when you are ready[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]For without your guidance, I will not know[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]When to lay my grief, my guilt, my anger[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]My sorrow and my selfish heart aside[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And give you this last gift, this greatest gift.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Your eyes will speak to mine, and I will know.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The pain of this moment is excruciating.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Tears stream down my face in a river of sorrow.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And my heart drowns in a pool of grief.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]For you have spoken and I have listened,[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And unlike other decisions I have made[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]This one brings no relief...no comfort...no peace.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]For if there´s one thing you´ve taught me,[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]If there´s only one thing I´ve learned...[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Unconditional love has a condition after all,[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I must be willing to let you go, when you speak to me[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I must be willing to help you go, if you cannot go alone.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And I must accept my pain so you can be free of yours.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Go easily now, go quickly now,[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Do not linger here, it is time for you to leave.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Go find your strength, go find your youth.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Go find the ones who've gone before you.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You are free to leave me now, free to let your spirit soar[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Rest easy now, your pain will soon be gone.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I pray I will find comfort in my memories...[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]In the dark and lonely days ahead.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I cannot say I will not miss you, I cannot say I will not cry.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]For only my tears can heal my broken heart.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]But, I promise you this; as long as I live,[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You will live, alive in my mind, forever in my heart.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]So I give you this last gift, all I have left to give,[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And this will be my greatest gift...sending you away.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]It is the measure of my unconditional love...[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]For only the greatest love can say,[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]"Good-bye, go find the bridge, we'll meet again,[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Loving you has been the greatest gift of all."[/FONT]

Leanne1812

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's quite something that words from a stranger can bring some comfort. To know someone understands and empathises is touching. Also some tears with that beautiful poem...

We already have another Tom at home. Sadly he has come 2nd this last while as we focused on our poorly boy. I wouldn't describe them as friends but they did often exit and enter the cat flap together but never openly showed affection to each other. I'm pretty sure he is feeling it too though our departed boy hasn't been himself for quite some time and only went into the garden supervised and stayed close in sight. I think he knew he wasn't full strength and felt vulnerable.

Any words of wisdom are appreciated for my son. He is 28 but this is his first experience of grief and he did share a special bond with this cat. Since the cat got sick 3 months ago he has lived in my sons room ,he obviously felt safe and comfortable there so there's a dreadful emptiness tonight looking in. My son has disappeared to the bathroom for quite some time on a few occasions today. I know he wants to be alone as he has told his partner who was there with us today that he is just having a quiet night. I'm trying to support him and him me so I don't know if we are much help to each other.....

ka7e

I'm sorry for your loss. It's part of being a loving owner that we get to give our pets a peaceful end - I think it's one of the saddest, bravest things we do.

Rubik

I'm also sorry for your loss. Pets are part of the family, and although they may be small in size, they occupy a huge part of our hearts and lives. Take comfort in knowing your cat had a wonderful life and home with you, and his end was peaceful, with his loved ones at his side.

Take time to grieve, and also time to remember your pet. When we lost a much loved cat some eyars ago, we made a memory book with photos and stories of him, my children were young at the time and he had always been a part of their lives - creating the memory book helped them a lot.

The Blue Cross have a pet bereavement service where you can talk to someone on the phone - https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss

sheramber

Allow your son to grieve. It is normal and part of the healing process.

"Today you did the bravest thing ".
by Debbie Gaskin
Today you did the bravest thing,today you set me free.
Thank you for showing me the ultimate dignity.
I'm sorry that my leaving has broken your kind heart.
But we knew this day would come, the day we had to part.
Don't think I did not hear every last word you said.
Don't think I did not feel,your trembling hand touch my head.
Today you did the bravest thing, today you set me free.
Thank you for a wonderful life,
thank you for loving me. ❤

Couldsavemore

Am so sorry.... its awful when they go and seems so much worse when we choose to help them on their way.

Consider what you saved him from..

This is how I have made peace with the descision to let my rabbit, pony, cat... go.

Please leave him some where the other cat can see him. Then he'll know his house mate has moved on.
I left my old cat curled up in the conservatory for my other cat.
She then at least knew he had passed on. Sadly she has cancer so I'm watching and waiting and I'll take her when she needs me too.

UKTigerlily

Hi, i'm so sorry for your loss. I had to make the decision to let first my dog be PTS, and then 5 1/2 weeks later my cat, so I know exactly how you feel; I also struggled with being the one to decide to end their lives (when they were being sedated I kept thinking one word from me could stop this, it's awful, like playing God when you wish it was natural but it has to be done)


I also now have a missing cat, so know loss, and it is every bit as bad as a person, sometimes even harder due to the bonds. I agree with the above poster about allowing your other cat to see he has passed on, I think it helps them to understand (tho saying that, my remaining cat isn't at all worried about the missing one!)


You did the most unselfish thing for him, and what was right for him. He also had you and your Son with him. Cats live in the moment, he didn't understand a future, or 'oh i'd've had x life', he understood only the happy times he had with you, none of the pain or fear he would've gone through, and for that you should be proud, the fact he chose your Son's room says a lot, often they go off if dying or unwell!


You could take pawprints for jewellery/tattoos too, which of course isn't for everyone. Hope your Husband is going ok too, guys often seem to not cope so well, maybe a lack of practice? Look after each other, and maybe make sure you all talk about a good memory of him, i'm sure he did plenty to make you laugh x

Leanne1812

Thanks everyone for your caring and understanding replies to me.

My grief comes in waves, sometimes I feel quite strong and matter of fact then others just an overwhelming sadness we don't get to see and love our boy any more.

The vet came to the house on Tuesday as I promised him he would never need to return to the vet after diagnosis. I took advice over the phone on a couple of occasions but was adamant there would be no more stress or trauma for him. Daily metacam kept him stable and pain free though I know prolonged use has side effects he wasn't here long enough to endure that too.

He passed peacefully on my sons bed which had pretty much been his home for the last 3 months. He didn't have much energy and spent most of his time laying down but still enjoyed eating and drinking and used the litter tray as normal. I always thought when that stopped it would be time but the nosebleeds and pawing at his face a few times on his last day made me feel he was becoming uncomfortable. Then the seizure on Tuesday morning finalised for us it was time. It's so difficult to try to judge pain.....my son and I made the decision together but making that phone call was almost impossible, to say those words......

We know it was the right decision as the illness was only going to get worse. His nose was starting to become a little deformed and one eye was being affected by the growth. Amazingly though he still head bumped and purred every time he was given some attention which was often. There was always one of us guarding him as we knew a seizure was possible and becoming more likely as the tumour grew and encroached on the brain area.

Our remaining kitty Ollie has been getting extra attention since he has missed out a little this last while. After Cheeky Boy ( his name we gave him as a cheeky stray stuck) had passed and was still on my sons bed I took Ollie in and placed him on the bed, he had a quick look and then jumped off and I didn't try again so I'm unsure as to whether he realises his buddy is gone.

We are having him cremated and he will return next week in a sleeping cat urn. I took some fur, whiskers & a paw print to keep. My son is thinking about a jewelry keepsake as he wants to feel he is still close which I completely understand.

Thanks again for reading and responding good people of this forum.

Soot2006

You cat will be grateful that you spared him suffering and that you let him go with dignity. Well, cats are never grateful for anything, but it sounds like you gave him the kind of life where he will have taken a kind ending for granted and you should take a lot of comfort from that.


It's never easy; it never gets easier. I now am glad for that, for I don't want to live a life in which I care any less than I do. It's OK to cry and it's OK to feel sad for a long time and it's OK to feel guilt and it's OK to talk about it and it's OK to spend time with your other cat and it's OK to a love a kitten again too xx

awtech83

I'm so very sorry for your loss, @Leanne1812. It's truly losing a family member.

You absolutely did the right thing for Cheeky Boy. It sounds like he had a wonderful life and an incredibly loving family.

Your son's plan of having a jewelry keepsake is lovely. Wish I'd done something similar when my own passed many years ago... I still tear up from time to time when I think about Tabitha. And that's OK. These little souls make a big impact on our hearts and stay with us forever.